During that first year after Bruce died, there were so many things that either we did together or he took care on his own, and I had no idea how I would fill that void. Almost ten years later, and the challenges still keep presenting themselves. Over time, though, I learned to either do those things on my own (using a lot of You Tube videos) or I have (thankfully) been able to pay someone to do. This last week, however, was different… This last week’s challenge came in the form of a hurricane named Ian…
Throughout my life, I have found that there are two categories of people when it comes to hurricanes – those who stay and those who leave. Granted, the reasons behind each decision are as individual and vast as the people being affected by the storm. I’m also not saying one decision is better than the other… just that each adult makes that decision for themselves.
Most of my life has been spent living in coastal towns, which means hurricanes have always been a part of my world. Personally, I don’t find them a great adventure, as some do… They are just like a price to pay for living where I live… and that’s my choice.
While Bruce has always loved the coast, he grew up in Michigan, so hurricanes were not something he had ever had to think about. In fact, years ago when we first moved down here to Florida, I remember him making the comment that he would love to see a hurricane. (What???) I remember looking at him and telling him that he would be here alone, because I have no intention of staying in harm’s way… He chuckled, but I don’t think either of us changed our minds.
Truthfully, we both had different emotions when it came to storms in general. I, on the one hand, have been in three different homes that were hit by lightning, so I am not a fan. I’m not scared, and I don’t cry… I just don’t like them. Bruce, on the other hand, liked nothing better than to sit on the porch during a storm and watch the lightning show. Needless to say, he sat out there by himself. LOL!
During our time together here in Florida, Bruce never did get to experience a hurricane. In fact, for another year or so after he died, our area of Florida was spared, so I didn’t have to think about it. However, soon after my daughter and grandson moved in, we had our first hurricane with suggested (not mandatory) evacuation. We decided to put up the shutters and leave town.
There were a couple more hurricanes through the years, and we did the same. However, there was one which was predicted to be a category 1 and not headed directly at us… So, we decided to stay. We prepped the house, got our hurricane supplies, and hunkered down.
I won’t lie… It was a little bit scary. I mean… I wasn’t hiding under the bed or anything, but I didn’t like it. We could hear all of the outdoor sounds, such as the wind, the trees breaking, things being tossed around, but because of the shutters, none of us could see what was actually going on. (That was way too far out of my comfort zone.) In the end, we were fine. We didn’t have power for a day or two, and a few bushes were lost, but nothing major.
Which brings us to Ian this last week…
First of all, it was in the Gulf… Sure, we would get some stormy weather, but I wasn’t worried. In fact, I would say most people in our little town weren’t too worried. We felt bad for those on the west side of the state, but were relieved it wasn’t our turn… Little did we know, it would be our turn too.
Granted, we didn’t get the full fury seen by SW Florida, (and my heart is breaking as we learn more and more about what Ian did there). Yet, Ian was still a hurricane when it passed over our town, and it was slow moving. I keep hurricane supplies and plenty of food and water all the time, so I didn’t need to worry about any of that. However, by the time I realized what we were likely to experience, it was too late to put up the storm shutters or leave town. (And where would I go if I tried to leave? That storm was so massive, it was wreaking havoc in all directions.) So, I pulled all of my outside furniture in, and prayed for the best.
I kept telling myself that I had done this before… I could do this again. I should also tell you that experiencing a hurricane while completely alone is whole other another story.
My biggest concern was the retention pond behind my house. I had already been watching the flooding left in Ian’s wake, so that was my biggest worry. While we had been feeling the bands for days, Ian was set to actually hit our town sometime during the middle of the night, which meant I wouldn’t be able to watch the pond level. When the last light of day dissipated, the pond was about four feet from my property line, and we were forecast to get another 8 – 10 inches of rain.
To say I didn’t sleep, would be an understatement. While the sound of the wind was quite loud, it was actually the worry over the pond that kept me awake. I was up every few minutes to check and see if there was water coming up on the porch. (I couldn’t see any farther in the dark.) I texted friends (who were also wide awake) and watched weather channel like a fiend… I should also confess that the whole time, I kept talking to Bruce and telling him that this was his wish – not mine. (LOL)
(Sigh of relief!) While it took about two days for Ian to pass, in the end, though, all was well here – the pond held, my house is fine, and I only lost a few plants… Not too bad at all!
The biggest thing for me, though is that fact that I did it… and I did it alone! As a widow, I can tell you that things like this are a big deal! Most people I know have families or roommates, so they don’t have to do things like this all alone… And honestly, I would have never thought I could have done this alone, (nor would I have tried to do it alone on purpose).
But I did! And I’m not going to lie, I’m kind of proud of me… I also sincerely believe that Bruce would be impressed and proud, too! (As a side note, however, (proud or not) I still wouldn’t do this by myself again, if there is any way to avoid it. Just sayin’! LOL!)
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This journey isn’t easy… not that you need me to tell you that. Loss can be traumatic, and the grief and life we are left to figure out is hard. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls. There are also challenges where we learn that we are stronger than we think we are… Both of these provide moments where I learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.
Thankfully, as the years pass, I can honestly say that there are more of good moments than bad. Each day, I continue to learn more and more about those things that seem to help me heal and move forward – like sharing precious memories. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without my love… without Bruce. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!
In fact, none of us need to be alone, because we have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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