“What do you think I’m trying to do? Not my fault I was dealt a shitty hand.”
“No, the deal is never anyone’s fault. But you control the way you play.”
~ Shelby Van Pelt, Remarkably Bright Creatures
A little nugget of wisdom came from my mother when I was going through my divorce many years ago. While I know she isn’t the one to come up with the idea, she is the one who passed it on to me, so she gets credit in my book.
Things were rough. That divorce took over three years because of the games my ex played with the system. It seemed like I would get through one huddle, only to find that he had created another… It felt unending.
So, one evening as my mom and I were talking, I mentioned that I was so tired. I wanted to do things right. I just wanted to be apart from him and have a little bit of peace in my life, but he was making it so difficult… And she advised, “You can’t control what other people do… only how you respond.”
Those words have stuck to with me through so many hard times… While I can’t say I am always successful (because I am only human), it does help me with perspective, and sometimes that is what I need in the moment.
However, my mom isn’t the only one to give me advice that I still use today…
As I mentioned last week, I grew up sailing small boats… very small boats, such as Sunfish and Lasers. I loved it. I loved the quiet on the water. I loved riding on the wind. I even loved just sitting there when the wind died down, and I could either relax and wait for the breeze to pick up again or paddle my way back to shore – my choice.
However, before I was ever allowed to take the boat out by myself, my father said I had to prove my skills. To do that, I had to sail the boat way out into the middle of the lake, turtle the boat (flip it over completely), swim to shore and back to the boat (without a life jacket), right the boat by myself, and sail back to the dock. I was about 12 or 13 before I could finally pass that test, but I was determined. I knew what I wanted and I made up my mind that I could do it… so I did.
Before I started, I remember my father saying, “You have a plan. Stay focused on the next step in front of you – don’t focus on where you have been or what is still ahead… Just take it one step at a time.”
It’s funny, but I think that one exercise has carried me through so many other challenges in life. I can’t tell you how many times I have looked back on that experience and think, “I did that… I can do this… Just focus on one step at a time.”
So why am I telling you this? Because a couple of weeks ago, I was watching the Netflix movie, Remarkably Bright Creatures, and there were so many emotions that I could relate to… especially the intense grief expressed by Sally Field’s character.
Almost immediately, I found myself thinking back to those first few days/weeks/months after Bruce died. Back then, I couldn’t even begin to imagine spending the next year alone… much less the rest of my life. Our family tends to live long healthy lives, so odds were that I was only about halfway through my life… The idea that I had at least that same amount of time to get through without Bruce felt impossible.
I couldn’t shake those feelings. There were days when I truly dreaded opening my eyes in the morning because it just felt like one more blip in what felt like forever.
“You can’t fix someone who is determined to stay broken.”
― Shelby Van Pelt, Remarkably Bright Creatures
But… time has passed, and life has continued to do what life does. There have been challenges and moments of despair, as well as good times and moments of celebration. So, while watching that movie, a few weeks ago, I found myself looking back at where I started on this journey compared to where I am now.
With that reflection, I realized something… I have come a long way from where I started. At first, I constantly either focused on where I had been (with Bruce in my life) or where I was headed (a lifetime without him). For the record, I think that is probably normal.
In fact, I still have days where some of that is constantly on my mind. However, over time I have reminded myself that I have done hard things before and not only survived but actually succeeded. I also constantly remind myself when those waves of grief hit that I am absolutely allowed to feel what I feel, but I also get to choose how I will respond and express those feelings.
Part of that is realizing that it is okay to remember and to feel what I feel. It is learning to understand that sometimes we need to see where we started so that we can understand how far we have come. At the same time, I also need to remember not to get stuck focusing on all of that…
Instead, my response needs to be one of processing the grief, and then coming back to the step I am on…
“Tova knew there was a bottom to those depths of despair. Once your soul was soaked through with grief, any more simply ran off, overflowed, the way maple syrup on Saturday morning pancakes always cascaded onto the table whenever Erik was allowed to pour it on himself.”
~ Shelby Van Pelt, Remarkably Bright Creatures
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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