Tag: no hope

Peace, Love, and Grief… The Power of Hope

Hope… Such an innocent four-letter word… and yet hope is powerful. Conversely, the lack of hope is also powerful… In fact, a lack of hope can be absolutely devastating. I don’t think I realized just how important hope is to our existence until I became a widow. I didn’t realize it the day Bruce died… or even the next, but within a very short time, I came realize that I had lost all hope. My future… a future without Bruce also seemed to be a future without hope.

Each day seemed to be just like the one before it, and the one after… Wake up (alone), work out (alone), go to work (alone), come home (alone), eat dinner (alone), and go to bed (alone). Then wake up and do all over again. At the time, I didn’t recognize it for what it was. I didn’t even notice just how much power hope (or the lack of) held in my world.

I had no idea that hope, simple hope, is powerful… and the lack of hope is just as powerful… And I don’t think I’m alone in that lack of awareness.

It wasn’t until several years ago, when I built and trained a module on resilience that I realized just how much power I was giving away by living day-to-day with no hope. You see, our emotions guide our thoughts. Our thoughts guide our behaviors, and our behaviors guide our life experiences. So… in order to build resilience to life’s struggles, such as grief, I needed to dig deep and find a way to restructure my behaviors, thoughts, and emotions. I knew at that moment that the lack of hope was affecting every aspect of my life, and I had to find a way to regain even just a little bit of hope… somehow.

I started on that journey for hope a long time ago, and honestly, I still have to constantly make a conscience effort in that direction. This year, in fact, has definitely held a lot of challenges in this direction. I can’t tell you how many times I have found myself struggling with depression and that feeling of absolutely no hope… But I haven’t given up. Instead, I remind myself daily to find some hope some where to avoid that head-long plunge down that god-awful rabbit hole where there is no hope.

I am not trying to say this is simple or easy… It isn’t. There are days when I think I just don’t care anymore. Then, I think of Bruce and all the hope he brought back into my world when I thought I had hit rock bottom… And at that point, I know he didn’t do that for nothing… He believed in me, and it’s time I learn to believe in me, too.

So… just in case there is anyone else out there struggling with the lack of hope on their grief journey, I wanted to share the mantras and meditations I am using throughout my day to keep myself in a hope-filled frame of mind:

1. The power to choose hope lies within myself.

2. Hope begins with me… my world will only be as hopeful as I am.

3. If our thoughts create our experience, then I need to remember that hope begins within me… and my world can only be as hopeful as I am.

Oh… and one more little caveat… There will always be people in your world who knowingly (or unknowingly) will try to bring you down. They may make comments or do things that hurt… things that may even cause you to doubt yourself… Things that make it just a little bit harder to hope.

However, that is completely and totally about them – not you. Don’t take it in… Don’t let it create that slide into negative emotions, thoughts, and behaviors within yourself. Those things say so much more about who they are and where their headspace is. Remind yourself – Those are their emotions, thoughts, and behavior… They are not yours unless you choose to take them in, and thereby, give away your own power.

“As I listen more acutely for my guidance, I let go of trying to find the answer through human channels and turn my attention to the voice of spirit .” ~ Daily Word, May 18,2023
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Finding Hope in a Season of Grief – Part 1

This week, one of my journal prompts was: “Have you walked through a season of grief? How did you maintain hope?”

Pardon me while I shake my head (just a little). You see… I’m not sure I did. If I am honest, I would have to say that when Bruce died, I lost all hope for a very, long time. Finding my way back to having even a little bit of hope has been quite the uphill journey.

Before we get there, though, let’s back up… Let’s back way up…

From the moment I was born, I was raised in the church, so my faith was always important to me. It was a big part of who I thought I was. I have always sang in the choir, and attended retreats, Sunday School, and Bible studies. As I grew older, I also cantored at mass. I taught children’s choir, Vacation Bible School, and Sunday School. I even taught at the school. I helped with the flowers for Holy Days, and worked at all of the fairs and carnivals. And, (of course), I raised my children the same way within the church.

In other words, I did all the things. If the doors were open, the kids and I were there. Even through the worst, chaotic, violent days of my first marriage, we were there. I remember back then – I kept believing that if I could just “be better” … If I could just muster a little more faith… then maybe, just maybe, God would help me.

Eventually, though, I reached the point where I knew I just couldn’t do it anymore. I wasn’t “enough”, and I never would be… Would I really go to hell if I left? Did it matter? After all, I was living in hell… And worst of all, because I was there, my kids were too.

One afternoon, I found myself pouring out the details of my life to our parish priest. However, before I could even finish, he told me that he already knew the trouble our family was in, and he advised me to leave. He told me that I would have the support of the church… So, I did… I left.

It took years to finalize everything. Those were scary, turbulent times with some of the hardest situations I have ever endured… Still… I did it! I made it out with my kids by my side! The future finally looked bright. It held so much hope.

Wouldn’t you know it, though? Before I hardly had time to take a breath, my world took another tumble. I can’t really remember which happened first, because in my memory it all happened simultaneously…

In a timespan that felt like overnight, I lost everything I owned. I had invested my money from the divorce with a “family friend.” (That person is currently serving time in a federal prison for securities fraud and running a Ponzi scheme.) Yep! That’s where my money went… Every dime.

At about the same time, I lost my job…

I had met Bruce and started the drudgery of getting an annulment. The problem? It required a ton of paperwork. AND… each time I turned in said paperwork, I had to pay thousands of dollars to “move to the next step”. But suddenly, I didn’t have any more money, and I had to drop it… That was the reality.

Before too long, I was told that “some people” were concerned about having a divorced (and dating) person on the staff. I was supposed to be a role model, after all. Before long, I was given a choice to leave Bruce or my job… (Well, we all know how that choice went, and I don’t regret it for a moment!)

How about that support I had been promised? It was a nice idea in theory, but it didn’t really exist. Instead, I was left confused and devastated. I think this was one of the first times I had my eyes opened to the “them vs us” clique mentality so rampant within the church. (A space that I was taught was supposed to be inclusive was actually extremely exclusive.)

What I came to realize was that to really belong, one must do as they are told – no space for questions or different opinions, thoughts, and ideas. Please understand this was not everyone. I had wonderful, dear friends to lean on, and I don’t want to sound bitter… My point, though, is how traumatic and gut-wrenching the whole set of circumstances were.

But God can make good out bad, and a few months later, my world blossomed!

Bruce and I were married… I found a new job in a new state… And… I found a new church. This time, though, it was different. For the first time ever, I simply sat in the back row and kept to myself. I desperately wanted to be there… I needed to be there… At the same time, I couldn’t risk being shunned again.

The years passed, and life went on. My faith was struggling. Bruce, however, was beyond supportive. He knew I needed to fill this part of my life. So, together, we went from church to church trying to find a place where we might fit in… but I was scared. I wanted “more”, but I didn’t feel welcome to experience “more”. Bruce was encouraging… but not pushy. I, on the other hand, held back… My trust in the church – any church – was gone.

Then, just two months prior to Bruce’s death, my faith finally came crashing down around me. Little did I know what was ahead of me and how impossibly hard it would be to grieve when I had no faith… and no hope.

(To be continued next week)

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This journey isn’t easy… not that you need me to tell you that. Loss can be traumatic, and the grief we are left to figure out is hard. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls – Moments where I learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.

As the years pass, I can honestly say that there are more of these good moments than bad. Each day, I continue to learn more and more about those things that seem to help me heal and move forward – like sharing precious memories. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without my love… without Bruce. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!

In fact, none of us need to be alone, because we have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.