Can we talk about triggers today? Oh my gosh! Before Bruce died, I had no idea how many triggers there would be… There have been things that I would have never guessed would be a trigger, but they are. Do you know what I mean?
In the beginning, the triggers were everywhere – all around me and all the time.
If I saw a couple together holding hands or being affectionate – trigger! All I could think about was everything I was missing and would never have again.
If I saw a couple arguing – trigger! Didn’t they know how precious our time here is? That tomorrow isn’t guaranteed for any of us? Why would you waste even one moment being angry about something that probably won’t even matter tomorrow or be remembered in a year?
If I was walking through the grocery store and saw Bruce’s favorite beer – trigger! I couldn’t get past the knowledge that I will never again buy that beer for him or taste it on his lips.
If I was listening to the radio and “our song” (or any song attached to a special memory) came on – trigger! Such precious moments that are over and gone.
So… many… triggers!
As time has passed, the triggers are less frequent but not less intense. In fact, this last week or so, (for some crazy reason that only the Universe knows), has been filled with triggers.
It started with a book my boss loaned me. I didn’t know anything about the book. I had never heard of the book. I didn’t ask to borrow the book. She happened to bring it to me and simply said, “I just finished this and thought you would really connect with it.” So I read it.
At first, I didn’t quite understand what she thought I would connect with. The main character was only in her 20s, and that was a long time ago for me. However, as the storyline progressed, I realized this main character was in an abusive relationship. (I literally had to put the book down and pull myself together emotionally several times while reading.)
Yet, not only did I connect with the abusive portion and all that it entailed, there was also the hero in her life that offered her the safety of a loving relationship (just as Bruce did for me so many years ago). The book was great, but it took me several days to push down all the domestic violence memories and remind myself that I am safe now. (Although, admittedly, without Bruce I still struggle in that department.)
Then in the next book I was reading, one of the main characters had a heart attack, and that particular chapter was told from his viewpoint. For me, it felt like I was reading about Bruce’s death with Bruce telling me the story. I can’t lie… It was really hard to read, and the tears would not stop. All the memories of that night and my own feelings of failing him flooded back and filled my soul.
Later in the week, I was watching a movie with a friend. She warned me beforehand that there might be some parts that would trigger me. (Thank you, my friend!) But I wanted to watch it anyway. As the movie progressed, I slowly came to realize that the mother in the movie was dealing with a recurrence of breast cancer and was dying. (Yes, one of my fears.) At the point where it all becomes crystal clear, she is lying in her husband’s arms crying and telling him how scared she is… All he can do is hold her close and kiss her.
True, this never occurred between Bruce and I because I got cancer after he died. But I found myself feeling a little bit jealous that he was never able to do that. I needed him back then and would have given anything to have had his love and support when I went down that road. (Yes… I do realize that the movie is fiction and being jealous is silly. However, I cannot control how I feel, only what I choose to do with those feelings. So, I am just being honest here.)
And finally…
One evening this week, I was sitting in my reading chair (not reading). I was simply sitting there, looking at our space, and missing Bruce (a lot). I had been silent for quite a while. However, when I found myself looking at a picture of him fishing at the beach, I simply said out loud, “I miss you, Babe”. Suddenly, the Alexa in the kitchen started playing Jimmy Buffet’s song, “A Pirate Looks at 40”. (To clarify, JB was our favorite. We went to several concerts through the years, and spent many nights simply dancing barefoot to his tunes in the kitchen.) I didn’t know whether to smile or cry when it happened… so I did both. (I don’t know that this was necessarily a trigger as much as a comfort to my soul after all the other triggers, and I am so grateful for it.)
Honestly, I don’t think the triggers will ever stop being a thing. I also believe that time does help me manage those triggers better and better. For example, in the beginning, I had to wear sunglasses almost everywhere I went so people couldn’t see that I was crying. Now, I am pretty good at pushing the tears back, (or keeping them to a minimum), and moving on… waiting to contemplate whatever trigger happened later when I am alone to write it out and/or think it through. I can’t say dealing with triggers gets any easier with time, but I do think over time I am learning to work through them in a much more healthy way… which is a step in the right direction.
_________________________________________________________
Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief
* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.