I believe that I had to describe the grief journey in ten words or less, I would say, “It is a journey of constantly searching for peace.” At least, that has been my experience…
When my first marriage ended, even though I was the one to leave, I still grieved the loss of what I had hoped we could be as a family. Yet, I also remember writing that all I wanted was peace – no more yelling, no more violence, no more walking on eggshells. I was in a desperate search for some space to breathe. It took a long time, but I did finally find small spaces where I felt safe. Then, those spaces grew exponentially when I met Bruce. Sure, life was still doing what life does. Yet, I had found that peaceful space where I could breathe again… Where I wasn’t racing from one chaotic episode to the next. Then, Bruce died, and the search started again.
This is that story…
I prayed for peace.
I hadn’t known peace for most of my 40 years. I didn’t want a new love or money, grand things or lots of friends… Just a quiet space with a handful of people who love and accept me.
And so, I left… on a cool October morning, the kids and I left for school. They had no idea that we would not be returning… The upheaval… the increased violence… the threats… the fear… the unknowing… the desperation…
And… I prayed for peace.
Then, after years of waiting, it was finally over. It was done. I didn’t want the house or the money, a new town or a new relationship… Just a quiet space with my kids and a handful of people who would love and accept me as I am.
Then, into my life sailed this gentle, giant of a man… full of love… full of acceptance… full of peace. Suddenly, life was more beautiful than anything I had ever known. We knew safety and security… love – unconditional and complete… hope and joy filled our lives and laughter fill the air around us.
Finally… I had found the peace I had prayed for… And it looked nothing like I had imagined. Yet, it was everything I had ever wanted. I didn’t need to pray for peace anymore, because surely, we would live happily ever after. (Isn’t that how the story is supposed to go?)
Then, one Friday night, (one just like any other), we crawled into bed, and I lay in his arms. We whispered plans and concerns and “I love you’s” in the darkness until we both fell asleep.
I awoke.
Bruce didn’t.
I called for help. I did CPR… Nothing… No response. I had failed him, and he was gone… It was all gone… But this time, I couldn’t pray for peace… I couldn’t pray at all.
My world went dark… very dark… Surely God was just a cruel myth… I crumpled into a heap on the floor. I screamed and cursed at God. I pounded my fists and howled in pain until at last I lay there in silence – completely and utterly broken.
Still… I could not pray – not for peace… not for anything… not to a God who was so uncaring and cruel.
Years passed. I started to read what Bruce had read, and it was like hearing his voice over and over… “God is not the God you thought you knew. Be still and listen,” he seemed to whisper.
So, I was still… I listened… And that became my prayer – not one of asking… but one of receiving while letting go of what the final result would look like… And in the depths of my soul, a small light began to flicker… The blackness began to dissipate as I focused on that small light.
As time has passed, that light has gotten stronger and brighter… Laughter has returned. I have learned to smile again… to feel joy again… and hope has peeked at me from around the corner.
I still don’t pray for peace, (although that is my deepest desire) … This journey is not the one I would have ever chosen. Yet, through this journey I have learned to sit still and listen… And as life moves on, I am able to settle in and let the Divine currents carry me where they may.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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