Has anyone ever asked you, or do you ever ask yourself, “Where would I be if __________ were still here?” I do… Quite often actually… And over time that answer has evolved.
In the beginning, all I could think about was how Bruce’s death should never have happened. We weren’t that old. We had a whole future together laid out before us, and because I couldn’t picture a future without him, I couldn’t move forward… I was stuck.
Then, I spent years contemplating how Bruce had brought so much healing to our little family, but now it was gone. At least for me, it felt like all the progress I had made with my emotional and mental health, (after 20+ years of chaos and abuse in my prior marriage), was lost. I wanted to regain that healing, but I didn’t quite know to start.
So… I started trying to figure out the essence and soul of this man who had changed my life. I started reading the books he read – books by such people as the Dali Lama and Deepak Chopra. I started listening to the speakers he listened to, such as Wayne Dyer and Rob Bell. Then, I started to analyze how he took those lessons and applied them to his own faith.
I thought about how he often told me that he was a Christian, but not in the same way I was. At the time he said it, I didn’t get it. After all, “Christian is Christian”, right? Wrong! Suddenly, things were starting to click.
For him, it was never about “checking all the boxes” Christian culture has put into place. Instead, Bruce believed in acting out his faith, his own way – day by day, moment by moment with a little thing called love… unconditional love. He didn’t believe in the kind of faith that presents theology as some kind of race with very few winners. Instead, he lived a faith that was about love for everyone. With his faith, love wins every time… and consequently, so do we all.
These were the ideas that truly started my healing on this journey.
Then, a couple of years ago, I started asking myself where would I be if he hadn’t died that night? … And that question drove me even deeper… He died because of heart issues. His heart was twice the size it should have been. He must have felt badly for quite a while. So… what if he had never been sick at all? How would that have changed our trajectory?
The answer to that carries so many “what ifs” and so many ways things could have been… could have been…
I could make myself crazy asking those “what if” questions. However, the bottom line is he was sick, and he did die… And now it is up to me to pick up the pieces and keep moving forward. Hence, these last several months, I have been asking myself, “If he hadn’t died, would I have worked so hard to heal emotionally or would I have continued to lean on him for that?”
It’s a valid question, I believe. I, also, think I am asking myself that because I already know the answer. I think I would have always leaned on him for my healing… But that wasn’t his issue to carry; it was mine. He was trying to show me how to do that, but until I absolutely had to, I wasn’t going to get very far.
I hate to say there was anything good in something so traumatic and devasting as his death. Yet, I must admit, I don’t know if I would have worked so hard if he were still here. I don’t know if I would have done even half of the things I have done to work on me.
Instead, I must honestly say that, with his life, Bruce exemplified how to love – even those people who are hard to love. He showed me how to love while setting healthy boundaries, which isn’t easy. Then, in his death, I learned how to take all of that, dig deeper, work harder, and make some much needed, healthy changes in my own life and how I interact with the rest of the world.
Where would I be if Bruce didn’t die? I have no idea. That isn’t the hand life dealt me. However, I can say that because Bruce was in my life, I am learning to be a better person… a better me… And that is something I will never want to be any different.
_________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you. Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief
* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.