For as long as I knew him (and probably before that), Bruce always spent his birthday with his folks. The first year I had only known him a few months when he invited me to join him at his parents’ home to celebrate his birthday. At that time, they lived in a small town just outside Pensacola, on the Alabama side of the border, called Lillian. I was so nervous about going, but it was a magical weekend… And it wasn’t even my birthday.
During that weekend, I learned just how important family was to this man I had fallen in love with… Which only made me love him that much more. With the exception of 2011, we traveled there every year to celebrate his birthday, and it became the highlight of springtime for both us. When we were in Michigan, it was a much-needed break from the never-ending winter, while celebrating life with people we loved. Then, once we moved to Florida, it was a day’s drive over with the same results… Always a magical week filled with love, laughter, sunshine, and relaxation.
As I said, that was every year except 2011… That was the year we bought our home here in Florida. So, instead of going to their house, Bruce’s parents came here and helped us move into our new home. This time it was a sweat-filled weekend, but it was still wonderful. We joked all weekend about Bruce getting a house for his birthday gift.
Bruce and I were so excited! While we owned our condo in Michigan, it had actually been Bruce’s before we got married. This was different… It was a home… with a yard… and we had picked it out together. This was truly our home.
It isn’t a secret, (I have written about it before), before Bruce and I were married, I lost everything. Partially due to a bitter divorce and the other part was a simple lack of knowledge about my options. Either way there was a financial mess left from my first marriage. There were some things (like credit card debt I didn’t know existed) to my ex-husband’s refusal to sign paperwork (which ended in the loss of property) to a very bad investment with a family friend (which was later deemed a Ponzi scheme).
However, when I married Bruce, he introduced me to Dave Ramsey’s money management system. It was one of the most practical things I have ever learned. Throughout our marriage, Bruce still preferred to handle the household budget. Since we married later in life, we chose to keep separate accounts, while I pitched in a percentage to the family budget. All of which was fine with me… I was learning… Not just how to budget my money, but how to make it actually work for me.
So, years later when we bought this house, I was much more savvy with money, (although still learning). In my previous marriage, we had moved and purchased several homes, so I thought I knew all about buying houses. But this time, it was so different. Back then, it was about finding “the” house. A house we just “had to have.” Said house also needed to be at the top end of what we could possibly afford. (I don’t know why… That was just the mindset in my first marriage.)
However, Bruce taught me something so different. To start, he explained that we needed to find a home that we could afford on one income, just in case the time ever came when we needed to live off one income vs two. Also, (and he was very adamant about this one), don’t fall in love with a house… I can’t even begin to count the number of times he said, “We have to be willing to walk away at any point.” At first, I thought it was all kind of silly, but it proved to be the best advice ever.
When we finally decided to make the purchase, we chose a 15-year mortgage. The plan, however, was to make double payments and pay it off in seven to eight years instead. Keep in mind, during this time, Bruce was still managing the money. As a consequence, during the one and a half years we lived here together, I only asked once if we were making double payments. He said, “yes,” and I left it at that.
When he died, however, I learned that wasn’t quite true. He had made one double payment… only one. (I am guessing it was the same month I asked. LOL!) In hindsight, I know a lot of our budget went to travel, which I don’t regret for a moment. I also think I should have been pitching in more money to the budget. However, I didn’t know, and he hadn’t said a word.
Whatever the reason, when he died, I learned the truth…
But… like I said, it was okay… I don’t regret any of the travel, and difficult conversations were never easy for either of us. But at that point, I decided I was going to meet that deadline… Come hell or high water, I was going to prove to myself (and him) that we could do this.
So last week, almost 8 years to the date, (I was three days early), I made the last payment on this house… Another birthday present for Bruce… and me! As I walked out of the bank that day, and as I sat at the beach on his birthday this weekend, all I kept saying was, …
“We did it, Babe! You taught me how… You set me up for success… and we did it! Our home is really ours now!… So, Happy Birthday, Babe! I love you!”
What about you? Does the love you shared still influence how you live your life now? Did your loved one leave a legacy that set you up for success? Have you been able to accomplish a dream you both shared? If not, is that an area where you struggle or don’t know how to move forward? If so, you’re not alone… We all know this journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *
Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.
This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief
* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.
