“The world is in a tender place – that space between no longer and not yet.”
~ Joan Borysenko
I found this quote this week and have hung onto it – mulling it over and sitting with it as it speaks to my heart. I think since Bruce died; I have struggled to figure out where I fit in now. I am no longer part of an “us”, but I certainly don’t feel like a “me” either.
In the dictionary, a widow is defined as “a woman who has lost her spouse by death and has not remarried.” Yet, my experience has been so much more than that. Of course, there is no mention in the dictionary of how that looks and feels… and I get it. Everyone’s experience will be different. Yet the simplicity of that definition just leaves out so much. It makes it sound like so much less than it really is.
I have spent years trying to find the space where I am comfortable… But I’m not sure that place can exist until I am comfortable within my own skin in my own situation. Don’t get me wrong. I am beyond blessed with people all around me who love me – family and friends who have stuck by me through the darkest nights and the happiest days… But it’s me learning to be comfortable as me when I will always miss the “us” that was Bruce and I.
Then, I stumbled on this quote where she mentions that “tender place” … And she describes it so well – “that space between no longer and not yet.” That is where I think I am… in that “tender place”. A place that is so fragile, I am almost scared to breathe – much less move.
Trust me… I know Bruce is gone. That is my reality. I live it day in and day out. I understand that this is how it is – like it or not; accept it or not… This is the life I am given… for now.
Yet, my faith also tells me that this is not the end. I believe that life is made of energy and energy never dies. Therefore, I firmly believe that whether you are rationally scientific or spiritual/religious, there is a good argument for the continuation of life in some form. I also believe that Bruce and I will see each other again. Honestly, if I didn’t believe that I don’t know if I would even want to go on.
… But I do go on… and I want to. I want to do whatever it is I am supposed to do while I am here. I want to spend time with my kids and my family. I want to laugh with my friends and watch the moon rise over the ocean with my sisters. I want to continue my own self-growth and share my love freely with others. I want all those things and so much more.
Yet this space where I find myself is a tender place. It is fragile. It can sometimes feel like I am walking on a thin sheet of glass. I must take each step gingerly and carefully – knowing that the next step may be the one that causes the glass beneath me to shatter.
But isn’t that life? Not necessarily a cautious dance, but more of a mindful one… A dance where I want to notice and appreciate each step along the journey. A dance where I am not wary or too scared to move at all. Instead, I want to be vigilant of everything and take it all in.
I think for me… finding that space where I belong has become a dance of appreciation for what is, while remembering what was and looking forward to what is yet to come. I don’t know where I will end up. Shoot, I don’t even know what tomorrow will hold, but…
… I will continue to dance… I will continue to take one step at a time… And I will continue in this “tender space” – grateful for each soul that joins me along the way – whether that is for one step… or a thousand.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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