Grief is so strange. Seriously, I don’t think there is anything normal about it… And yet, this new path is supposedly our “new normal”. I don’t get it… Grief, really and truly, is anything but.
This week, while listening to a podcast, the woman (talking about the death of her husband) said, “It feels so absurd.” YES! Exactly! That is exactly it!
It feels so absurd that he is gone. It feels so absurd to live here alone. It feels so absurd to celebrate anything without him. It feels so absurd that I still find myself thinking, “Bruce would love this place,” whenever I find a new fun place. It feels so absurd that I still find myself listening for his truck in the driveway almost every single night. It feels so absurd to think that he isn’t coming home again… ever.
It all feels so absurd… And yet, it is what it is, and I can’t do anything to change it.
I can work on changing me, though, and I do. It is a daily, on-going process and some days I am more successful than others… But I stick with it… Mainly because what other choice is there?
Sometimes, though, I get a little reminder of our love. Whether that is because Bruce is still around, (maybe on another plane) or maybe it is the energy of our love still in the air, I don’t know… And honestly, I don’t care. It is not in me to break it down and inspect it. Instead, I simply recognize that these moments make me smile, and that is a precious gift, indeed.
This week, I had one of those moments. It was the morning after the podcast I mentioned above. I woke up thinking about the people in my life – those who have left and those who are still here. I don’t know what I had been dreaming, but that was where my head was.
Per usual, I turned on the radio and got into the shower. Now, I can’t hear the radio while the water is running, which is fine, I just like to have it on for when I get out and start getting dressed. While I was in the shower that morning, my thoughts went from the people in my life to Bruce. I found myself thinking about how somedays it feels like he just died yesterday and other times, it feels like I have been doing this alone forever…
As I turned off the water and reached for my towel, I heard it… the song, God Bless the Broken Road… That was “our” song almost from day one. I stopped, closed my eyes, and just let the song take me back… back to Bruce… and I smiled. In that moment my heart felt so full… Full of the love we shared… and if I’m honest, still do.
Then, it hit me that maybe… just maybe… this was another one of his “messages” – a message that he is here with me whether I know it or not… whether I can feel him or not… It may be absurd, but maybe I’m not so alone after all.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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