“I view my life through eyes of wonder.” ~ Daily Word, July 30, 2023
Life is precious.
How many times have I said or written that in the last 10 years? I’ll tell you… a lot!
When Bruce died, I realized quite quickly just how precious (and precarious) life really is. We never know what will happen in the next breath. We never know if the next breath will even happen at all, because the only moment that is guaranteed is the one in which we currently are.
Just a few hours before Bruce died, we were sitting at the table laughing and planning a kayaking trip for that weekend. We went to bed that night with our normal routine – him tucking me into my side of the bed before crawling into his side, turning off the light, and snuggling up. Then, somewhere in the night, he took one breath… but not the next. That next breath… the one not promised… did not happen. His life… his precious life was over.
Just typing those words brings it all back like it was yesterday. The shock and unbelief as I struggled to make sense of what was happening to my world still rocks me to my core. I couldn’t (or wouldn’t) believe he was dead. That was impossible. We had just signed and mailed my daughter’s birthday card. We had just had the most wonderful holiday season complete with parties and dancing. We had plans for that weekend, a trip planned to Jamaica in two months… Our (early) retirement was just around the corner with dreams of sailing the Caribbean… And in one breath, it was all gone. Not only our dreams, but “us”… We were gone. We were no longer a “we”.
Life is precious.
Up to that point, I didn’t mind working 14+ hour days. (Shoot! I have even done a few 24-hour shifts in my career.) A 50 or 60-hour work week was the norm. When I taught school, it wasn’t unusual to find me there on the weekends or even well past midnight during the week. I love to be productive. I love to feel like I have a purpose for being on this earth. Shoot, I even went back to work within two weeks of Bruce’s death, because I could no longer sit and stare at the walls of my home.
Yet, it didn’t take long for me to realize that while I love my job, it isn’t my whole life. It isn’t who I am. It is only what I do… some of the time. Life is too short to work all the time. Rest and fun are important too. Isn’t there supposed to be a day of rest? Plus, watching how Bruce’s company responded to his death, I know that the business world doesn’t slow down because someone dies. They replace us (probably) faster than we can be buried.
Life is precious.
So, I learned to be a bit more selfish with my personal time. To be clear, I work hard, and I still don’t mind the occasional overtime. If there is a pending deadline or a project that requires some extra time, that is fine. I don’t mind. But I no longer feel the need to sacrifice my personal life to “prove” my worth as an employee. I take my breaks (usually going for a walk) and my full lunch (usually a short nap). I know without a doubt that no matter how much I do today, there will still be plenty to do tomorrow. So, while I am salary and not hourly, I still track my time, and the end of the day is the end of the day… (a very important concept when you work from home, and it would be quite easy to work 24/7).
Life is precious.
Today, thankfully, I had an epiphany… an “ah-ha” moment, if you will…
Yes, I have written about how precious life is. Even now, when I see couples arguing or families yelling at each other, I want to step in and beg them to stop. Life is too short to waste even a single moment on negative energy. Yes, have the hard conversations… talk things out (and that might take a while). However, there’s no need for all the other stuff… the stuff that hurts and leaves us feeling badly about ourselves and/or each other… the stuff that separates us rather than bringing us together.
Life is precious.
However, at the same time I was feeling and writing about all the preciousness of life, I was also praying that God would make my pain stop. (Legitimate, right?) However, I also prayed that God would take me too. I didn’t want to be here… alone. I wanted to be wherever Bruce was. I didn’t want to face a tomorrow that didn’t include this man I love.
It has been over a decade since Bruce passed… and while I have experienced a lot of healing in multiple ways, I still hurt. I still miss him. I still cry out in the deafening silence in my home… I still grieve.
Then, I read today’s devotional about the wonder of life…
“I think of this when disappointing life experiences chip away at my sense of awe and appreciation.” ~ Daily Word, July 30, 2023
WOW! That has been my experience these last ten years. While I recognize that life is precious, Bruce’s death definitely changed my sense of “awe and appreciation”. I was hurting too badly to see very far past all the pain.
“I open myself to the unexpected treasures happening all around me each day.” ~ Daily Word, July 30, 2023
Well, for someone who expected everyone else to realize the preciousness of life, I had obviously fallen short. Sure, I saw treasure in my family and those I love. I could still treasure the beauty of a rainbow or a newly opened flower. Yet, while those “open” moments are coming more often, it has still been something I must remind myself to do… It has not been as spontaneous as it was in years past.
“Wonder is a precious gift; one I use to appreciate the marvels unfolding before me.” ~ Daily Word, July 30, 2023
That was when it hit me. Life is precious. Without wonder, though, it becomes so much harder to experience. You see, I knew life is precious. I knew I wanted to live in a way that expressed just that. Yet, I have been missing the mark, because I have been missing that magic ingredient called wonder.
So, as I go about my day and the rest of this week, that is my goal… To not only say that life is precious, but to put some magic and wonder back into my mindset so that my thoughts, feelings, and actions also reflect that.
I love you, my friends, and let us all remember that… Life really is precious.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as, what I have felt and learned along the way. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are.
Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… be filled with wonder… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.
I am so grateful that I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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