Tag: one step at a time

Peace, Love and Grief… How Long?

I was reading through an old journal this week and came across an entry that said, “I wonder if I will feel better by Christmas? I wonder how long until I feel better? … Until I am through grieving?” If the “now me” could talk to the “then me” I would say, “Who knows? … What is the length of a string?” I guess that is still my dilemma these days.

When Bruce died, I just assumed this grief thing would take a bit, but then I would be okay. I assumed I would go through a list of “things to do” to make the pain stop. You know, like read a few books, go to a support group, do some journal writing, and then… Well… There was no “then.” I thought that would be it. I’d feel better after all that. Life would pretty much go back to what it had been (only without Bruce).

When people used the term “new normal” and told me to get used to my “new normal,” I thought, “No, I’m not doing this for the rest of forever. This feels awful… I will get past all this.”

So… I read the books. I went to the support group. I wrote, and I wrote, and I wrote… I even worked with a life coach for a while… And all of these things helped. In fact, they helped a lot. But they weren’t a magic formula. So, while I learned function and live life again, the grief was still there… The pain was still there. The sadness and loneliness and missing were all still there.

I think at that point, I began to realize this really was my new normal.

I know everyone grieves differently, but I don’t know of anyone who has simply “gotten over it.” I think the sadness will always be there, even if the amount of sadness varies from time to time and person to person.

For me, I might go for extended periods of time where life is great, and I feel like I am going to be okay. Then, there are other times, where I feel like I am back at square one – filled with grief to the point of overflowing. But, most of the time, it is a mix of both… The feeling that I am okay and loving life. Yet, there is always that undercurrent of sadness that Bruce isn’t here to share in all the things that make me smile or to hold me when I cry.

I can’t say if this is normal or not, because it is all I have known. I can’t imagine a time when that undercurrent won’t be there. But then again, years ago, I couldn’t imagine ever smiling again or enjoying a single moment of my life without him… but… here I am…

So, I guess the point is… Life moves on, but our grief, well, it has a separate life all its own. Who know what is on the road ahead? … Who knows how long that piece of string really is? All I know is… I don’t know. But then again, if my life were “normal,” I would still have no idea what lay ahead. Therefore, I guess the best course is to just keep taking it one step at a time… one emotion at a time… one tear or smile at a time…

Death changes everything
For a while that is all I can think about…
Time changes nothing on its own.
This is a journey that will not end,
But I can lean how to direct my path.

If I do not pay attention to each individual step,
If I look too far ahead,
If I get tired and stop,
If I look backward too long,
I will become lost and scared.

I did not choose this journey.
I can’t even say that I like this journey.
But I would rather choose my path now
Then to try to find my way later
Because I gave up what little choice was mine
And became lost.

It is okay to stop and rest
Or cry when I am weary,
As long as I do not loose track of where I am.
It is okay to peer behind me to see where I was
As long as I remember to look forward as I move on.
It is even okay to look at what is ahead
As long as I am doing so as preparation,
While remaining focused on where I am.

Death has changed everything,
And I must learn how to adjust.
Time changes nothing on its own.
That is my job now.
This is a journey.
It is mine.
And I must own it to survive it.
~ Linda, 2013

This grief journey can be a hard one, and it is different for everyone… Some days are easier than others and some days are harder. The many ways we experience grief are as diverse as we are, and we all move through it at our own pace and in our own way… We are all different, and just doing the best we can in a world that can feel overwhelming at times. What about you? How has your grief journey changed through the months or years? Would you like to share your story or ask a question? Do you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug? Let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

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Peace, Love and Grief… One Step at a Time

Alone… Is this a test?
I think I am failing.
I want to move past the sadness.
I want to find the blessings.
But every time I come back to
Being alone…

~ Linda, October 2013

I have put off writing this week until the last minute (or what feels like the last minute). It’s not that I don’t know what to say… It’s that I have so much to say and I’m not sure how to say it in a way that makes sense.

There is a part of me that seems to always dread this time of year, because this month starts a series of major days and holidays… all in a row – one on top of the next. It starts with Halloween, then moves to our anniversary, Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, the anniversary of our meeting, New Years and the anniversary of Bruce’s death.

Anyone who has grieved deeply knows how hard the holidays and big events can be when you find yourself alone. There is an unrelenting sadness when you realize you are no longer able to share those days with the person you have shared your life with for so long. For me, the next few months will be an emotional roller coaster as I go from one event to the next… all without Bruce… for the sixth time. (Yes, I am still counting, and yes, it still makes me sad.)

The first year I ignored as many of these holidays as possible. It hurt too much to imagine celebrating anything without Bruce. So, I hid and let the world do its thing while I pretended not to notice. I closed my door, turned off the radio or left town… Whatever it took to keep those reminders away.

You might be surprised to know, but it was actually pretty easy to do. The world starts getting very busy this time of year… Most people don’t really notice when you choose to disappear from the craziness. I’m not sure if that is a good or a bad thing, but it was what I needed to do that first year.

The next year, I decided I wanted to try to join the world… at least with my kids and my grandson. So, I joined them for as many of these days as possible and spent the rest with friends. The problem for me, however, was the timing of everything… As soon as I got past one event, I had to mentally prepare for the next… There just didn’t seem to be a chance to heal or even breathe in between.

While it was a relief to be a part of everything and not be alone, when all was said and done, I was emotionally drained. Months later, I listened to a recording taken at the end of that time period, and I didn’t even sound coherent. But while I may have been a mess, I had done it! I had survived!

Thankfully, time is a kind friend, and each year has brought more healing and a stronger me. That doesn’t mean, the emotions aren’t there… I am still sad… I still miss my Bruce… And this week, I found myself crying several times as I contemplated what is ahead.

This year as Halloween approaches and the holiday commercials start to air on TV, I am faced once again with an overwhelming relay of events. All week I have had that inner dialogue going… I’m sure you know what I mean…

In my self-development seminars or when coaching individuals, I discuss that inner dialogue… That angel and devil thing we laugh at in cartoons. Why do we laugh? Because we have all experienced it at one time or another. For most of us, though, it isn’t necessarily a temptation thing – a good or evil thing.

Usually it presents itself as one “voice” that sounds more like, “Why bother?” “What’s the point?” “You’ll never be able to do that.” In other words, it is a self-defeating voice. It is based on our fears, negative emotions, and low energy. It is not based in reality. It does not build resilience and does not move us forward. In fact, it is happiest if we stay where we are or even take a few steps back.

Then, there is the other, kinder “voice.” It is encouraging. It is not based on our fears but on our passions, goals and what is real. It is healthy and nurturing. Its purpose is to build resilience and help us move forward… To live life – even if it is just one small step at a time.

This week the dialogue battling within me has been one of dreading the upcoming months, while realizing that all I really need to do is face this the same way I have faced cancer this year… one step at a time – no more. I have learned that when I try looking too far down the road, I become intimidated. Then, my fear of what is ahead leads me to question my ability to make it through. Reminding myself to slow down, and just focus on the step ahead has been my saving grace this year.

I remember right after Bruce died… The idea of spending the rest of my life without him – alone – seemed very intimidating. Most days I didn’t even want to try… that road ahead looked never ending. It took me a while to tune out that self-defeating voice and start listening to that kinder, gentler voice that encouraged me to take one small step and then another.

In my family, the women seem live quite a long time, so I figure I have another 50+/- years to go… without him. That is a long time. It can be quite daunting if I let myself dwell on it too long. But, I am learning not to look that far down the road. I am learning to just breathe and take it one day and one step at a time.

I am learning…

That is what I have been telling myself this week. I am still learning. It’s okay if I have a few hard moments or stumble a little. The trick is not to let myself dwell on the upcoming months and everything they entail… that would be too much to handle without the possibility of spiraling down. down.

Each year, I heal a little more… and learn a little more about taking this journey one small step at a time… And for me, that will be the only way to get through the journey ahead.

Walk through your fears…
~ Linda, October 2013

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with the loneliness of spending the holidays without you loved one? Have you felt abandoned or left behind as the world celebrates in a whirlwind around you? You’re not alone… None of us are! Are you will to share how you came to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.