After my Grandfather died, my Grandmother continued living in her house out in the country. One day, a friend of theirs stopped by her office to tell her that he was concerned about her living “out there all alone.” He suggested that she should consider getting a dog for protection. She told him, she didn’t want the mess or work of owning a dog, nor did she want to worry about what to do with a dog while she was at work or traveling. “No,” she told him. “That would never do.”
Then, he continued voicing his concerns and told her that if she wouldn’t get a dog, she should consider remarrying so she would have a man to protect her. She looked him in the eye and responded, “I’d rather get a dog.”
That story always made me laugh!! However, when she was telling it, I had no idea I would one day understand there was more to this story that only SHE could understand at the time. She loved my grandfather – that was not her issue. But dating or getting married were not on her list of “things to do.”
Now that I am a widow, as well, I understand her response so much better…
“When are you going to get over this?”… “When are you going to move on?”… “You need to consider moving forward.”… “Life moves on, you know.”… “I think you may be ‘stuck.'” … “Bruce would want you to move on.”
I started hearing these statements in one form or another almost immediately after Bruce passed away…
The first time, I was furious! Two weeks after his death, I had a well-known security system installed in my home. Within hours of leaving my home, the sales agent using the information from my forms, called and asked me to attend a Super Bowl party with him. That was bad enough… but worse to me was the reaction I received when I vented to a neighbor. He stated that I should go on the date and “start moving on.” Seriously?? I could not even begin to comprehend his thought process.
At the time, I thought surely this was a one time scenario. I had no idea that was only the beginning. The craziest part (to me) is that everytime someone makes one of these statements about “getting over it,” it is almost always in regards to dating again… as if that is the qualifier of “moving on.”
At first, it really caught me by surprise. If I made a statement that I was “doing better,” “feeling better” or even simply “feeling happy,” nine times out of ten, the other person in the conversation would reply with some comment about dating. Then, I would find myself getting frustrated and angry… Why is dating the definition of “doing better?” Who made the decision that dating is the deciding factor?
Recently, I was in a widow’s on-line chat group when someone mentioned that she felt “pushed” by friends and family to date again, but it had only been three months since her husband had passed away. She didn’t feel ready but wanted to know what others in the group had done.
I was sadly surprised by the responses. There were a number of people who responded that they had experienced the same thing. However, for a variety of reasons, many had chosen to date just to get people to leave them alone. The majority stated they weren’t interested at all… In fact, they actually resented the person they were dating rather than being happy or excited, because they felt “pushed.”
How sad… so many people were doing something they did not want to do, simply to avoid a conversation that they found frustrating.
At the time of the first conversation I had with my neighbor, I too was frustrated with the response I received and found myself trying to defend my position. For the first couple of years, whenever this subject came up my response was the same and my frustration grew. In fact, there are some people I gave up talking to entirely because that was all they seemed to be able to focus on.
I have found that time has mellowed my thought process, and hence, my response. I don’t get frustrated, and I definitely do not feel the need to defend myself. All of that is really pointless – such a waste of energy. Truthfully, we all have an opinion about what we think we would do in another person’s shoes. (It really doesn’t matter whether we are talking about being a widow or what to eat for lunch.) It is what we do with that opinion that makes the difference.
There will always be some people who want to force their opinion onto the people around them. Sometimes these people are so sure they are right, they may even be a bit aggressive. I’ve learned to recognize these people by their “You should…” or “You need to…” statements.
Other people are genuinely curious. They mean well but they don’t understand why you do what you do. However, these people will not tell you what to do. They will ask questions and listen to the answers… They truly want to understand.
I respect this second group. I don’t mind the questions or the conversation that follows. I have learned that one of the best places to start is often by asking for their definition of “getting over it.” Over time, I have found that everyone defines it differently… so do I.
For me, “getting over it” or “moving on” means that I am able to live my life in such a way that I am happy… genuinely happy. Life will continue to throw curve balls – it always does. But my growth (my “moving forward”) is found in how I handle each situation.
After my divorce, I learned a lot about healing first… becoming whole first. After I left my first husband, I still waited over 3 years before I dated. I knew I needed that time to heal. And despite pressure from other people, I did what I knew was right for me.
Since Bruce died, I have found myself doing that again… Taking the time I need to heal in order to feel whole and happy again. My life may or may not include another relationship at some point. However, my point is I am okay either way, because having another relationship is not my goal.
I know without a doubt that no one can ever complete another person. We need to be whole first on our own. So when I define “getting over it” or “moving forward” for me, it means to become a whole, happy, healthy person on my own…
Which, in fact, I feel like I am… I simply want to see where life takes me and enjoy the ride.
Do you have a story to share? A story about coming to terms with your loved one’s death? Or others trying to tell you how to cope? How did YOU handle it?
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