Note: I am so sorry for missing our time together last week. I was not feeling well on Saturday and unable to catch up with everything on Sunday. I hate that. I guess, sometimes life simply makes us slow down whether we want to or not.
I remember when Sweet Baby Matthew was born… My heart was broken. Figuring out how to grieve the loss of a child that never took a breath… a child I never held in my arms, was an impossible task. I was encouraged to “put it behind me” and shove all of the pain down deep inside. I was told, “Don’t worry. You’re young; you can always have more”… Words said from what I hope was a good place bit into my soul.
I know these are the words that are so often said in an effort to comfort the grieving. I know that on the surface, they carry some truth. I also know that at the core, they are wrong…
Did I have more children? Yes… I went on to give birth to four more beautiful children, whom I love fiercely.
However, the hopes and dreams that surrounded the sweet soul, named Matthew… Those specific hopes and dreams were gone, just as he was gone. The laughs and mischief that would have been his… gone. The tears and ambitions… gone. The good-night stories and bedtime hugs would never happen. All of the love that was put into my heart for him had nowhere to go.
Yes… my other children experienced all these things that Matthew missed, but those were their experiences – not his. The major pieces missing from those words spoken too soon about “other children” is the compassion which acknowledges the trauma and grief of that death… not to mention, the permission for the griever to experience the pain of that loss without others (maybe inadvertently) finding ways to negate any part of the process. (After all, you can’t get past something you don’t acknowledge.)
Decades later when Bruce died, my grief was so deep, I was completely lost… I couldn’t fathom how to even take my next breath without him. Yet there I was… And once again the words, which I believe came from good intentions, were spoken out loud, “You will find someone else.”
The resistance I felt in my soul to those words was palatable. Again, those words are true… but also untrue. Those words make it sound so simple… Like all you have to do is put some money into a machine and out comes another “perfect fit”. As if love is like a switch on the wall – easily turned on and just as easily turned off. We all know none if that is true. There is so much more to love and loving another person.
It has more to do with finding that specific person with whom you connect on multiple levels… with whom you share hopes and dreams… someone who knows (and still loves) all sides of you – the good, the bad, and the ugly. With Bruce, it was a connection that outdid any other connection I had ever experienced.
“Our hearts find a home in each other.”
~ Martha Creek, Martha’s Pearls: A Spiritual Approach to Life
Our hearts really had found a home in each other… Our hearts really did beat as one… Finding a path to simply continue living was hard enough, without the added pressure to “replace” that love.
I’m not saying people shouldn’t find another. It does happen, and that is a good thing. I am saying that no one should feel pressured to replace the person we lost or to refill that space in your life on someone else’s timeline. Shoot, even I know to never say “never”. (Life will prove you wrong every time.) I just believe that if something is meant to be, it will find a way… and if it’s not meant to be, that’s fine too.
For me personally, I have several things floating around in my mind that make all this harder than I wish it were. Mainly… 1 – I still love him. (How could anyone even begin to compete with that?) and 2 – I know I could not survive that kind of pain again. (It almost killed me when Bruce died… To love someone so completely and lose them so suddenly has felt unbearable.)
“It’s harder to love when you know the cost.”
~ Unknown
Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think I’m alone in this… I think there are many of us out there, who truly wish those words were never spoken… who just want to deal with our grief without the added pressure of “forgetting and plowing forward.”
Sure, that may be what works for some people. That is great… for them. I just wish more people understood that some of us will never be able to it their way… And we just need the space to do this grief thing our way and in our time.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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