Sometimes I find myself going back to my old journals and reading from those first years after Bruce passed… It may seem odd, but sometimes it is a good reminder of where I was and how far I have traveled emotionally to get where I am now.
As I was reading through that first journal this weekend, it dawned on me that during the first few months after Bruce died, I was constantly bouncing back and forth between “I miss you” and “why did you leave me”. In a lot of ways, these still seem to be the big emotional conundrums going through my head when I am having a rough day.
I guess, I have heard enough near-death stories that ended with “I was given a choice, so I came back” or “I was told my time wasn’t up, so I was sent back”. If those stories are true… if that choice is real… then the pain in thinking that Bruce made a choice to die rather than come back is more than I can bear. In the beginning, those thoughts would send me over the edge where I would struggle for days or even weeks.
Mar 14, 2013
“Today was a good day but tonight is hard. It’s a different hard, though. Tonight is more ‘I miss you’ than ‘why did you leave’… (Still, some of both but more ‘I miss you’.) I will always be thankful for every minute we had together, (even when you made me crazy, LOL), but I’ll never understand why our time had to be so short. I still love you so much!! There are so many moments when this doesn’t feel real. I can picture you here… I can almost feel your arms around me… Then, reality hits and so do the tears. I am so lonely without you… It’s you I long for every moment of every day… What am I supposed to do with that?”
Mar 16, 2013
“I miss you, Babe. Nine weeks… so long – the longest we have ever been apart – ever! I miss you so much… I love you… It’s odd how that part doesn’t stop. I think that is what grief really is – the person is gone (dead to be exact) but the love is still there. It’s like your body had a switch, but the emotions that tie us together do not. They are still here in my heart with nowhere to go.”
It’s funny… I read these entries and realized that the emotions are all actually still there… still the same…
These passages were written only three months after Bruce died, and admittedly, this is still where my heart is. I guess, I have learned to steer away from the “why did you leave me” stuff, because it hurts too much… Although, honestly, the “I miss you” stuff is hard enough.
I think time has allowed me to find better times and ways to express my grief than I did in the beginning. I like to think that I have learned how to manage it vs letting the grief manage me… But I can’t help but wonder if the missing part ever gets any better… He is still the one I want to run to and share the good things in my life. His arms are still what I crave when life is challenging.
I don’t know… I am currently 12+ years on this journey, and I would still give anything to have him back, if even for only a day… to see his smile and hear his voice one more time would be more amazing to me than anything else I could imagine.
I guess, “they” are right when they say that grief is just love with no place to go.
We trust that beyond absence there is a presence.
That beyond the pain there can be healing.
That beyond the brokenness there can be wholeness.
That beyond the anger there may be peace.
That beyond the hurting there may be forgiveness.
That beyond the silence there may be the word.
That beyond the word there may be understanding.
That through understanding there is love.
~ Author Unknown
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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