Tag: grace

Peace, Love, and Grief… Working on Grace

Yep… Still me… and yep… Still working my way along this path that I find myself on… One step at a time… And if I had to pinpoint one phrase that sums up this journey I have been on for so long, I would say it is ‘a journey to find myself’.

The crazy thing is, I’m not even sure what that end result should look like. As I’ve written before, I was raised to be “a good girl” – doing what others in authority expected of me, (as I am sure many of you were too). The crazy thing is that as a child in the world I was raised in, almost everyone had authority over me – all adults, anyone male, and anyone older. I’m not sure that was the actual message spoken, but it was the one I took in.

In my first marriage, my ex believed he had the authority to treat the rest of us however he saw fit. He even threatened several times to “turn me into ‘the church’” if I didn’t follow his directives and humble myself to the “proper station” as his wife. (Insert eye roll here.) I never could get it right, though, so I was constantly in trouble. After I finally walked away from that relationship, I was left feeling defeated, broken, and completely hopeless.

I think Bruce was one of the first people to speak to that and say, “No, that isn’t right.” He was the first one to show me that I was in charge of me… He didn’t believe nor did he want me to be “less than” him. He wanted a partner… Someone on equal footing with him. He consistently pointed out that I was the one who had authority over me. Granted, there are other figures of authority that I need to respect, but ultimately, I am in charge of me. That was something new and different… And I found that I really liked it!

I was like a toddler learning to walk in this new-found freedom – not completely steady on my feet. I stumbled quite a bit, but with his encouragement, I learned to keep getting back up and starting again.

Then, almost as quickly as he came into my life, he was gone… I was devastated. Without him by my side, I found myself spiraling into an abyss that had no end… I was failing at living. I cried night and day. And as much as I wanted to believe in a God who cared, I didn’t feel it… Instead, I felt totally alone with no spiritual or emotional tools to grasp and hang onto.

As the years have passed, I have been working to get back on that path Bruce started me on… The one where I live my life… the one where I care about myself… and love myself. Which brings me to this week.

As I have been talking about, I have been struggling a lot lately with depression derived from an overabundance of self-loathing. I have been working on me, but the more I get to know myself, the less I like myself. The more I delve into the mistakes I have made in this life, the more disgusted I have been with me… It has not been good… It has not been healthy.

Then, today at church, something clicked. (Don’t get me wrong, I know I still have a long road ahead.) First of all, I had only been going to this little church for a couple of weeks when I was called back to SC to help with some family things. So, I have been out of town for several weeks. Yet, as soon as I walked in, I was greeted with some the most genuine glad-you-are-back hugs and love I have ever known. As the service started and the music played, the words being spoken went straight to my heart. It was all about loving ourselves and giving ourselves grace – grace to make mistakes and grace to fall down and get back up again… It was exactly what I needed to hear today.

I know this path in front of me (without Bruce) will still be a long one. I know I can stay broken. I can keep repeating patterns of dysfunction over and over… OR… I can listen to that divine voice of God within myself and give myself grace when I stumble… the same grace I so easily offer to others. (Why not myself too?)

Bruce gave me such a wonderful gift all those years ago when he believed in me and my ability to walk beside him. Now, it is my turn to pick up that baton and follow this light into a new and unknown space. Bruce always tried to get me to understand the power that is within me – that divine power to create a life of security, serenity, and love – for others and for myself.

Today I am feeling a joy that I haven’t felt in years. A joy in knowing that the divine within me wants me to be courageous and filled with compassion for all of God’s creation… which (to my surprise) also includes myself.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘BE’ and to be comfortable with that however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

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Peace, Love and Grief… Grace

Grace… There are several definitions, but kind of grace I am referring to is defined as “courteous goodwill” or “free and unmerited favor or blessing.” In other words, being “caring” or “being kind to” someone (period)… Not because it is earned or deserved, but just because.

I know the love between Bruce and me felt like grace. It was unconditional and ongoing no matter what was happening in our lives. We both had our good days and our bad, and we loved each other through all of it. So, when I say we loved each other, it was with the grace of unconditional love.

Of course, there were times when we were frustrated or angry with each other. However, when nighttime came, we put all of it aside, because when all was said and done, our love was greater than our anger. Every night, we kissed, went to bed together… And slept in each other’s arms. There was a grace between us that wouldn’t allow for anything less.

When Bruce died, I felt the loss of that daily grace down to the depths of my soul. I think in many ways that may have been (and still is) the hardest part to heal. You see, I had never experienced anything like that before Bruce… And I’m not sure I ever will again.

A couple of months before I met Bruce, I remember my mother saying, “You need someone to love you like God does – but with skin on.” … And that was Bruce… that was our love… A love filled with grace. So, when it was gone, I was devastated… Because it also seemed like all grace was gone.

I know in the beginning, I was so hurt and angry, I didn’t have any grace for anyone. People tried (in the only ways they knew) to reach out or to say the “right thing.” I think I did a lot of smiling on the outside while seething on the inside. I KNOW I spent way too much time dwelling on why this or that response was wrong or hurtful. And yes, they were… However, the hearts and motivation behind those responses weren’t. People meant well… They wanted to help. However, at the time, I couldn’t find the grace to see that.

It took me years to be able to smile with grace and see the love behind the statements that can hurt on the surface. Sure, there are times even now, when I have to smile and walk away, because what is said can still hurt. The difference is I’m not angry anymore.

Instead, I have come to feel a grace that is greater than me… And this grace allows me to see the love and compassion that motivated the response or advice. It is such a different response from me than in the past. I am no longer left drained emotionally or angry about those things which are actually born out of good intentions. In other words, the grace that started with Bruce and me is still inside me somewhere… It just took me a while to find it again.

But… This story doesn’t end there… You see, there is another person in need of that grace. Another person who, for years now, has struggled with showing that same grace to herself – me.

While I have no regrets about our time together, I still struggle with guilt about the night Bruce died… The night he needed me, and in my own eyes, I failed him. Yes, rationally I understand there was nothing I could do to save him that night. However, in my heart, I struggle to offer myself the grace of accepting that reality.

When Bruce and I were married, he showed me how to relax… how to enjoy life. We had our routine at night, where once dinner was over and things were cleaned up, that was the signal that work for the day was done… It was over. The next hour or so was ours. Some nights we sat and talked; others we watched TV or went for a walk. It didn’t matter… Every night we gave each other the grace to simply “be done.”

The weekends were similar. One day was spent doing those things we had to do, and the other was spent together… not working… but giving each other the grace to rest for a day and just love each other.

That is a grace I am still struggling to embrace again…

I guess since Bruce died, (perhaps to avoid the pain), I continually fill the time being busy. I seem to have “a gift” for finding things that need to be done. It has finally reached a point, lately, where I realized I won’t even watch TV without doing some household chore at the same time. In fact, allowing myself any “leisure time” has become pretty much non-existent.

Why? Why can’t I allow myself the grace to rest?

Honestly, I think there are probably many reasons. First, I think I’m scared to allow myself the grace to slow down and feel. I know how hard it can be to find the balance between feeling what I feel and falling into a deep, depressive grief wave. Another reason is likely that I’m not sure I deserve any time to rest, (which probably goes into a whole other can of guilt worms). However, the bottom line is I haven’t given myself the grace to say, “Yes. You can rest. It’s okay.”

This is the spot where I find myself lately. The spot where I offer myself the same grace that I offer others. The spot where I offer myself the same grace Bruce and I offered each other… The grace to “be done” for the day… The grace to rest and the grace to enjoy life… once again.

What about you? Do you know what I mean? Have you ever struggled to offer grace to others? How about yourself? Have you ever found yourself staying busy to avoid the pain? Or is there something else you do? Let us know… We would love to hear your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know that, as well. We are here for you.

To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Dealing with the criticism (part 2)

Last week we started looking at criticism. As I said then, this was one of the first things I experienced on my grief journey, and the idea that anyone would criticize someone when they are already in such pain really threw me for a loop. Initially, I took the criticism in and let it become a part of me. However, within the first year I learned three things that still help me whenever I feel criticized or judged. (Please see last week’s blog for more details on these points.)

1. Believe in myself.
2. Recognize where the criticism is coming from and if respect is a factor.
3. Remember this is my life and no one else’s.

These have become the foundation for what I want to share today… What I learned in years two and three…

During the second year, I started listening to an incredible, motivational and spiritual speaker and author, Dr. Wayne Dyer. If you have never listened to or read his works, I highly suggest doing so. He spoke quite often on how to handle criticism by leaving it behind.

Two of the points he makes have become mantras for me whenever the feedback or criticism I encounter feels disrespectful. The first one is a reminder that what others think of me is none of my business. This one is huge… And it has just enough humor in it to remind me to laugh when I may be on the verge of tears.

The second point states, “When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.” For me this one is important to keep in mind, no matter which side of the feedback or criticism I find myself (and we have all been on both sides). While there is a need and place for respectful feedback, this is a reminder that judgement is never valid because it actually speaks volumes about the person giving it rather than the the person being judged.

Throughout my second year (and beyond), these have become my core mantras whenever I find myself inclined to take the criticism into myself and make it a part of myself. Instead, I remind myself of the fact that just because someone says something does not make it true. My job is to look for respect in their words. If it isn’t there, I can move on without batting an eye. If it is there, then I can look a little deeper to see if what is being said matches what I am seeking to accomplish in this life. From there, I can dig deep and make adjustments, if needed. If not, I move on – no problems… no worries.

While I have read Rob Bell’s books before, year three found me actually studying more and more of what he has to say. I also found myself listening to many of his sermons, podcasts and videos. He is someone who by merely questioning mainstream religious thought became a target of a lot of criticism. However, it never stopped him from doing what he feels drawn to do…

I laugh as he compares criticism to paper cuts and Nerf bullets. That visual has helped me so many times when I find myself on the receiving end… It helps me to simply smile as I move on. In fact, some of his best advice is to do exacty that:
“Ignore the criticism – do what you’re meant to do… and then just keep doing it.”

This was really an extension of year two, so once I had that down pat, I felt another challenge by his words. He, also. states, “Have a thick skin and a soft heart.” The “thick skin” he refers to means I do not take it in and make it a part of myself if it doesn’t belong there… I understood that part in year one. But the second part about having a “soft heart” proved to be harder. At first, I wasn’t quite sure what he meant. Then, I heard him explain, “Do not defend yourself… look for the question behind the question. What else is ‘in the room?'”

In other words, if what someone says in judgement is really more about them, then what is that? What is really going on inside their heart? And… What can I do to help them? Now that is a challenge!

This final thought from Wayne Dyer has really helped me pull it all together so that I can live it day to day. “That which offends you only weakens you. Being offended creates the same destructive energy that offended you in the first place – so transcend your ego and stay in peace.”

In other words, stop looking for reasons to be offended. Besides being a huge waste of energy, concentrating on the details of the criticism only seeks to find validity where there is none. Instead, if I respond with peace, grace and love… and then simply keep doing what I am meant to do, life works much better… for all of us…

This is what I meant a few weeks ago when I said the divine energy within each of us can become a divine reality for someone else by simply being the love and acceptance we are seeking from the world around us.

Shalom, my friends!

Polish your heart
so that it reflects
God’s Love
to the world around you.
~ Linda, February 2016

What about you? Did you struggle with criticism or judgement after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.