“Wherever I go, God is there, and all… is… well.” ~ Unknown
Well… Life is what life is, and I am a day late here… And while it is not what I had planned to write about, that has actually become my story today…
I spent the past week up in Michigan visiting with Bruce’s family and celebrating his mother’s 90th birthday. What a wonderful week. I love this family! Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the fact that even now, ten years after Bruce’s death, his family is still such an integral part of my life… They are still my family… They still call me “sister” and “daughter”… And mostly, they still love me. What a blessing in my life!
Over the last ten years, while I have had my fair share of stumbles, I have tried to continue living my life in a way that would make Bruce proud… in a way, that would reflect his love for me and my love for him. Honestly, all of that felt impossible in the beginning… When he died, I didn’t want to be here without him. Yet… here I was with a whole life still ahead.
Even as recently as a month or so ago, I have had days like that – days where I wasn’t sure why I was still here. At the same time, I have great reminders in my life as to why I am still here – reasons to smile… reasons filled with joy… And those reasons are my family… and Bruce’s family (which is also my family as they so often lovingly remind me).
So… after a fabulous week spent visiting, hugging, sharing stories and dreams, yesterday found me at the airport heading back home. No big deal… I have flown many times. There was a time when I was anxious until I was through security, but not anymore. I appreciate what they do, and as long as I am in one of the smaller airports, the overall vibe tends to be one of calm assurance.
When we boarded our plane, it was a beautiful, sunny Michigan afternoon. According to the flight itinerary, we would be in Florida within 2.5 hours. I greeted the people seated next to me and settled into my seat with my book and my pillow – ready for a relaxing, peaceful ride back home.
A couple of hours later, as we approached the airport in Florida, the pilot announced that there were storms over the area, so we would maintain our altitude above the clouds (still in the beautiful sunshine), and circle the airport as we waited for it to pass.
No worries… I was more than happy to wait since I would still have a little bit of a walk to my car in the long-term parking lot. I was more than happy not to do that in the rain. After a couple of hours of circling the area, we were given directions to land although the storm had not passed.
As the pilot began the descent into the storm, we were immediately tossed around like a child’s toy. We rolled side to side and pitched back and forth. Despite having our seatbelts on, the passengers were still being tossed around, forcing us to brace ourselves and hold onto the seats in front of us for stability. People were screaming and crying… chaos seemed to be all around us.
The funny thing is I was actually calm. Normally, I am a worrier, so this calm I felt surprised even me. As my hands fingered Bruce’s wedding ring on the chain around my neck, I just kept repeating a mantra from church, “Wherever I am, God is there, and all is well.” I was well aware of the danger. I just wasn’t scared of the outcome. I knew a few things without a doubt…
1. I knew God was with me. No matter what happened, the outcome would be what it was supposed to be.
2. If I died, Bruce would be there to meet me on the other side.
3. If we all survived, any panic would have been a waste of energy.
As it turned out, the pilot, realizing they could not control the plane and land safely, pulled back up in a steep incline. We ended up flying to the west side of the state. There we sat on the tarmac as the plane was refueled, and we waited for the storm to completely pass from our destination.
Once all was said and done, our 2.5 hour flight had become a 6 hour adventure. Then, add my one hour drive home, it was almost midnight by the time I walked in my door.
I’ll be honest… I was a little bit proud of myself. Mainly because I think Bruce would have been proud of me for all of that. Why? Because I believe my ability to focus on the things I could control rather than fear the things I couldn’t was a huge piece of his legacy that he left behind for the rest of us who knew and loved him… And if I can manage to take even a portion of that same mindset into my future, I know without a doubt that… All… will… be… well.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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