Tag: love one another

Peace, Love, and Grief – Feeling a Little Bit Lost

Sitting down to write today, and I am struggling about what to say… and how to say it. I don’t want conflict, so I will try my best to write in a way that unites us in our experiences – nothing more.

I didn’t write last week, because I was traveling home from Vegas, where I had been working for almost a month. Between the all-day traveling on Saturday, the jet lag, commitments on Sunday, as well as responsibilities that had to be addressed immediately after so long away, I just didn’t have anything more to give. I was spent. In fact, if I am honest, I am still trying to work past the jet lag and readjust to the Eastern time zone.

What I have been surprised at, though, is my emotional state this week…

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I was feeling isolated, alone and scared while in Vegas – spending the majority of my “free” time alone and working in my hotel room was taking a toll. I thought once I got home, around friends and family, I would feel better. Those feelings would somehow dissipate with all the love and hugs I knew awaited me here.

And there has been a lot of love and hugs! That has been a balm to my soul; it truly has. At the same time, with all that is happening in the world, (which seems to bombard my every waking moment), I haven’t managed to shake those feelings at all. In fact, I would say that on top of those, depression has started to set in… and I am constantly struggling to fight it.

I am still finding that sleep is almost non-existent, and my morning meditation is better but not where it needs to be to be effective. It’s almost a joke between my son and I that the times I try to pray or meditate seem to be the only times I actually fall asleep. (Maybe connecting with Spirit is my comfort right now?)

The difference between being here this week and Vegas the previous weeks, though, isn’t just being back with family and friends, it is the energy of this space – our home. I do feel Bruce here, and I relish that.

Now comes the hard part… my confession, I suppose.

I find myself feeling angry at him… Angry about him dying and leaving me here alone to deal with all this crap that is happening around me. I can’t deal with all these people I love and care about saying the nastiest things to each other. People being mean without any thought to the damage being created and seemingly feeling entitled to do it in the name of whatever ideology they adhere to at the moment.

I don’t understand any of this behavior, especially among friends. Sure, I have my opinions, but I respect and believe in others’ rights to their opinions. I even tried to have a respectful conversation on FB to discuss things in a civil, respectful manner… My attempt to find ways we are aligned vs divided However, while no one responded to the post. Instead, several people told me privately that they didn’t feel safe talking in a public forum.

So, I tried simply stating my own views without condemning anyone else’s – hoping again that we might find a united way forward. However, someone who actually agrees with me added a comment with so much aggression that I took the whole thing down… That isn’t at all what I want to convey.

I wasn’t built for all this hate. I can’t… I just can’t…

And so, I find myself back where I originally started on this journey… Not suicidal but not wanting to be here without Bruce, either. I want to simply lay in his arms where I feel safe for just a little bit. At the same time, I also feel angry at him… Angry because I feel abandoned – something I haven’t felt in years… I’m so incredibly angry that I have to navigate all this crap without him – alone.

Then, to go with that, I also feel depressed because I just want to love the people whom I love, (no matter which side of the fence they are on), without all the hostility and challenges and name calling and disrespect… And I can’t seem to have any of that right now.

I remember someone once said grief was like a big, ball of knotted up string, and finding a way to make it straight again is the challenge… That is precisely how I feel. I thought I was finally starting to straighten it out, but instead, here I am starting at square one all over again.

I’m sorry… I usually try to end on a positive note… I try to share something I have learned that has helped me take a step forward, even if it is just a baby step. But I can’t today… Today, I am struggling with what we all seem to experience along this journey – one of those “grief tsunamis”.

Will I be okay? Yes… I absolutely know that I will. This one is just taking a bit longer than usual. I guess I have forgotten how deep and dark these feelings can be. Yet, I know that with a little bit of self-care, (and a lot of love), I will find my footing again… It just isn’t happening in this moment.

So, for now, I will just keep reminding myself to dig deep… to release my worldly concerns and feel the presence of the Divine… and Bruce… and the love of my family and friends. I know that while I might feel isolated and alone, that is not the reality… I know I am surrounded by people who love and care… and who probably need my support, as well.

… I know I am not facing my challenges alone… None of us are… Maybe we all simply need to remember that.

(Karen Drucker – There is Only Love)
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you. Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… What’s Important

“It’s in the things we lose that we discover what we most treasure.”
~ Adriana Trigiani, The Shoemaker’s Wife

I’m not sure I have ever read a truer statement.

Before Bruce died, I knew I loved him, and I knew he love me… I knew the love we shared was unconditional, and I never doubted it was a “forever thing.”

But…

It wasn’t until he was gone that I realized what a treasure we had together. And it wasn’t until he was gone that I started looking at the world in a different light. In other words, what really started happening was this… I started dividing the world into what is important and what isn’t.

I always knew my family and friends were the important things in my life, but now I came to see them as my treasure… What I hold dear and will defend above all else. Don’t get me wrong… I haven’t given up my “earthly possessions” or taken a vow of poverty – I absolutely love this home which Bruce and I shared, and the things here that trigger so many precious memories… But it is the memories that make those things precious, not the things themselves.

Yet even those things don’t hold a candle to the people I love who are right beside me and in my heart. These people I love are what is important… They are my treasure… They are my priority in each moment.

But, that’s not the end of it…

I’ll admit that since Bruce died there are things which still upset me, but it’s different now. Now those things have more to do with how we, as a society, treat each other these days… The cruel things people say and do towards each other, while rationalizing their “right” to behave that way.

I don’t understand it… And, honestly, I don’t want to.

Maybe it is where I grew up, but I was raised to believe in “loving one another” and “treating others the way you want to be treated.” For me this means showing respect towards each person whether I agree with them or not… And it truly hurts my heart when I see any of us behaving otherwise.

We have all heard the idea that “life is too short, so if you love someone tell them.”

Well, I think we need to take that a step further… When Bruce died, I came face to face with exactly how short this life can be, and found myself looking at what is important in my life… And it isn’t just the people I know and love…

It is all of us… All of us with our crazy backgrounds and histories… All of us with our own particular baggage and experiences… All of us with our differing religious beliefs and political views… All of us with our different cultures, languages, and races… I mean – all of us.

When everything else is stripped away… When all is said and done… We are just people – each deserving of respect and love…

And that, my friends, is our treasure in this life… That is what is important…

So, I would challenge all of us today with this idea, “Life is too short. Focus on what is truly important – people… all people… And treat everyone with respect and love.”

“No tree has branches so foolish as to fight amongst themselves.”                               ~ Native American Proverb

What about you? After you lost your loved one, have you struggled with the way people tend to treat each other? How do you deal with it? Or do you need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you!

Peace, Love and Grief… When You Feel Alone and Scared

During my first marriage, stress and anxiety were a constant. They were a part of everything… In fact, I can’t remember a day where those feelings were not waiting somewhere on the horizon. Even in the “good” times, there was always a shadow hovering over everything… The knowledge that at any moment everything could change…

Life, then, had an odd surreal feeling as my first husband could be laughing one moment and yelling the next. What set him off one day, he could just as easily be fine with the next. That was the problem… It was like living with Jekyll and Hyde. We never knew from one moment to the next which side we would get. I learned to watch the tiniest details of his body language – watching for the slightest change in his eye movements, his breathing, his pace, his language… everything and anything, in an effort to catch a hint of what would might come next.

As a result, I lived in a constant state of anxiety. That feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach was there all the time. It was a horrible way to live… But we did it for 20 years before I finally gathered enough courage to leave. I thought that would have been the end of it. After all, it was over… we were safe… But it isn’t that simple.

Living like that for so many years takes its toll… I knew I couldn’t get over it alone, so I sought help. Almost immediately, I was diagnosed with PTSD. (Evidently this is not unusual for someone from [or in] a traumatic situation.) It took years, but eventually I worked through all that. I’ve written about it before – about how Bruce’s unconditional love, patience and acceptance brought so much healing to my family. In fact, I truly thought I had left that trauma behind years ago.

After Bruce passed away, I received several menacing messages from my first husband which, at first, threw me for a loop. Initially, I found myself emotionally thrown back in time… Those old feelings of panic and anxiety took over the moment I saw his first message. However, this time was different. This time I pulled myself together and decided I was not cowering or hiding. I refused to feel that way and took actions to protect myself.

Why am I sharing this now? Because this week, I find myself with that same constant feeling of dread and anxiety… That feeling in the pit of my stomach that something terrible is about happen. What has triggered it? Everything happening in our society right now. I don’t think it matters which side of the political fence you are on, you cannot deny that as a society we are not at peace with each other.

Each morning I wake up wondering what is going to happen next? How much worse will it get?

Each day I see people being uglier and uglier to each other. I see it on Face Book as people hurl accusations and reduce themselves to name-calling anyone with a different opinion. The saddest part of this is – I see it between friends… Things people would never say to someone’s face (before now) are said on Social Media with no thought to kindness or respect.

In business, I also see customers being more and more aggressive and demanding to a degree I have never experienced previously. In fact, no matter where I go, there seems to be an underlying current of discontent and frustration… Other than children, no one seems to be happy… I mean, really happy.

Yesterday I woke up in the wee hours of the morning with that pit of dread deep in my stomach. As I laid there crying, I found myself asking Bruce – “Why did you leave me here to deal with all of this alone? I’m scared! I need you… And you left… you left me here all alone. What am I supposed to do?”

I always miss Bruce, but this current stream of events has left me feeling deeply scared and alone once again. I miss the strength and security of his arms. I miss those times when he would wrapped his arms around me and assured me everything was going to be okay. I miss those nights when I would wake up in a panic, and he would instinctively reach out to hold me even in his sleep.

Now, there is no one to hold me… no one to tell me it is all going to be okay… I feel alone, and I feel scared… But I refuse to stay here.

I don’t believe we are called to live in fear, but this time I must be the one to push myself forward. If I want to see things change… if I want to see more peace and less anger… I know it is up to me now to do something to affect that change.

Personally, I believe we are each called for a specific purpose. I, also, believe when we were instructed to “love our neighbor” and “love one another,” this means we are being called to a loving solidarity with all humanity… nothing less. So where do I go with that? I’m not completely sure… But I will start with the legacy Bruce taught me…

• Refuse to get caught up in the anger and hate
• Be “for” things not “against” things
• Be open to respectful dialogue; disengage from disrespectful, hate/fear-filled dialogue
• Accept others where they are on their own journey
• Show love and respect to everyone

Will any of this really make a difference? I don’t know, but if enough of us did it, maybe… just maybe we could find a peaceful way through all of this together.

Life will determine your boundaries.
It will push you further than you ever thought possible…
If you let it,
It will take you to the edge.
Do not be afraid;
Do not hold back.
Take a breath,
Take a step
And then another…
Then and only then, can you walk to the edge.
~ Linda, Sept 2013

NOTE: This is not meant to be a political post. I debated on writing about my real feelings this week, because I do not want to be misinterpreted. This is simply my emotional response to my observations… nothing more. I pray that is what I conveyed…

For many of us, these are worrisome times. Learning to navigate these times alone can stir up feelings of loneliness and fear, which can leave us feeling stuck and vulnerable. If any of this sounds familiar, we are here with you… you are not alone. If you have found a positive way through this, would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.