Well, it’s that time of year again. This past week Bruce and I would have celebrated our 12th anniversary… together. Instead once again, I celebrated… alone… But that’s okay. I’d rather celebrate the love we shared than pretend it never happened. So if you don’t mind, while my celebrations tend to be similar, I would love to share my day (and my thoughts) with you again.
I started the morning watching the sunrise at the beach where Bruce’s ashes were scattered off shore. I can’t explain it, but I just wanted the first moments of the day to be spent with him. For lunch, I celebrated “us” at our favorite restaurant. (I have gone every year, and the staff never fails to make it special.)
For the afternoon, I headed back to the beach with roses, a beer and a card – gifts for Bruce… My way of commemorating a wonderful man. I have also done this every year, and every year the same thing happens… The beer and the card are immediately taken by the waves. (I like to believe they are taken by Bruce.) However, the flowers are different… Every year (at first), all three roses will go out into the waves, but without fail, Bruce always manages to send one back to me… And no matter how high up on the shore I place my chair, one rogue wave will always bring one rose back and leave it right in front of me… The first few years that would become a battle as I kept trying to throw it back, only to have the ocean simply place it right back at my feet. Now… I just smile and accept it as a gift from Bruce… a sign that he is still nearby… still watching and loving me.
There is so much I could write here about my feelings, but I think the card and note I gave Bruce sums it up…
It isn’t easy being so in love with you
And not being able to see you every day!
There are times when I’d give anything
Just to be able to gaze into your eyes
Or hold you in my arms
Even for a few minutes.
I always feel incomplete
Like a part of me is missing,
When we’re not together.
I know that, right now,
This is how things have to be,
But that doesn’t make it any easier to bear.
Every day without you just reminds me
Of the joy you add to my life,
Joy that I’m missing a lot.
So don’t forget that I love you.
That I’m thinking of you,
And that I’m counting every minute
Until we’re together again.
~Hallmark card (Of course – don’t they say it best!)
My note:
Happy anniversary, Babe! Wow! It’s hard to believe – today would have been 12 years. It’s hard to believe that so long ago, we were both so nervous and excited at the idea of “living happily ever after.” How could we know how deep our love would run… and how very short our time together?
I must confess… My heart breaks each morning as I awake and remember… you are gone… and I am still here. I miss you so much… even time has not managed to change that. Today I am celebrating “us.” Some of that includes tears, but mostly it is smiles over such beautiful, precious memories.
This morning I watched the sunrise and thought of your last text to me – a picture of the sunrise at this same beach saying you wished I were there… Me too! (I believe that is one of my only regrets.)
For lunch, I am at “our” restaurant in Cocoa – toasting us… and remembering our last anniversary dinner here. You made it such a special night. You made me feel like the only woman in the world – a princess… I felt so loved. Even then, we had no idea our time was almost done. All we could see was each other and our future together.
I’ll never understand why God chose this path for us. All I can do is patiently wait until we are together again… in each other’s arms or hand in hand exploring heaven together.
Please stay beside me, Babe… You are my heart and you fill my soul.
I will love you always and forever!
This year, this day held a few tears but mostly I tried to remember to be grateful for what we had… and patient with myself. I still miss him. I can’t help it. There’s a loneliness I can’t explain, and I can’t shake. The one thing in this world I want – I can’t have… But I DO have beautiful memories of our love…
I am so thankful for that, Babe! Happy Anniversary!
I am also thankful for this virtual group. Your support and kind notes always touch my heart, and I feel closer to you through the experiences we share. Through the stories and thoughts we share here, I hope others will realize what they feel is normal… We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *
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