Tag: challenges

Peace, Love, and Grief – Alone or Lonely

Last week, I mentioned that the most difficult battles are those that lie within us. Because they are within us, those battles can vary from determining our next step on this path to searching for spiritual direction to dealing with past trauma… and the list goes on. There seems to be one element, though, that each of these battles carries… Because they lie within us, each has the potential to be emotionally charged… and that is where I need to be aware and be careful.

One of the biggest challenges that rears its ugly head over and over is that of feeling lonely. Being lonely is such an odd thing, which can lead to some awful experiences, but understanding the nuances involved can be a life saver.

I have always been an introvert… No, I’m not shy. I am referring to where and how I get my energy. For me, I recharge my batteries by being alone. It doesn’t take much, but I definitely need some time to myself each day or I tend to get a bit cranky. The good news… Bruce was the same. While we loved being together, we both needed that time apart, too.

During our marriage, it was not unusual for one of us to go somewhere at the end of a long day just to be alone for a little bit between work and home. For Bruce, it might mean a quick fishing trip off the pier or a quiet beer in a solitary corner of the local pub. For me, it usually meant going to sit by the water (ocean, lake, or river – it doesn’t matter to me) and contemplating life or just letting the sounds of the water calm my soul.

So… One would think that I would love my current situation, living all alone. To be honest, there are parts of it that I like. I enjoy the quiet. I find a respite in my favorite chair, looking out the window, and watching the world go by. For the most part, I can do what I want to do when I want to do it. Equally important, I do not have to do what I don’t want to do, either. In this sense, I truly enjoy being alone.

However, there is a space beyond being alone that is hard. It is a space of darkness that can take over my emotions before I even realize it is there… That space is called loneliness…

“It’s not being alone that hurts. It’s feeling like no one cares.”
~ Muriel, Netflix’s Virgin River

According to the internet, being alone is defined as “having no one else present”; loneliness is defined as “sadness because one has no companions”. So similar… but it is the sadness – the emotion – that makes the difference. Like drifting smoke from a low, smoldering fire, the sadness drifts into my world – unnoticed at first… and before I realize it, I am way down deep into the rabbit hole with self-pity and self-loathing becoming stronger and stronger with each breath.

I wish I understood what it is that triggers the sadness… Maybe that would make it easier to keep at bay. However, I don’t, and that can be problematic. I can’t tell you how many times, I am fine. I am alone and enjoying the moment. Then, there is a trigger. (That is the part I am still trying to figure out.) For whatever reason, as if someone has flipped a switch, I will suddenly feel totally and completely alone.

I usually find myself going through my list of family and friends in my head… “Who can I call?… Who might want to just chat?” Then, just as quickly, I talk myself out of calling anyone. Instead, I will convince myself that to call would be a bother. No one wants to talk to me… No one has time for me… They are all busy… They all have lives and families… They don’t need me to interrupt their time… (and on and on it goes).

I don’t know why I do it, but I don’t think I am alone in this. From what I have read, this is a normal part of widowhood. For whatever reason, we find it very easy to convince ourselves that no one needs us, no one cares, we are a bother… (You get the picture.) And that is where we do ourselves in. It isn’t being alone that is the problem; it is convincing ourselves that no one cares… That thought process becomes the problem.

I don’t know about you, but once I start down that path, I can spiral down quite quickly. Then, climbing back out of that spiral can take some time. It’s hard… It hurts… and sometimes I just don’t have the energy to fight it.

However, I have learned one thing that seems to help… I have a small handful of people that know this is a struggle for me. They also don’t mind being my go-to when life hurts, (and I do the same for them). It probably sounds silly, but as long as I remember to call one of these friends before I spiral too far, I am usually okay…

That is my challenge…. Remembering that I really do have people who love me, care about me, and are willing to “be there” for me before the pain gets too bad… In other words, I (not so simply) need to remember that I may be alone, but that doesn’t mean I have to be lonely.

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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message. *

Peace, Love, and Grief… What Do I Do with a Hurricane?

During that first year after Bruce died, there were so many things that either we did together or he took care on his own, and I had no idea how I would fill that void. Almost ten years later, and the challenges still keep presenting themselves. Over time, though, I learned to either do those things on my own (using a lot of You Tube videos) or I have (thankfully) been able to pay someone to do. This last week, however, was different… This last week’s challenge came in the form of a hurricane named Ian…

Throughout my life, I have found that there are two categories of people when it comes to hurricanes – those who stay and those who leave. Granted, the reasons behind each decision are as individual and vast as the people being affected by the storm. I’m also not saying one decision is better than the other… just that each adult makes that decision for themselves.

Most of my life has been spent living in coastal towns, which means hurricanes have always been a part of my world. Personally, I don’t find them a great adventure, as some do… They are just like a price to pay for living where I live… and that’s my choice.

While Bruce has always loved the coast, he grew up in Michigan, so hurricanes were not something he had ever had to think about. In fact, years ago when we first moved down here to Florida, I remember him making the comment that he would love to see a hurricane. (What???) I remember looking at him and telling him that he would be here alone, because I have no intention of staying in harm’s way… He chuckled, but I don’t think either of us changed our minds.

Truthfully, we both had different emotions when it came to storms in general. I, on the one hand, have been in three different homes that were hit by lightning, so I am not a fan. I’m not scared, and I don’t cry… I just don’t like them. Bruce, on the other hand, liked nothing better than to sit on the porch during a storm and watch the lightning show. Needless to say, he sat out there by himself. LOL!

During our time together here in Florida, Bruce never did get to experience a hurricane. In fact, for another year or so after he died, our area of Florida was spared, so I didn’t have to think about it. However, soon after my daughter and grandson moved in, we had our first hurricane with suggested (not mandatory) evacuation. We decided to put up the shutters and leave town.

There were a couple more hurricanes through the years, and we did the same. However, there was one which was predicted to be a category 1 and not headed directly at us… So, we decided to stay. We prepped the house, got our hurricane supplies, and hunkered down.

I won’t lie… It was a little bit scary. I mean… I wasn’t hiding under the bed or anything, but I didn’t like it. We could hear all of the outdoor sounds, such as the wind, the trees breaking, things being tossed around, but because of the shutters, none of us could see what was actually going on. (That was way too far out of my comfort zone.) In the end, we were fine. We didn’t have power for a day or two, and a few bushes were lost, but nothing major.

Which brings us to Ian this last week…

First of all, it was in the Gulf… Sure, we would get some stormy weather, but I wasn’t worried. In fact, I would say most people in our little town weren’t too worried. We felt bad for those on the west side of the state, but were relieved it wasn’t our turn… Little did we know, it would be our turn too.

Granted, we didn’t get the full fury seen by SW Florida, (and my heart is breaking as we learn more and more about what Ian did there). Yet, Ian was still a hurricane when it passed over our town, and it was slow moving. I keep hurricane supplies and plenty of food and water all the time, so I didn’t need to worry about any of that. However, by the time I realized what we were likely to experience, it was too late to put up the storm shutters or leave town. (And where would I go if I tried to leave? That storm was so massive, it was wreaking havoc in all directions.) So, I pulled all of my outside furniture in, and prayed for the best.

I kept telling myself that I had done this before… I could do this again. I should also tell you that experiencing a hurricane while completely alone is whole other another story.

My biggest concern was the retention pond behind my house. I had already been watching the flooding left in Ian’s wake, so that was my biggest worry. While we had been feeling the bands for days, Ian was set to actually hit our town sometime during the middle of the night, which meant I wouldn’t be able to watch the pond level. When the last light of day dissipated, the pond was about four feet from my property line, and we were forecast to get another 8 – 10 inches of rain.

To say I didn’t sleep, would be an understatement. While the sound of the wind was quite loud, it was actually the worry over the pond that kept me awake. I was up every few minutes to check and see if there was water coming up on the porch. (I couldn’t see any farther in the dark.) I texted friends (who were also wide awake) and watched weather channel like a fiend… I should also confess that the whole time, I kept talking to Bruce and telling him that this was his wish – not mine. (LOL)

(Sigh of relief!) While it took about two days for Ian to pass, in the end, though, all was well here – the pond held, my house is fine, and I only lost a few plants… Not too bad at all!

The biggest thing for me, though is that fact that I did it… and I did it alone! As a widow, I can tell you that things like this are a big deal! Most people I know have families or roommates, so they don’t have to do things like this all alone… And honestly, I would have never thought I could have done this alone, (nor would I have tried to do it alone on purpose).

But I did! And I’m not going to lie, I’m kind of proud of me… I also sincerely believe that Bruce would be impressed and proud, too! (As a side note, however, (proud or not) I still wouldn’t do this by myself again, if there is any way to avoid it. Just sayin’! LOL!)
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This journey isn’t easy… not that you need me to tell you that. Loss can be traumatic, and the grief and life we are left to figure out is hard. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls. There are also challenges where we learn that we are stronger than we think we are… Both of these provide moments where I learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.

Thankfully, as the years pass, I can honestly say that there are more of good moments than bad. Each day, I continue to learn more and more about those things that seem to help me heal and move forward – like sharing precious memories. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without my love… without Bruce. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!

In fact, none of us need to be alone, because we have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Sometimes Life is a Challenge

I don’t care
How much time passes,
I don’t think
I will ever get over losing you.
~ Linda, August 2019

You know how it goes, right? Some weeks are just a little bit harder than others. For the most part, they all seem to start off on the same footing. However, sometimes there is a bump in the road, and the next thing I know, I am in a melancholy place…

This week, I knew I had a minor surgery lined up to remove the melanoma found a couple of weeks ago – a little nerve wracking, but nothing major. I knew I had this… I knew Bruce would be there beside me… I knew (or had a good feeling) that everything is going to be fine… Life in our house rumbled along normally.

However, on Tuesday evening, life took an unexpected turn…

Let me start by telling you about our cats. We have three… Two of our cats are older, and one is pretty young.

The oldest one is right at 20 years old. When my daughter was a teenager, she found him as a kitten outside the store where she worked. He was immediately named for the town, Frogmore. Years later, when she left for college, Frogmore stayed with me, and has been by my side ever since. He moved to Michigan and back here to Florida. He is the Winnie the Pooh of cats – a heart of gold, a love for food and completely at peace with his life.

The youngest one is also my daughter’s. This one was also a stray, but very feral. She was left behind when her mother was taken by animal control. Her name is Lady, and in Lady’s mind, my daughter is her Momma. She is fiercely loyal to my daughter, sees my grandson as her sibling, tolerates me, and struggles to figure out her place with the other two cats. Despite all this, she loves us all in her own way, and does not like it at all if anyone is not at home when they should be. In fact, she will stay by the front screen door waiting for whoever is missing to come home.

Our middle cat is Duffy. She was actually Bruce’s cat. He got her from a rescue shelter right after we met and named her after the bar in the Virgin Islands where we first kissed – Duffy’s Love Shack. There was a special charm about Duffy… She wasn’t your normal cat… She loved pink – anything and everything pink. (I know, they say animals are color-blind, but not her.) She also loved make-up brushes and would hide them under the furniture “for later.”

Mostly, though, she loved Bruce. There was such a special bond between the two of them. He would talk to her, and she would answer. In fact, they would have whole conversations that went on and on. Their favorite game was “cat bowling.” I know it probably sounds awful, but she loved it. He would set up several beer cans at one end of the hall. Then, she would lay down and let him “bowl” her into the cans. Then, she would come running back for more… And she would play as long as he would.

After Bruce died, she grieved… I know she did. In fact, I think she struggled as much as I did. It has just been in the last couple of years that we have started to see some of her old personality once again. I think Frogmore was her rock as she struggled with the loss of Bruce. Watching them throughout these past years, she and Frogmore have been inseparable… Wherever one was, the other was never very far away.

So those are our cats… and we love them. Whenever we are away, the three of them stay on our screened-in porch. When we get home, we let them in, where snuggles and treats are in order. On Tuesday, when I opened the slider to let them in, Lady immediately alerted me that something was wrong. I heard a cry and found Duffy… She was struggling to breathe, and her hind quarters were paralyzed.

My heart sunk… I knew she was getting old, but there had been nothing to indicate a problem. In fact, she had seemed fine that morning. How could this be? She looked at me with wide eyes, and it was obvious she was scared and in pain. I scooped her up and sat in one of the rockers to soothe her, while my daughter located an animal hospital where we could take her. Within a few short minutes, we were on the road. It all felt so surreal…

The staff and vet at the hospital were wonderful. They took Duffy back immediately, but there wasn’t anything they could do… Within the hour, we had lost her… She was gone… and our hearts were broken.

Maybe it sounds silly but losing Duffy this week was like losing another piece of Bruce. It’s crazy, but it really has been hard. If I think about it too long, the tears start. After all, she was his, and even after all this time, that has never changed. Her loss has taken me to a melancholy place… A place filled with memories… and love… and Bruce… Memories of happy times now gone… Times I will always miss… Times I will never know again.

I know this is a part of life… And I know life will go on. However, this week – for these few days – life has presented a bit of a challenge. And I grieve… I grieve for Duffy… and I grieve again for Bruce. However, I’m not the only one. For even as I write this, Frogmore meows as he wonders about looking for his mate, seeming just a bit sadder… And Lady? Well, she sits by the front door… waiting.

How about you? Have you had another experience of loss that brings back the loss of your loved one? Would you be willing to share with us, please? Would you tell us your story? This path can be a hard and lonely one, but NONE of us need to do it alone. We are all here for each other. We all have stories to share. Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.