Tag: jealousy

Peace, Love and Grief… Jealous?… Seriously?

“When I see someone with what I lost, I feel the pain all over again.” ~ Rev. Karen Tudor

I remember when this whole thing began… In my support group and in everything I read, I was told I would experience a plethora of emotions. Forget the stages of grief… I would definitely feel those, but it wouldn’t be the “complete the checklist and you’re better” kind of thing. Instead, it would be more like a 3-ring circus with multiple emotions happening all at once – coming and going in the blink of an eye.

In my writings, I have shared most of those feelings, but there is one I’m don’t think I have said out loud… jealousy. Yep… I hate to admit it, but that is one emotion I actually feel more often than I care to admit… and I’m not very proud of myself. It seems to show up in different forms, but it is definitely there, and usually I’m not quite sure what to do with it.

I remember the first time I felt it… I was walking into the grocery store and saw an older couple walking in – hand in hand. Shortly afterward, I was flying to (who knows where) and found myself seated next to a couple about my age, snuggled up, sharing one set of earbuds as they watched a movie together… Both times, it was so sweet… so typical of small moments Bruce and I had shared… And both times I had to look away as tears formed in my eyes. Why did they get a future together? Why not us?

I remember on one business trip, sitting at the hotel bar and listening to the elderly couple next to me flirt with each other. I don’t remember how we started talking but we ended up eating dinner together that night… As it turned out, they were both widows who had just recently married… As I shared my feelings and thoughts (and admitted feeling jealous), they were so kind. I will always remember that night, because they both left me feeling so validated… and normal.

There have been other times, though, which haven’t been as “sweet,” but also left me feeling that tinge…

Just to be clear… I’ve been married, and I know it is normal to argue with the person you love. However, there have been times when I have overheard couples being downright cruel and ugly to each other… Don’t get me wrong, I’m not jealous of the arguing… But I want to shake them silly, because I am jealous that they are still together… still a couple… yet, they don’t seem to appreciate it. All the while, I would give anything for one more conversation or even just one more hug…

There are other times when I listen to friends complain of boredom or lack of love in their relationships… They are only in the relationship “out of obligation”… Honestly, I’m not judging that – I’ve been there, and I get it. What I don’t understand is why Bruce and I don’t get to be together, yet here are these people who don’t even like each other… And they are still together. I know – that sounds awful… I’m not wishing for anyone else to die. I don’t get it – it just doesn’t feel fair… (And I would bet, there are many of you reading this who understand exactly what I mean.)

You’d think that would be it… but it’s not. If you are on Face Book, then I would bet you have seen those notes where people who are still very much in love with their partners will post something that says, “Share this if… you are still married to your soulmate… or you have the best husband/wife ever… or your still love your partner… etc.” I know – These are sweet, and I don’t blame them for shouting it from the mountaintops (or their Face Book feed)… I felt the same way… I guess, that’s why it hits so hard. Every time I read it, I think – “YES! That’s us! … Wait… No, not anymore… I still love him, but does it still count?” Then, I get that pit in my stomach as I scroll past, knowing that is a world where I no longer belong.

Lately several of my friends have announced new relationships or engagements… I love that! I am so excited for them. I remember when Bruce and I first met… I remember the excitement of new love and getting married. I remember feeling like I was the luckiest woman in the world… I remember feeling more loved than I had ever felt in my whole life… I remember all of that… and then, there it is once again… I feel so happy for them… and so sad for Bruce and I.

Everything I read says this is normal… My emotions are normal – they are neither good nor bad. I know it’s what I do with them that makes the difference. Still… I am embarrassed to admit that throughout the years since Bruce died, there have been many times when I have felt this way… sometimes I cry, sometimes I get quiet, and other times I smile… But always there is that tinge of pain and jealousy at what we had… and lost.

Please forgive me…

I am so thankful for this virtual group. Your support and kind notes always touch my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. Does anyone else out there know what I am talking about? Have you ever felt this way too? Please share your thoughts and stories, so others will realize what they feel is normal too… We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone.

Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

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Peace, Love and Grief… Is it normal to be jealous?

Tomorrow is a day of love
for everyone…
but me.
My love is gone…
~ Linda, February 13, 2016

After Bruce passed away, I remember the first time I saw an older couple walking ahead of me holding hands… so happy… so content… so loving. My immediate reaction was one of jealousy. I could not understand why these people were allowed to have the very thing that had been taken from me.

My next reaction was one of disdain toward myself for feeling this way. I remember the tears that welled up in my eyes, as I turned and walked in another direction. I had no idea what to do with either emotion.

I remember another time when I was traveling, I was sitting in the hotel bar eating dinner. Next to me sat an older couple laughing, talking and flirting with each other. At one point, the woman noticed me watching them in the mirror. She turned to me and said, “I’m sorry. I hope we aren’t bothering you.”

It may sound strange, but I couldn’t help but smile back at her. “Y’all are fine,” I responded. “I was just thinking how lucky y’all are. I lost my husband a few months ago, and I miss those moments.”

I will never forget the compassion in their eyes as the woman told me that she had lost her husband many years ago and had recently remarried… She giggled a little as she told me there were in their late seventies, still “honey-mooners” and loved to spend time with each other. I remember feeling warm inside at their story. I remember smiling and talking to them while we ate… I was so happy for them, but deep inside, I was still jealous – I was still alone, and I could not imagine the whole dating and remarriage thing.

I remember sitting on an airplane several months later. Next to me was another older couple. Throughout our flight, they snuggled up sharing earbuds as they played a game on their tablet. They never seemed to notice me watching them out of the corner of my eye. I couldn’t help but smile as I remembered Bruce and I doing the same thing just the year before. I wondered if they knew how precious this moment was… But I was still jealous.

Even this last week, I found myself dealing with the pangs of jealousy. For years due to life’s circumstances, a sweet friend and her husband have had to live hundreds of miles apart. Recently, due to life’s changes, they are back together under one roof. This past week they celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary… together… as they should. On the morning of her anniversary, she brought in a small wedding photo album and placed it on my desk at work.

Here was where it got really sticky for me. I am happy for her… for them… I genuinely am! But opening that book and looking at those pictures was hard… I don’t know how to explain it… But once again, I felt that same jealousy of something I will never have… And that same disdain toward myself for feeling that way.

Through the last 3.5 years I have encountered many, many examples of times when I felt this way. I’m not proud of it. In fact, it is a bit embarrassing to write about… To be so honest about a character flaw that I know I need to learn to handle better.

But it is honest… and…

Late this week while talking to another friend dealing with a loss, I realized it is normal.

She shared her feelings with me with a bit of trepidation, and asked if she was “bad” for feeling jealous. Now that I was the one on the outside looking in, I realized how silly that sounded. Of course, when we loss someone we love we are likely to feel jealous of others who still have similar relationships.

That doesn’t mean that everyone who experiences loss feels jealousy. I know I have had other loss in my life that did not create jealousy. However, when the relationship was filled with passion and love, I believe jealousy is a natural reaction.

I don’t know if I will ever completely get passed that jealous response when I see other loving couples experiencing the small, precious moments of life. However, I do know that as time goes by that initial jealous pang gets shorter…

And the smile and warm feelings of precious memories that will always be mine gets longer.

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with jealousy after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.