I hate death… There you go… I said it… And I am thinking 1- You aren’t surprised by that statement, and 2- Possibly, you fill the same. Now, before anyone feels the urge to talk to me about religion and death, please note that I didn’t say I fear death – I don’t. Also, my faith is strong, and I completely believe in life after death. I know without a doubt that I will see Bruce again… someday… However, who knows when that will be. So, none of that changes how I, (as the one left behind), feels about death… or more specifically, his death.
Let me see if I can explain in a way that makes sense…
This last week in my gratitude journal, one of the prompts was, “’Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!’ – Philippians 4:4.”
As I pondered this verse, I thought… Rejoice… Joy… Hope… All of these are feelings I used to take for granted. When Bruce was alive, these feelings overflowed in my world! Even on my worst days, (shoot, even when we were arguing), he still filled my world with joy and hope… Then, he died, and I thought all of these feelings were gone… It felt as if that part of me died with him.
It has taken a long time, but in (very) recent years, I have come to realize that I was wrong. Those feelings aren’t dead… or gone… However, they are most definitely different.
When Bruce was here, I really just felt what I felt in any given situation. I didn’t dwell on it, and I didn’t analyze it. Mainly because, at the end of the day, when all was said and done, I was so happy and content… so joyful that my life was with Bruce. Nothing else could steal that joy from me… Nothing!
After he died, though, that all changed for me. At first, there were feelings of guilt whenever I felt even a glimmer of pleasure, much less joy. How in the world could I dare to be happy – to smile or laugh – when Bruce could no longer do the same? He was no longer here to enjoy the sun or the sky… or the people we love… How could I dare to enjoy life on these terms? It felt like a betrayal of him… of us…
Yes, I know… I have read so many articles and books that say this is normal. Yet, I have to tell you that I didn’t feel normal. I didn’t feel like me, and I didn’t know how to feel like me… the old me… the happy me… That person was so lost to me.
However, life isn’t meant to be stagnate, and although I fought it, life really does move onward…
I have learned – no… I am still learning that these emotions, (joy, happiness, and hope) are the emotions I now have to seek out. Sometimes, I would even say, I have to chase them down. Even then, there is a process where I have to remind myself that not only am I allowed to feel these, it is good for me to feel these. Plus, I know without a doubt that Bruce would want me to feel all of these, (as often as possible). I know he wants me to be happy… to feel joy… and to rejoice in this life. After all, these emotions are what he brought into my life. That couldn’t have been for nothing, right?
So… for his sake and mine, I will continue this journey, finding the joy along the way, and rejoice every time I do until we are together again.
So, while this grief thing really is harder than anything I have experienced in all my years on this earth, it has also taught me a lot… However, I still hate it. There are definitely more good days than bad, but I still constantly find myself wishing for a world where Bruce is still by my side. Allowing myself the space to process and adjust to all of that isn’t easy. Life on this path is sometimes filled with challenges I never imagined. At this point in my journey, I am learning that while it can be hard to remember in the moments of grief, I am not alone. (That is why I reach out here each week.)
Thanks to you, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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