Tag: ring

Peace, Love and Grief… Back to That Ring Question

The ring… What to do about the ring?

That has been one of the quandaries for me since Bruce passed… but not his ring – mine. When Bruce died, I was handed the only jewelry he ever wore (and never took off) – his wedding band and a silver anchor necklace. Immediately, I slipped his wedding band onto the chain and placed it around my neck. I wore it there for years. In fact, I still wear it, but with all the surgery and radiation last year, I started tucking it into my clothes… as close to my heart as I can get it.

As for my wedding band, I didn’t even think about it for almost a year. It may sound strange, but I still felt married. (Honestly, there are a lot of times I have to remind myself that I am a widow… which technically means I’m not married, I guess.) That has been an on and off struggle for me as a widow…

For the longest time, it didn’t occur to me to “do” anything with my ring. However, over time I began to notice that different widows did different things in regard to their wedding bands. Some took it off immediately. Others moved it to their right hand, wore it on a chain around their neck or had it made into a different piece of jewelry. However, others just continued wearing it… I continued wearing mine… It just felt right at the time.

There are so many beautiful memories behind my ring. Every day, I would look at it and remember how much I had been loved, and how much I had loved him. It was a material representation of what we had… I couldn’t let go… I just couldn’t.

After the first year, I began to realize that while the ring brought me comfort, it also created some awkward conversations. Inevitably, someone would notice the ring and ask about my husband. I would answer that my husband had passed away and the conversation immediately became awkward. Caught off guard, people didn’t know how to respond, but I didn’t know how to answer any different. Finally, I came to the conclusion that, I should think about doing something different.

Doing what I usually do, I started with some research. Immediately, I found that there is no such thing as “widow’s ring etiquette.” There is no etiquette on what to do and when to do it. The bottom line is each person does what feels right for them… and what feels right at one point may change over time.

For a while, I tried placing my setting on Bruce’s chain with his ring, and wore them both around my neck… But my finger felt so empty! It was too weird! I decided to see if I could find a ring to wear on that same finger but would represent the changes in my life. I didn’t have anything in particular in mind. In my gut, though, I knew when I saw the right ring, I would know.

A few months into my search, I found what I felt was the perfect ring while in Mexico. It was a beautiful blue/violet tanzanite stone surrounded by a triangle of tiny diamonds. The stone was the color of the ocean where we met and spent so much time sailing, as well as the sky we dreamed under. The triangle symbolized strength, hope, spirituality, past/ present/ future and both the masculine and feminine (depending on the direction it points).

I loved it! It felt so perfect! I called it my “life ring.” It seemed to be a perfect representation of my life before Bruce and I met, our life together, and my future – whatever that might be.

I thought that would be it… For me, the ring question was finally answered… but things change.

Last year, when I was diagnosed with cancer, I was terrified! The idea of doing everything I needed to do without Bruce just seemed impossible. I didn’t think I had the strength to do it. I needed him by my side…

Then, one night as I removed the chain from around my neck, my ring caught my eye. It is the most beautiful piece of jewelry I have ever owned. However, more than that… Whenever I look at it, all I can think about it how much that man loved me, and how much I loved him. That ring was a symbol of us… side by side… for better or for worse… in sickness or in health…

In that moment, I made the decision… I put it back on.

All through my treatments, whenever I felt alone or afraid, I would look at that ring and know that Bruce was with me… I wasn’t alone. It probably sounds silly, but that ring (and everything it represented) gave me so much courage and strength. I would swear to you, it had as much to do with my healing and determination to live as any of the treatments I undertook.

So here I am… The cancer is gone, and I am on a healthy path, but the ring is still right here on my finger. It’s funny… I have come a long way in my grief. I am learning to “stand tall” a lot more than I cry. I am laughing and enjoying life again. I am feeling adventurous and stepping out in new directions. Yet, this ring remains on my finger. Honestly, I don’t know if I will take it off again or not… and I’m not really worried about it.

Why? Because it makes me smile… And when life offers you something that makes you smile; you should just enjoy it!

What about you? Have you ever found yourself in a quandary over the ring… Trying to decide on the best way to move forward and still not forget the past? This journey can be hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… What about the ring?

What to do about the ring? That has been one of the quandaries for me since Bruce passed… but not his ring – mine. When Bruce died, I was handed the only jewelry he ever wore (and never took off) – his wedding band and a silver anchor necklace. Immediately, I slipped his wedding band onto the chain and placed it around my neck where it has remained ever since.

As for my wedding band, I didn’t even think about it for almost a year. I still felt married so for a long time it never even occurred to me to “do” anything with my ring. Over time I began to notice that different widows did different things in regards to their wedding bands. Some took it off immediately. Others moved it to their right hand, wore it on a chain around their neck or had it made into a different piece of jewelry. However, others just continued wearing it… I continued wearing it.

For me, I just couldn’t bring myself to take off my ring… it meant too much to me. When Bruce asked me to marry him, we went to pick out rings and the conversation went something like this:

Bruce – What kind of ring do you want?

Me – Real.

Bruce just laughed. He had heard the story before. After I divorced my first husband, I took my wedding and engagement rings to a jeweler to see if I could trade the value of the rings towards a Mother’s ring with the birthstones of my children. The jeweler kept talking about the value of the gold but not the diamond. Finally I asked, “What about the diamond?”

“I don’t know how to tell you this,” she said. “The stone isn’t even cubic zirconia… It’s glass.”

GLASS??? That poor jeweler must have thought I was crazy, because I just started laughing. My ex-husband had gotten the last laugh after all. All those years of hearing him talk about the beautiful diamond in that ring, and I could have been cleaning it with Windex. (That story still makes me laugh!)

Anyway, with Bruce, I actually picked a small marquis cut diamond set in white gold. Bruce asked me why I wanted such a small stone. I explained that my hands are pretty small so a large stone just looks funny. Plus, with all the sailing we did, a large stone would probably get in the way.

A few months later while packing to move from SC to MI to get married, Bruce flew down to help the kids and I pack. At the end of the last day, he asked me to walk with him out on the dock for “some quiet time and one last look at the water.” As we sat watching the sun set over the river, he took my hand and looking at it said “Something’s missing.” Then, he took out a ring and placed it on my finger. It was the same ring I had chosen with one exception… it was a larger stone than the one I had picked. I looked at him with tears in my eyes. “It’s bigger,” I said.

“I don’t want you to ever doubt how valuable you are to me,” he said. “I want you to always look at this ring and know without a doubt that you are my world.”

A few weeks later when he placed the wedding band on my finger, I realized immediately that he had done it again. I had picked a simple band, not wanting to “break the bank.” (After all, he was taking on a wife and 4 kids… that was going to have enough impact on the finances.) But what he gave me was a beautiful wrap with 6 small diamonds to surround my engagement ring. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen… and even more beautiful because of the love that came with it.

(After the wedding, we had the two rings soldered together so it was actually one solid ring.)

With all of these beautiful memories in mind, I didn’t want to take this ring off. Everyday, I would look at it and remember how much I had been loved, and how much I had loved him. It was a material representation of what we had… I couldn’t let go… I just couldn’t.

After the first year, I began to realize that while the ring brought me comfort, it also created some awkward conversations. Inevitably, someone would notice the ring and ask about my husband. I would answer that my husband had passed away and the conversation immediately became awkward. Caught off guard, people didn’t know how to respond, but I didn’t know how to answer any different. I came to realize that for my own sake, I needed to do SOMETHING different.

Doing what I usually do, I started with some research. Immediately, I found that there is no such thing as “widow’s ring etiquette.” There is no etiquette on what to do and when to do it. The bottom line is each person does what feels right for them… and what feels right at one point may change over time.

Eventually, I came upon something called a “widow’s ring.” While this tradition is rarely followed in the US today, it can be traced back to Victorian Europe (maybe earlier). A widow’s ring is set with dark stones and worn either in place of or with the original wedding set.

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At this point, I decided to place my setting on Bruce’s chain and wear them both around my neck. My finger felt so empty as I started my hunt for the perfect ring. I didn’t have anything in particular in mind. I just knew without a doubt when I saw it, I would know.

Sure enough, seven months into my search, I found the perfect ring last week in Mexico. I knew it the moment I saw it. It was nothing like I had imagined but I knew immediately that this was the perfect symbol to represent our life together.
It is not dark stones at all. (I think that would have been too sad, too negative and definitely not a representation of Bruce and me.) It is a beautiful blue/violet tanzanite… the color of the ocean where we met and spent so much time sailing, as well as the sky we dreamed under. The stone is surrounded by a triangle – the symbol of strength, hope, spirituality, past/ present/ future and both the masculine and feminine (depending on the direction it points).

I was searching for a widow’s ring, but that is not what I found. I found something I prefer to call a “life ring.” Why? Because it perfectly represents Bruce and I – our life before we met, while we were together and as we wait to be together again. I love it! It feels absolutely perfect.

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So, here I am two years and five months into this journey and a symbol of the life Bruce and I share(d) is in place… one more hurdle jumped successfully.

Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.