“I grow in courage when I step boldly into the world and take my place in it.” ~ Daily Word, June 14, 2023
Let’s just dive right in with some honesty, because I am pretty sure I am not the only one to feel this way… When Bruce died, all I wanted to do was to crawl into a hole and die too. Obviously, that didn’t really happen. Yet, in another sense, it kind of did. What?? … I know… that probably makes no sense.
What I mean is that when he died, I suddenly started isolating myself. I wasn’t even aware of it, but it is what I did…
At work, I would come in and immediately close my office door. I just couldn’t face people… And on days when I felt especially low, I would even turn off the lights in my office and pray that no one would notice me behind the computer monitors, since I am so short. As crazy as it sounds, that usually worked.
As I have written before, I had just walked away from the church I had been attending just a few short months prior. At the time, my kids all lived several hours away. And as a runner, I have always worked out at home. So, other than work, there was no other socializing.
Granted, I still had several close friends who checked in with me consistently and would urge me to join them for dinner, drinks, or just some time on the beach. But as time passed, I even found myself backing out of those commitments more and more. Overall, my world was shrinking – fast!… And I was completely content with that.
In other words, I was creating my own deep, dark hole, and my soul, my love for life, was either dead or dying…
Several years later, one of my daughters and my grandson moved in with me. I was thrilled to have the company, and the distraction from my own grief (and self-pity) was a much-needed miracle. This particular daughter is great at planning wonderful adventures. So, it wasn’t long before I found myself galivanting all over Florida and having fun…FUN?? Now that was something I never expected to do or feel again.
Also, having a child in the house forced me to stop thinking of myself and my grief 24/7. Sure, I still had my moments and my tears. (I’m only human.) However, my focus was on him, not me… And that was something I really needed. It was something I had not been able to do on my own, but at this new juncture, I had no choice.
Over the years while they lived with me, I did get out more and more. I did learn to focus on others versus myself… And I did reclaim some emotional regulation – learning to control my grief. Yes, I was still grieving, but rather than focusing all of my energy there day in and day out, I learned some balance. I learned to set some “grief boundaries” with myself by setting specific times and places where I allowed myself to let go and feel what I feel – such as when I sit down and write this blog each week. That became (and still is) my time to grieve… And the rest of the week? Well, the rest of the week, I pushed myself to stay busy focusing on the other people in my life.
Soon after, my son, as well as my youngest daughter (with her husband) moved down here too. Now, I had even more people to focus on… My grief was no longer the centerpiece of my life. All of this, I consider the miracle and blessing that saved me from myself.
What I didn’t realize at the time, though, was that I was really just following along blindly. I wasn’t really claiming my place in this world. I was still emotionally spent – too tired to really have my own plans and dreams. So, while I was climbing out of that metaphoric hole, I was doing it on everyone else’s terms – not mine. I was placing the responsibility of my outlook on the people around me. No one complained, and I didn’t realize what was happening… I thought I was healing… And I was. However, I couldn’t see that this was only a small step; I still had a long way to go.
Then, a couple of years ago, the daughter who was living with me got remarried. Of course, this also meant that she and my grandson moved out. Here was my “test”. Once again, I was alone… Was I going to fall back into old habits?
Well, my kids are great! All of them! Soon, I found myself included in something every weekend. I was just as busy as before. However, I still wasn’t being responsible for me… I was still simply following along. (I can’t imagine the drain they must have felt as they waited for me to be responsible for me.)
That is until this year…
I started the year with the intention to just “be” – be kind, be honest, be happy, be genuine… be me! I didn’t realize at the time just how life changing this would be.
You see, part of all this “be-ing” meant I needed to stop isolating myself. It has taken months, but I am learning to get out of my comfort zone and rejoin the world as me. In other words, I am finally learning to reclaim my place in this world – not as a nobody following along, but as a somebody forging her own path.
It hasn’t been easy. In fact, I would say this year has actually been one of the hardest since the first year after Bruce died. I am learning to not only face my fears on this journey, but to figure out what triggers them… and why. I have pushed myself to look honestly at myself – my habits and behaviors – to determine what works, what doesn’t, how I got here, and why I chose a particular path to begin with.
There have been some wonderful breakthroughs and just as many dark, ugly truth moments. Yet, each of these has pushed me one step further down this path. I know without a doubt there will be more and more of this in my future… I also know it is good for me (and necessary) in order to fully claim my space in this world and in my life.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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