There is no easy way to say that someone has died. It will always sound abrupt, maybe because a life cut off is an abrupt experience. I think that has been on my heart since my friend and neighbor died last weekend. I have spent this week struggling with the idea that he is gone… that his smile and “Hi, Linda” will never again be a part of my days.
I have sat with his wife and felt my heart breaking for her… This is a pain I would never want anyone to experience. I know her experience will be different than mine. Yet, I also know that the road in front of her can be hard and filled with emotions that no one can prepare for ahead of time… Someone might be able to tell you about the hurt, but even that bit of information cannot even begin to prepare you for what is ahead.
Grief is hard and no one can tell you how to do it nor can they go through it for you. The best anyone else can do is to come along beside you and walk with you… holding you up… crying with you… or just sitting in the silence with you.
I really don’t have any words of comfort for my friend who is now on my journey… I wish I did. I wish I knew some magical words to make it all better… or that I could give her a list of tasks and say, “Work your way through these and you will feel a lot better.” But there are no magic words, nor is there a list of things that will take the pain away… I know… I tried.
There are things that will help you navigate this journey and learn to live again, but those vary according to each person and their experience. For now, I will be content to be with her in whatever capacity she needs.
With that in mind, I have spent this week thinking about those first few weeks and months. I even pulled out my journal from that time, just to re-immerse myself in those feelings and my thoughts on what I needed back then when everything felt so raw. These are some of those words from the first two weeks after he was gone…
“Oh God! This is too hard! I can’t do it. God is expecting too much from me. It’s been a week – he needs to come back! All last night I kept thinking – these were our last few moments together. I kept trying to remember his smile, his touch, that last kiss goodnight… I just want 1 more hour – 1 hug… 1 smile… 1 more evening spent snuggling on the couch. I need to lay my head on his chest while he strokes my back and tells me it’s all going to be okay… But I don’t get any of that and it’s not going to be okay. I can’t even breathe without him. Oh God, how am I going to do this?”
“I don’t think I can do this. I miss him so much! I can’t do this by myself. I always told him that I could never do this alone. He would smile, kiss me, and promise me he’d be here… but he’s not! This is our house. This is our bed. So, where is he? Why isn’t he here? Why did he leave me… alone?”
“I don’t know how I am going to do this. I feel so consumed. The days get harder and harder. I know that no one can stay forever, but I am dreading being along all the time. I can’t bring myself to start cleaning out his things… What if this is some huge mistake? What if he comes home? I know… he isn’t coming back. I know what the reality is… I just want him back so badly.”
“This sucks! I am so lonely. Today will be my first day alone. I’m scared… I guess it’s just as well. I have to learn to be alone sometime. And I know everyone else has lives that they need to get back to… I wish I did. I wish I could go back to “our” life together. I wish I could get in my car and drive back to my life with Bruce. I can see how people die of a broken heart, when 1 spouse dies and the other dies soon after. I love my family, and I don’t want my kids to ever hurt like this, but being here without Bruce is just wrong. It is too hard. We love each other – not loved – still love each other. It isn’t a switch. I can’t just turn it off. I still love him. We had plans and dreams… Why? Why is this my reality?”
“Last night was hard. Reality hit… I am no longer the center of anyone’s world. From now on, I will be behind whatever is going on in someone else’s life. I understand that. It is the way it should be. Still, it is hard to know that there is no more Bruce who loves me first and foremost. He had a way of making me feel so important… but that is gone now, and I need to accept that. Is it okay to feel sorry for myself about this for just a little while? Can I grieve that too or am I being selfish? I just want to crawl in a hole. I know I am an emotional drain on everyone around me… I want to be who I was… I want to be happy… But I don’t know how to feel that again… At least, not yet. I love you, Babe. I love you so much! The love won’t stop and now it has nowhere to go.”
Those words have been hard to read after all this time. I took it in small spurts, but it was still hard. With each page, all those same feelings came rushing back into my world… Feelings of being abandoned and utter loneliness… Feelings of hurt and pain and having zero direction – like turning in circles in the middle of a forest and having no idea where to take my first step to find my way out of there. These words were written a long time ago, but the emotions are all still there – still just under the surface of my heart.
Loss is hard… Grief is hard… The start of the journey feels impossible. Yet, with the love and support of good people I have very slowly made my way back to a world where I can experience joy and happiness… A world where I can laugh again without feeling guilty… Yet, I would still love to be able to get in my car and drive back to my life with Bruce… A life I will always remember with love and cherish down to the deepest parts of my soul.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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