Tag: setting boundaries

Peace, Love and Grief… On Boundaries

This week has been a perfect storm… It has been the kickoff of the hardest season of the year for me – a time of celebrations and special days where every few days I am hit with the knowledge that I am here and Bruce is gone. It has also been the week leading up to the full moon… I know there is evidence on both sides of this fence, but from my own experience, the few days prior to the full moon seem to always trigger sadness in me. (Usually, though, I don’t know why I am feeling that way until I finally get the chance to see the moon.) And finally, this has been the week I am supposed to start saying “no” at least once a day.

WHAT???

Yes, you heard me… I have been working on myself lately, and learning how to set boundaries. That may sound pretty basic, but it is something I just never seemed to learn. I grew up in a strict home, (which is fine). It just meant (in our home) children didn’t dare say “no” to anything. Then, in my first marriage, it was the same. He was in charge, and I knew the consequences of crossing him. “No” was not an option there either… The difference is as an adult, “no” should be an option.

When I married Bruce, however, life was different. He not only accepted the fact that I had a mind of my own, he encouraged me to speak up. He never got angry if I disagreed or said “no.” In fact, he was amazingly supportive in that area… In those few years together, my confidence grew as my ability to speak up grew.

BUT, when Bruce died, I lost that… I don’t know why but when he died and I lost his support, I also lost my confidence. Throughout these last few years, I have said over and over how I felt I went backward emotionally when he died… And This is one of the main areas where I lost my footing. The problem has been I know how I feel, but without that deep genuine support (which I didn’t know how to ask for) I felt I couldn’t speak up.

Instead, I have held things in until I exploded in some type of gross display of self-righteous anger… knowing I was leaving hurt in my wake, but not knowing how to do it any different. This has been even more prominent in my grief… Things have happened which were hurtful, but rather than speaking up, I have held my emotions in until I exploded… The problem is I have been too caught up in my own pain to see the pain I have been causing others… until lately…

If this has never been an issue for you, then this probably sounds nuts. However, if you were always told to “be a good girl,” “don’t be mean,” and definitely “don’t cross others,” then you know exactly what I am talking about… Learning to speak up for myself in a way that is not hurtful to others is a learned skill… one I am still working on.

So, I have been working with a mentor/coach while reading the books Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Bradberry and Greaves and Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend to help me make sense of something I don’t understand but genuinely want to fix about myself…

Briefly, I’d like to share some of the things I have learned. First, there are three main obstacles to setting boundaries. People who struggle with setting boundaries usually do so because of one (or more) of these… (For me, it seems to be all three.):

1. A fear of the loss of the relationship (or abandonment). If this is you, it is scary to set limits because you worry you the whole relationship will fall apart. However, this can also leave you feeling like you are a hostage to the relationship. So, what can you do? First, don’t feel like you must be the “fixer.” Instead, broaden the number of people you depend on… People who can empathize – who are willing to just be with you and listen without trying to give solutions… People who understand advice is good, but it has a place and that place is second! Having that safe place to vent, allows you to think things through/talk things out without fear of judgement, making it easier to set necessary limits. (You’d be surprised what a big deal this is!)

2. A fear of conflict – If this is you, conflict avoidance is your game. Here’s the thing… We are taught about conflict in our families of origin. However, if we are taught that we are not allowed to be mad, and we are responsible for other people’s happiness, then instead of learning that conflict can be a good thing, we learn that conflict is bad. This is how “people pleasers” are created. The problem is people pleasers do not set boundaries. Instead, they “train” the people around them to get mad in order to get what they want from the people pleaser. So, bravery is required here… Again, having support will us be courageous when it comes to conflict.

3. Guilt – If this is you, setting boundaries, leaves you feeling guilty. There is a fear that our boundaries may somehow damage the other person, and the last thing we want is to hurt those around us. But here is some food for thought… There is a huge difference between “hurt” and “harm.” They are not the same thing. Sometimes things may hurt in the short term, but help us in the long run. Hurt can allow for growth through honest feedback, but the long run, it creates a more harmonious relationship. Harm, on the other hand, does long term damage. When we confuse these two, it leads to mistrust and seeing others as more fragile than they really are. The best answer here is to respect the other person enough to be honest without being hurtful… Give the other person enough respect to let them adapt to the “no.”

Finally, if abuse is a part of your history (as in my first marriage) it can be even more important to find help and support from others in order to create and keep boundaries… Someone to help “hold you up” when you feel like giving up. This was what Bruce did for me for years… He not only supported me, he encouraged me to set boundaries and never got angry or upset with me when I did. This gave me the courage and to say “no”… And for the first time, I felt like I had some type of control. Why? Because I didn’t have to worry about being abandoned, OR an argument or being made to feel guilty… His support was priceless.

But when he died, somehow I lost all I had learned… So here I am at 55, working on setting boundaries. Each week I have had “homework” to help me figure this out one baby step at a time. For example, last week, I simply monitored each time I wanted to say “no” but didn’t. This week, I was supposed to say “no” or set a limit at least once a day.

This is where I stumbled…

I’m not used to speaking up. So, to me when I try to speak up, it seems to come out all wrong. It’s not like writing, Here I have a rough draft that sounds awkward and rough, but I can rewrite it as many times as I need to before anyone “hears” it. No… when I am talking, I only get one shot, and right now, it just feels awkward.

I won’t lie… I am extremely uncomfortable with this. So many times this week I wanted to give up and go back to my old habits… But that really isn’t what I want – not deep down. At this point in my journey, I desperately want to be more positive… and to do so, I need to be able to do this for myself. So, here I am walking into another week and trying again… Knowing my heart will be hurting even more this week as Bruce and my anniversary approaches, but also knowing I can do this…

With the right mindset (and support) … I know I can do this.

Let me say how thankful I am for this group. Your notes and messages always touch my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. Through these stories and the thoughts we share, I hope others will realize what they feel is normal… We are all dealing with some pretty intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Dealing with the Stress

This has been a week of feeling up and feeling down. It has been a week of enjoying time with an old friend and realizing another friend threw me under the bus to suit their own purpose… In other words, it has been a week most people can probably related to – whether you are grieving or not. However, for most widows, even “everyday” stress can be overwhelming for one simple reason… We have no one to turn to when things are rough… There was a time when we did, but that time has passed. In fact, now all those stressful moments we encounter are compounded by another round of grief as we are reminded once again we are alone.

Through these past 4+ years, I have watched widows collapse emotionally under the stress of doing it all alone… I have watched women pull into themselves, lose their homes, struggle to balance a budget, or let their homes fall apart around them simply because the stress of everyday life was too much. Please don’t assume these are people who never learned to take care of themselves – that has not always the case. Many of these women have done amazingly strong things. They just didn’t have the proper resources to handle the stress of widowhood… Because it is a stressor like to no other.

I guess I have been lucky… My stress issues have not been so severe… But they are still very real, and they seem to affect my life on a pretty consistent basis.

For the last month, my mentor and I have been working on my own self-awareness and how I handle stress. I have spent this time keeping a diary of my emotions. The goal has been to list each emotion without labeling it “good” or “bad.” I was to simply observe what triggered each emotion, my thought process, how I felt physically, and my thoughts on “why.” After a month of this, I have had a lot of “ah-ha” moments… I learned many things about myself which seem so obvious on this end, but which I was completely unaware just a few weeks ago… So, this week became the week to start applying what I have learned.

Two of the biggest things I learned were I create a lot of my own stress either by not setting clear boundaries or by trying to control things which are not in my control.

So, in order to handle my own stress better, these are the areas where I know I need to be most aware. But how to do that became the question this week. After all, if I already knew how to set boundaries or let things go, I wouldn’t be so stressed in the first place.

One of the first things I had to understand and accept was we are ALL designed with a desire to be in control. The problem, however, seems to be we want the stressor to change… But 99.9% of the time, that is not something we can control… That is not something we can change. So, when a stressful situation reared its head this week, I initially “took the bait.” I didn’t like what was happening. I wanted it to stop… But it didn’t stop, and I couldn’t force it to stop. I could feel my face getting red and the tears of anger building up in my eyes, as I struggled to regain control of myself, (which was the only thing I knew I had any chance of controlling in that moment).

This proved harder than I thought it would be.

Our bodies are designed to kick into “auto-pilot” when we are stressed… Our body processes slow down to conserve its resources in case we need to “fight or flee.” For example, our blood pressure rises but our blood flow to the brain decreases. This causes our “emotional” brain to increase, while our “rational” brain decreases. This is why we often find ourselves saying or doing things in “the heat of the moment” which we later regret. This is also why, from a physical standpoint, regaining control is extremely important.

At this point, it is vital to recognize what is happening, which I now realized was the purpose for keeping the diary…

This is where I began to make changes…

I knew the first step was to regain control of myself physically. Only then could I begin to regain control of my thoughts. And from there, I was able to change my perception of the situation. This change of perception, I realized, is my own spiritual growth… and this is where change happens.

This is where I recognize those places I do have control. Then, I am able to set appropriate boundaries and hold on. (I say, “hold on,” because if setting boundaries is new for you, others will have a hard time accepting that you have done so. But hang in there… It will get better.)

So, this week, I did just that… I worked hard on those things I can control – my physical response and the boundaries I needed to set. I did a lot of praying for strength, and I surrendered to God those things I couldn’t control.

So, what was my boundary this week? I stood up for myself. I told the friend who let me down that I was hurt and angry by what they did. I told them, I still care about them and can work with them, but I don’t trust them and will no longer confide in them.

That may not seem like much but it was a big deal for me… It is about baby steps… I know I don’t have to do it all at once.

This will be a new part of my journey. Going forward, I just need to keep in mind handling my stressors involves:
1. The desire to be in control and recognize the stressors when I am not in control.
2. When I judge myself and decide I’m not good enough, I need to remember God created me… I have value… That means it’s okay to accept myself and stand up for myself.
3. Those who love me provide those relationships which see in me what I can’t see in myself.
4. My own spiritual growth is what will allow me to change my perception and handle life’s stressors.

I hope this didn’t sound “preachy” today… That is not my intent. This was a week of growth for me, and I wanted to share it since I have learned so much. I just hope others will realize what they feel is normal… We are ALL dealing with some pretty intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.