Yep… Still me… and yep… Still working my way along this path that I find myself on… One step at a time… And if I had to pinpoint one phrase that sums up this journey I have been on for so long, I would say it is ‘a journey to find myself’.
The crazy thing is, I’m not even sure what that end result should look like. As I’ve written before, I was raised to be “a good girl” – doing what others in authority expected of me, (as I am sure many of you were too). The crazy thing is that as a child in the world I was raised in, almost everyone had authority over me – all adults, anyone male, and anyone older. I’m not sure that was the actual message spoken, but it was the one I took in.
In my first marriage, my ex believed he had the authority to treat the rest of us however he saw fit. He even threatened several times to “turn me into ‘the church’” if I didn’t follow his directives and humble myself to the “proper station” as his wife. (Insert eye roll here.) I never could get it right, though, so I was constantly in trouble. After I finally walked away from that relationship, I was left feeling defeated, broken, and completely hopeless.
I think Bruce was one of the first people to speak to that and say, “No, that isn’t right.” He was the first one to show me that I was in charge of me… He didn’t believe nor did he want me to be “less than” him. He wanted a partner… Someone on equal footing with him. He consistently pointed out that I was the one who had authority over me. Granted, there are other figures of authority that I need to respect, but ultimately, I am in charge of me. That was something new and different… And I found that I really liked it!
I was like a toddler learning to walk in this new-found freedom – not completely steady on my feet. I stumbled quite a bit, but with his encouragement, I learned to keep getting back up and starting again.
Then, almost as quickly as he came into my life, he was gone… I was devastated. Without him by my side, I found myself spiraling into an abyss that had no end… I was failing at living. I cried night and day. And as much as I wanted to believe in a God who cared, I didn’t feel it… Instead, I felt totally alone with no spiritual or emotional tools to grasp and hang onto.
As the years have passed, I have been working to get back on that path Bruce started me on… The one where I live my life… the one where I care about myself… and love myself. Which brings me to this week.
As I have been talking about, I have been struggling a lot lately with depression derived from an overabundance of self-loathing. I have been working on me, but the more I get to know myself, the less I like myself. The more I delve into the mistakes I have made in this life, the more disgusted I have been with me… It has not been good… It has not been healthy.
Then, today at church, something clicked. (Don’t get me wrong, I know I still have a long road ahead.) First of all, I had only been going to this little church for a couple of weeks when I was called back to SC to help with some family things. So, I have been out of town for several weeks. Yet, as soon as I walked in, I was greeted with some the most genuine glad-you-are-back hugs and love I have ever known. As the service started and the music played, the words being spoken went straight to my heart. It was all about loving ourselves and giving ourselves grace – grace to make mistakes and grace to fall down and get back up again… It was exactly what I needed to hear today.
I know this path in front of me (without Bruce) will still be a long one. I know I can stay broken. I can keep repeating patterns of dysfunction over and over… OR… I can listen to that divine voice of God within myself and give myself grace when I stumble… the same grace I so easily offer to others. (Why not myself too?)
Bruce gave me such a wonderful gift all those years ago when he believed in me and my ability to walk beside him. Now, it is my turn to pick up that baton and follow this light into a new and unknown space. Bruce always tried to get me to understand the power that is within me – that divine power to create a life of security, serenity, and love – for others and for myself.
Today I am feeling a joy that I haven’t felt in years. A joy in knowing that the divine within me wants me to be courageous and filled with compassion for all of God’s creation… which (to my surprise) also includes myself.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘BE’ and to be comfortable with that however it looks.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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