Carol King’s 1971 hit, “Tapestry,” has always struck a chord with me… I remember getting that album for Christmas and listening to it over and over. (In fact, I still own it – in CD form – and listen to it constantly.) There has always been something hauntingly true in her lyrics about how our lives are filled with one change after another and our response to those changes.
All of us have experienced change in our lives… It is impossible not to. It is those transforming experiences that shape and mold us – that make us who we are at any given point in time… But even that can (and will) change…
As a young child living along a country, dirt road, I remember being carefree… There wasn’t too much that really bothered me, and even knowing the consequences, I would usually do whatever I felt inclined to try… Life was fun, and my world was safe. However by about mid-childhood, I had definitely changed into a “rules driven” personality… I wanted to be a “good girl” in the eyes of the adults in my world. I have to admit I wasn’t always successful, (there was still too much “carefree” inside), but I tried.
Like most teenagers, I was constantly told I was rebellious. (Although, looking back, I would call it “finding my wings.”) I can remember sitting in Sunday School and listening to the teacher use Carol King’s song as an analogy. She described the “mess” on the back of a tapestry and how sometimes that is the way we view our lives as we go from one experience to another. But God is creating the front of the tapestry, and we should wait patiently to see the beauty of the finished product.
Move ahead to my first marriage, and I had changed again… Due to the violence in our home, I became whoever I needed to be in each moment to keep the peace as best I could. I learned to assess body language and emotions before, during and after every interaction…. Being vigilant to notice any change in these became a “normal” (albeit stress-filled) way of life…
However, I “found my wings” again when I left that situation and moved on. It was a beautiful feeling as I learned to love life again. In fact, when I met Bruce during this time, I initially walked away, because I didn’t want to chance being stifled again… I just wanted to live my life in peace.
Obviously that didn’t last long! : ) Bruce’s inner strength and gentle spirit had already woven their magic into my soul. We were connected in a way, that I would have told you only happened in Fairy Tales… But it happened to us. And for eight beautiful years, I was blessed to live “happily ever after.”
I blossomed during those years. Without saying a word, Bruce taught me about acceptance, unconditional love and living a genuine life. People tell me, I had the same effect on him. We both changed, I guess, and became more of who we were meant to be… We were amazing together.
Then, one night without any warning, We became Me again.
In the beginning, I was too numb with shock to understand or accept what had happened. If it weren’t for my journals and the “On this day” feature on Face Book, I wouldn’t remember very much about that first year… except the emotions. I remember feeling angry and scared and mostly abandoned. I think it would be safe to say I lost myself that year…
Sometime towards the end of that first year, though, I started digging deeper into who Bruce was… into his legacy. I wanted to understand this quiet man and what made him tick. So, I started reading the books and articles he had read. I listened to the speakers and music he enjoyed. I dug through his papers searching for anything hand-written, in an effort to understand what he felt was important… After four years of this, I feel I understand Bruce so much more now than when he was here.
I also have come to realize I have changed again… I am still me, but I have taken on a lot of Bruce, too.
I think one of the biggest changes is in being social. I used to love being social… going out with friends and entertaining were top on my list of fun things to do… I never knew a stranger – “The more the merrier” was my mantra. Now (more like Bruce), I am content to be alone or simply hang out with one or two people. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not shy… I can do crowds and strangers, but it is not my preference… It is not my comfort zone.
It probably sounds crazy (given my first marriage), but in the past I trusted everyone… A person had to show me several times I could not trust them before I made that call. Now (more like Bruce), I believe trust is something that comes with time – It is not a “given.” I am learning I can accept someone where they are on their journey and care about them, but that does not necessarily translate into trusting them.
Probably the biggest change has been my faith. Before, I was very good at being religious and calling it faith. I knew all the “right” answers and could quote scripture to back it up. Bruce, however, was very different… He wasn’t a fan of organized religion, yet he lived a life that was more “Christ-like,” more genuine and loving, than anyone I had ever met. To get from where I was to where he had been took a lot of soul searching…
When Bruce died, I was very angry with God… I am talking about the cursing and shaking my fist at God kind of mad… After all, I had followed the “rules.” Why did he let this happen? Hadn’t I already dealt with enough? Why did he send me such happiness, just to snatch it away? Did he really hate me this much?
As I learned more and more about what made Bruce tick, I found myself digging deeper and deeper into my own faith and what I really believe… I had my own spiritual experience and found my own faith… As a result, I feel closer to God than I have ever felt in my life, because for the first time, my faith is based on my experience and no one else’s… I, also, have to say while I am no longer “good at religion,” I am much better at being me and living in a way that reflects what I say believe.
So why am I telling you all of this?
Because when Bruce died, “We” became “Me” in an instant. When people talked about my “new normal” and my “grief journey,” I thought they were referring to healing and learning to love again. I had no idea what they were referring to would mean a lot more change.
The funny part is I didn’t really realize how much I have changed… how much of Bruce’s legacy I have taken on until this year. It makes me smile to when I see the beauty of Bruce’s tapestry as it has been (and continues to be) inter-woven into mine…
Yes, there was a day when “We” became “Me”… But as time passes, I am learning that there will always be a bit of “We” inside me… That part of the Tapestry can never be undone… and that makes me smile the most.
For most of us, the grief journey is a hard one. Learning to navigate this path and being willing to change can make the difference between healing and merely surviving. What about you? Looking back, do you find you have stayed the same or changed? What does your tapestry look like? If any of this strikes a chord with you, let us know. Or if you need a hand, let us know… we are here for you. If you have found a positive way through this, would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *
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