Grief is a strange companion… It is hard. It is an unrelenting struggle…. And… If I am honest here, it has been an unexplainable way of connecting me to Bruce… Sometimes, it even feels like if I were to stop grieving, somehow it would mean I stopped loving him… Or is it really a situation where the only way to stop grieving would be to stop loving him?
I don’t know… maybe it is a bit of both.
All I know for sure is… I do still love him… I also know that the grief can be harder when I focus on him. I don’t know that my love for him or the grief I feel will ever dissipate. (Maybe I am scared to let it.) I just know that it seems to just be a permanent part of my heart… just like Bruce.
At the same time, grief isn’t the driving force in my life these days. It doesn’t define me like it did those first few years. I’m not sad all the time, nor do I cry 24/7. I have learned to enjoy this life… I treasure moments spent with those I love. I enjoy hanging out with my friends, and I love to laugh. I work passionately for causes I believe in, and I try not to get caught up in the negativity that so often can shadow our experiences.
Sure, I don’t always get it right, but that’s okay… I am my own on-going project, I suppose. (Then again, who isn’t?) However, I am learning to pause when the feeling of grief and sadness are strong. In that pause, I am learning to identify the feelings and the triggers. This, in turn, creates choices of how to respond and how to best take care of myself in that moment, which is so much healthier for me than the uncontrollable reactions that I experienced in the beginning.
As y’all know, it wasn’t always this way… This has been a long road for me. Yet, I know that my love of life was one of the things Bruce fell in love with all those years ago… I also know that because that loved that part of me, he wouldn’t want me to lose that… Instead, he would want me to lean into that… to use it for my strength when things feel hard, and to remember that life is meant to be enjoyed and treasured.
So perhaps, after all these years, I may have found a path that works… A path that allows me to still grieve and miss him, without letting that same grief determine who I am becoming in the aftermath of his death… Maybe, just maybe, this is becoming my way of honoring our love… even now.
“You are not what happened to you. In truth, you are what you decide to be in the aftermath of what hurt your heart.” ~ r. h. Sin, The Year of Letting Go, Sep 26
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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