I was reading through an old journal this week and came across an entry that said, “I wonder if I will feel better by Christmas? I wonder how long until I feel better? … Until I am through grieving?” If the “now me” could talk to the “then me” I would say, “Who knows? … What is the length of a string?” I guess that is still my dilemma these days.
When Bruce died, I just assumed this grief thing would take a bit, but then I would be okay. I assumed I would go through a list of “things to do” to make the pain stop. You know, like read a few books, go to a support group, do some journal writing, and then… Well… There was no “then.” I thought that would be it. I’d feel better after all that. Life would pretty much go back to what it had been (only without Bruce).
When people used the term “new normal” and told me to get used to my “new normal,” I thought, “No, I’m not doing this for the rest of forever. This feels awful… I will get past all this.”
So… I read the books. I went to the support group. I wrote, and I wrote, and I wrote… I even worked with a life coach for a while… And all of these things helped. In fact, they helped a lot. But they weren’t a magic formula. So, while I learned function and live life again, the grief was still there… The pain was still there. The sadness and loneliness and missing were all still there.
I think at that point, I began to realize this really was my new normal.
I know everyone grieves differently, but I don’t know of anyone who has simply “gotten over it.” I think the sadness will always be there, even if the amount of sadness varies from time to time and person to person.
For me, I might go for extended periods of time where life is great, and I feel like I am going to be okay. Then, there are other times, where I feel like I am back at square one – filled with grief to the point of overflowing. But, most of the time, it is a mix of both… The feeling that I am okay and loving life. Yet, there is always that undercurrent of sadness that Bruce isn’t here to share in all the things that make me smile or to hold me when I cry.
I can’t say if this is normal or not, because it is all I have known. I can’t imagine a time when that undercurrent won’t be there. But then again, years ago, I couldn’t imagine ever smiling again or enjoying a single moment of my life without him… but… here I am…
So, I guess the point is… Life moves on, but our grief, well, it has a separate life all its own. Who know what is on the road ahead? … Who knows how long that piece of string really is? All I know is… I don’t know. But then again, if my life were “normal,” I would still have no idea what lay ahead. Therefore, I guess the best course is to just keep taking it one step at a time… one emotion at a time… one tear or smile at a time…
Death changes everything
For a while that is all I can think about…
Time changes nothing on its own.
This is a journey that will not end,
But I can lean how to direct my path.
If I do not pay attention to each individual step,
If I look too far ahead,
If I get tired and stop,
If I look backward too long,
I will become lost and scared.
I did not choose this journey.
I can’t even say that I like this journey.
But I would rather choose my path now
Then to try to find my way later
Because I gave up what little choice was mine
And became lost.
It is okay to stop and rest
Or cry when I am weary,
As long as I do not loose track of where I am.
It is okay to peer behind me to see where I was
As long as I remember to look forward as I move on.
It is even okay to look at what is ahead
As long as I am doing so as preparation,
While remaining focused on where I am.
Death has changed everything,
And I must learn how to adjust.
Time changes nothing on its own.
That is my job now.
This is a journey.
It is mine.
And I must own it to survive it.
~ Linda, 2013
This grief journey can be a hard one, and it is different for everyone… Some days are easier than others and some days are harder. The many ways we experience grief are as diverse as we are, and we all move through it at our own pace and in our own way… We are all different, and just doing the best we can in a world that can feel overwhelming at times. What about you? How has your grief journey changed through the months or years? Would you like to share your story or ask a question? Do you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug? Let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *
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