I remember years ago when my kids were little and would ask what I wanted for Mother’s Day. I would always give the same response… I just wanted a day of quiet – a day all to myself. Well, this year I am spending my third Mother’s Day alone and let me tell you – it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I find myself longing for those days of endless chaos (and hugs). So, be careful what you wish for – you just might get it.
As I wrote today’s blog, I started to “pretty it up” and make it more positive. Then I stopped myself. If I am honest about what my grief journey entails then I need to be honest about this day, as well.
I love the fact that there is a day set aside to celebrate my Mom and Bruce’s Mom and all that they have done for us. Without the two of them, the “we” that was Bruce and I would never have been.
I, also, love that there is a day when my daughter is celebrated for being the fabulous mother that she is. My grandson is my whole heart, and as his mother, my daughter makes that happen.
My problem, however, comes when I try to apply the sentiment of the day to myself… This is where I struggle.
You see, in the processes of leaving my first marriage, meeting, loving and losing Bruce, there have been so many areas of my life in which I have grown and developed. However, Mother’s Day is a day I dread… There are emotions attached to this day that make breathing a struggle.
After I left my first marriage, I needed to come to terms with what had transpired over the years and how I had enabled those behaviors. I also had to accept the fact that my job as the mother was to protect my kids. While I thought I was protecting them at the time, the reality was different. They endured quite a bit at the hands of their father and as their mother, I failed to protect them.
Luckily, my kids turned out great (in spite of me)… but this is where my dread of Mother’s Day comes from… It comes from within myself.
For the first few years after my first marriage, we still lived in SC, so it was easy to center the day around my mother and grandmother… I could ignore my own dread and put my energy into loving them.
When I met Bruce, he listened to my thoughts and feelings but he had a completely different perspective. He saw me in a light without judgement. He wanted to celebrate what he called “the strength to leave” and likened it to the legend of a mother pelican.
On our first Mother’s Day together, after only 6 months of marriage, I didn’t expect anything from him. After all, ours was a “later in life” marriage. I wasn’t his mother nor the mother of his daughter. But he saw it differently. When I awoke that morning, he had a card waiting on his side of the bed. He was absolutely beaming when he handed it to me. (I still have that card… and every other one he ever gave me.) Inside was a beautiful message of love along with 3 tickets to the opera for that afternoon. : )
Imagine it… Here was my body-building, truck-driving, football-loving husband willing to spend the afternoon at the opera because he knew how much I would love it… and he included my daughter so that it was a “family affair” – exactly what the day was meant to be. While I am still uncomfortable with this day, I smile when I remember how he always insisted on celebrating me as a mother.
Flash forward to the first Mother’s Day after Bruce passed (May 2013). I found myself struggling in a different light. The kids have been grown and gone for years… and without Bruce, I was alone.
Rather than trying to explain how that feels, I am going to share a few excerpts from my journal over the last few years.
May 12, 2013:
* It is four months today… and Mother’s day… and I’m alone… it has been a really hard day. A few days ago I wrote that I thought I was still here for my kids, but today I am not so sure… they are grown and gone with lives and families of their own. They love me. (I know that without a doubt.)… But I would not say they need me.
* My biggest issue is that I need to stop looking to my kids for comfort… that is not their job and it is not fair to them. Bruce is gone. I am sad and I miss him more than I ever could have imagined – but those are my issues… no one else’s. I have to figure this out myself before I drive everyone off. I love them and they love me, but this will drive them away if I’m not careful… I need some courage – I am losing my confidence.
May 11, 2014:
* It’s Mother’s Day… I’m trying not to feel bad about being alone. I know we all live too far apart for anyone to come for just a day. (D and M will be here on Tuesday and are staying for a few weeks.) I just find that “special” days are hard now that they aren’t so “special” – just another day.
* I don’t want to be here alone. The kids have called or skyped… It’s funny how something so simple means so much. I know I’m not entitled to expect anything but it is nice to feel special.
May 10, 2015:
* Yuck! Mother’s Day #3 without you, Babe… alone…again.
* The kids have already started calling this morning which makes me smile. It is is still hard to accept – I wish I had been a better mom. If I could, I would do things different… Being a mom was the one thing I always wanted to do and be when I grew up… and I really managed to screw it up.
* Today is one of those days when I am hanging on by a thread. I feel myself slipping into a darkness that seems to surround every thought. I need to turn this thought process around. I am trying so hard not to fall down that rabbit hole of self-doubt and self-loathing today, but it is hard.
My reflections for today:
* I survived today. : )
* My grandson was my first call this morning and he lights up my whole world! I spoke to my kids, my mom, and Bruce’s mom – all of these people light up my world.
* I spent time at the beach – a space that was mine and Bruce’s. It was nice to enjoy the simple blessings of today.
* My neighbors reached out and invited me to dinner. They are wonderful friends who empathize with the challenges that go with widows and holidays. They are a constant source of support… and hugs!
* All in all, I still wish I could be physically with Bruce, my kids and my grandson, but that was not to be. However, God has provided the love and support that I needed to get through this Mother’s Day… I can be thankful for that.
In writing this today, I am not looking for anything really. I only want people to understand that if you know someone who has lost a person that connects to their “mother role”, please… reach out to them… they need you.
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You made my Mother’s Day special and you know we love you ! You are family and always will be!!!