What to do about the ring? That has been one of the quandaries for me since Bruce passed… but not his ring – mine. When Bruce died, I was handed the only jewelry he ever wore (and never took off) – his wedding band and a silver anchor necklace. Immediately, I slipped his wedding band onto the chain and placed it around my neck where it has remained ever since.
As for my wedding band, I didn’t even think about it for almost a year. I still felt married so for a long time it never even occurred to me to “do” anything with my ring. Over time I began to notice that different widows did different things in regards to their wedding bands. Some took it off immediately. Others moved it to their right hand, wore it on a chain around their neck or had it made into a different piece of jewelry. However, others just continued wearing it… I continued wearing it.
For me, I just couldn’t bring myself to take off my ring… it meant too much to me. When Bruce asked me to marry him, we went to pick out rings and the conversation went something like this:
Bruce – What kind of ring do you want?
Me – Real.
Bruce just laughed. He had heard the story before. After I divorced my first husband, I took my wedding and engagement rings to a jeweler to see if I could trade the value of the rings towards a Mother’s ring with the birthstones of my children. The jeweler kept talking about the value of the gold but not the diamond. Finally I asked, “What about the diamond?”
“I don’t know how to tell you this,” she said. “The stone isn’t even cubic zirconia… It’s glass.”
GLASS??? That poor jeweler must have thought I was crazy, because I just started laughing. My ex-husband had gotten the last laugh after all. All those years of hearing him talk about the beautiful diamond in that ring, and I could have been cleaning it with Windex. (That story still makes me laugh!)
Anyway, with Bruce, I actually picked a small marquis cut diamond set in white gold. Bruce asked me why I wanted such a small stone. I explained that my hands are pretty small so a large stone just looks funny. Plus, with all the sailing we did, a large stone would probably get in the way.
A few months later while packing to move from SC to MI to get married, Bruce flew down to help the kids and I pack. At the end of the last day, he asked me to walk with him out on the dock for “some quiet time and one last look at the water.” As we sat watching the sun set over the river, he took my hand and looking at it said “Something’s missing.” Then, he took out a ring and placed it on my finger. It was the same ring I had chosen with one exception… it was a larger stone than the one I had picked. I looked at him with tears in my eyes. “It’s bigger,” I said.
“I don’t want you to ever doubt how valuable you are to me,” he said. “I want you to always look at this ring and know without a doubt that you are my world.”
A few weeks later when he placed the wedding band on my finger, I realized immediately that he had done it again. I had picked a simple band, not wanting to “break the bank.” (After all, he was taking on a wife and 4 kids… that was going to have enough impact on the finances.) But what he gave me was a beautiful wrap with 6 small diamonds to surround my engagement ring. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen… and even more beautiful because of the love that came with it.
(After the wedding, we had the two rings soldered together so it was actually one solid ring.)
With all of these beautiful memories in mind, I didn’t want to take this ring off. Everyday, I would look at it and remember how much I had been loved, and how much I had loved him. It was a material representation of what we had… I couldn’t let go… I just couldn’t.
After the first year, I began to realize that while the ring brought me comfort, it also created some awkward conversations. Inevitably, someone would notice the ring and ask about my husband. I would answer that my husband had passed away and the conversation immediately became awkward. Caught off guard, people didn’t know how to respond, but I didn’t know how to answer any different. I came to realize that for my own sake, I needed to do SOMETHING different.
Doing what I usually do, I started with some research. Immediately, I found that there is no such thing as “widow’s ring etiquette.” There is no etiquette on what to do and when to do it. The bottom line is each person does what feels right for them… and what feels right at one point may change over time.
Eventually, I came upon something called a “widow’s ring.” While this tradition is rarely followed in the US today, it can be traced back to Victorian Europe (maybe earlier). A widow’s ring is set with dark stones and worn either in place of or with the original wedding set.
At this point, I decided to place my setting on Bruce’s chain and wear them both around my neck. My finger felt so empty as I started my hunt for the perfect ring. I didn’t have anything in particular in mind. I just knew without a doubt when I saw it, I would know.
Sure enough, seven months into my search, I found the perfect ring last week in Mexico. I knew it the moment I saw it. It was nothing like I had imagined but I knew immediately that this was the perfect symbol to represent our life together.
It is not dark stones at all. (I think that would have been too sad, too negative and definitely not a representation of Bruce and me.) It is a beautiful blue/violet tanzanite… the color of the ocean where we met and spent so much time sailing, as well as the sky we dreamed under. The stone is surrounded by a triangle – the symbol of strength, hope, spirituality, past/ present/ future and both the masculine and feminine (depending on the direction it points).
I was searching for a widow’s ring, but that is not what I found. I found something I prefer to call a “life ring.” Why? Because it perfectly represents Bruce and I – our life before we met, while we were together and as we wait to be together again. I love it! It feels absolutely perfect.
So, here I am two years and five months into this journey and a symbol of the life Bruce and I share(d) is in place… one more hurdle jumped successfully.
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My husband passed away 10 months ago. We were married for over 15 years. In the very beginning I always wore my ring. As time went on, instead of bringing me comfort, it brought me to tears because it became a symbol of something that no longer existed. But I wanted to honor my husband and the love we shared. I took the diamond that he gave me to the jeweler that did our wedding rings. I am having a 3 stone ring made – my engagement diamond in the middle and my husbands birthstone on each side. I can’t wait until it is finished. I will wear it on my right hand as a tribute to the love of my life and how much I miss him every day. It took me a while to figure out what I wanted to do, but this feels right.
That is a wonderful idea and a beautiful way to honor your love for each other! I love it! {{hugs}}
My husband died almost two years ago after a very brief illness. My 10-year-old son and I moved to another state a year ago and I continued to wear my wedding rings. As you mentioned, people would ask about my husband. Finally, a new friend suggested I wear my rings on a chain to help avoid the awkward conversations but now my finger feels naked. Plus, I admit, I still feel married (don’t get me started on forms that only have the option of “single, married or divorced” – I still put down married without thinking). I love the idea of a new ring that symbolizes my 12 years with him. Thank you for a beautiful idea. And thank you for sharing your story. It is comforting to know that others have experienced the same issues I am confronting.
Thank you for sharing your story. I wear my husband’s wedding ring on my chain he bought me years ago. It’s been 11 months since he died. I’m actually wearing the wedding ring he upgraded to that was suppose to be for our 15th Anniversary. He died before our 14th anniversary at home surrounded by all of us after 6 months of stage 4 kidney diagnosis. And before that I put on the other wedding ring on my right hand. He wanted rings for our sons. I miss him everyday. He was my best friend. We actually had talked about what we would do if 1 of us should pass. He said he’d marry again and I remember feeling so hurt and mad because how dare He? I would say I wouldn’t and couldn’t, then 1 day I said you know what I probably would remarry. I remember his tune some what changed. But being in constant heart ache is getting to me seeing my rings. So ironically I’m wearing a band not a wedding band my mother in law who also passed last year right before my husband and a white gold Tanzanite ring his sister gifted me from a break up with a ex after she missed carried. She passed away too in 2014. We were very good friends. So much heartache. After reading this im thinking of retiring all of them to storage for my son’s except my husband’s wedding band on my necklace. And replacing with a “life band” Thank you and God bless. I wouldve included pictures of my rings but I didn’t know how.
Thank you and God bless you.
Ms. Tammy C Ruiz
Thank you for sharing your story, Tammy. I am so sorry for your many losses, especially your husband. For me, even though it is years later, I still wear our wedding bands on a chain every day… Maybe one day that will change, but right now I can’t imagine it. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers… {{hugs}}
Thank you Linda for sharing your love story and for the pictures of your beautiful rings.
On May 15th my husband Greg went to the kitchen to get us some ice cream. I heard a loud crash and went running to see what happened. He was on the floor and I couldn’t understand what was wrong with him. I started CPR right away called 911 and did what they told me to do until they arrived almost 15 minutes later. They immediately took over and said that they felt his heart beat but that he had had a massive heart attack and rushed him to the hospital. They did what they could but he did not survive and my heart broke.
We were together for a long time but married only 3 1/2 years. We had just both retired and I was looking forward to this next journey with him by my side. Life is never what you expect it to be
Of course all this and the pandemic has been extremely difficult. I talk to friends online and on the phone which is helpful. And I have our pets that I love to care for too so that has saved me from total loneliness.
At first I wore my husband’s ring on a chain now I wear it on my index finger or thumb and sometimes on a chain again. I’m like the other women who shared, when I go out I wear my rings to signal to others I’m not alone and sometimes just because I want to.
I haven’t been able to go through his office or his clothing for donations, and his coats still hang on the hooks near the front door. I know when I’m ready I will do all these things but I’m just not ready yet.
Gabriela, Our stories sound so similar. I am so very sorry for your loss and on-going grief. I just passed the eighth anniversary since my husband’s passing, and haven’t managed to completely figure out the ring thing. His is too big for me to wear it, but usually when I go out, I wear it on a chain… It just makes me feel like I’m not alone. <3
I was glad to find your blog about your journey to the “widow’s ring”. My husband of 45 years died about a year and a half ago after a short bout with bone marrow cancer. We’d been talking about a 50th anniversary ring. So I’ve been looking for something to combine the two ideas. I like the idea of the darker blue stone. Nathan’s ashes were scattered in the ocean. So The blue, to my mind, is appropriate. Thank you for the idea!
I LOVE that idea!! <3