Last week we started looking at criticism. As I said then, this was one of the first things I experienced on my grief journey, and the idea that anyone would criticize someone when they are already in such pain really threw me for a loop. Initially, I took the criticism in and let it become a part of me. However, within the first year I learned three things that still help me whenever I feel criticized or judged. (Please see last week’s blog for more details on these points.)
1. Believe in myself.
2. Recognize where the criticism is coming from and if respect is a factor.
3. Remember this is my life and no one else’s.
These have become the foundation for what I want to share today… What I learned in years two and three…
During the second year, I started listening to an incredible, motivational and spiritual speaker and author, Dr. Wayne Dyer. If you have never listened to or read his works, I highly suggest doing so. He spoke quite often on how to handle criticism by leaving it behind.
Two of the points he makes have become mantras for me whenever the feedback or criticism I encounter feels disrespectful. The first one is a reminder that what others think of me is none of my business. This one is huge… And it has just enough humor in it to remind me to laugh when I may be on the verge of tears.
The second point states, “When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.” For me this one is important to keep in mind, no matter which side of the feedback or criticism I find myself (and we have all been on both sides). While there is a need and place for respectful feedback, this is a reminder that judgement is never valid because it actually speaks volumes about the person giving it rather than the the person being judged.
Throughout my second year (and beyond), these have become my core mantras whenever I find myself inclined to take the criticism into myself and make it a part of myself. Instead, I remind myself of the fact that just because someone says something does not make it true. My job is to look for respect in their words. If it isn’t there, I can move on without batting an eye. If it is there, then I can look a little deeper to see if what is being said matches what I am seeking to accomplish in this life. From there, I can dig deep and make adjustments, if needed. If not, I move on – no problems… no worries.
While I have read Rob Bell’s books before, year three found me actually studying more and more of what he has to say. I also found myself listening to many of his sermons, podcasts and videos. He is someone who by merely questioning mainstream religious thought became a target of a lot of criticism. However, it never stopped him from doing what he feels drawn to do…
I laugh as he compares criticism to paper cuts and Nerf bullets. That visual has helped me so many times when I find myself on the receiving end… It helps me to simply smile as I move on. In fact, some of his best advice is to do exacty that:
“Ignore the criticism – do what you’re meant to do… and then just keep doing it.”
This was really an extension of year two, so once I had that down pat, I felt another challenge by his words. He, also. states, “Have a thick skin and a soft heart.” The “thick skin” he refers to means I do not take it in and make it a part of myself if it doesn’t belong there… I understood that part in year one. But the second part about having a “soft heart” proved to be harder. At first, I wasn’t quite sure what he meant. Then, I heard him explain, “Do not defend yourself… look for the question behind the question. What else is ‘in the room?'”
In other words, if what someone says in judgement is really more about them, then what is that? What is really going on inside their heart? And… What can I do to help them? Now that is a challenge!
This final thought from Wayne Dyer has really helped me pull it all together so that I can live it day to day. “That which offends you only weakens you. Being offended creates the same destructive energy that offended you in the first place – so transcend your ego and stay in peace.”
In other words, stop looking for reasons to be offended. Besides being a huge waste of energy, concentrating on the details of the criticism only seeks to find validity where there is none. Instead, if I respond with peace, grace and love… and then simply keep doing what I am meant to do, life works much better… for all of us…
This is what I meant a few weeks ago when I said the divine energy within each of us can become a divine reality for someone else by simply being the love and acceptance we are seeking from the world around us.
Shalom, my friends!
Polish your heart
so that it reflects
God’s Love
to the world around you.
~ Linda, February 2016
What about you? Did you struggle with criticism or judgement after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?
Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief
* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.
