I just want to be able to smile again.
I don’t want to be angry and bitter.
This isn’t me.
I am praying…
No… begging God for healing.
We will see if His promises
Are meant for me too.
~ Linda, Feb 2013
I have often heard the phrase, “the landscape of our heart” when speaking about our outlook on life and love. Throughout my relationship with Bruce, I would have described my heart’s landscape as a gorgeous spring meadow filled with an array of delicate spring flowers under a crystal blue sky. It was a place of newness… and hope… and adventure… and love – mostly love.
When he died, that landscape was completely shattered – like dropping a full crystal goblet. Glass and sharp shards scattered everywhere… and the contents spilled on the floor amongst all of it. All that was left was a huge mess – everything was lost.
At first the only emotion I can remember feeling was shock. I mean, I know I was sad… I couldn’t seem to stop crying. I had to focus just to breathe. Those first few weeks were just a blurred nightmare.
It didn’t take long, though, for my mind to start looking at this new reality, and what I didn’t expect (nor could I even acknowledge, at first) was the anger. I had no idea that the biggest emotion I would feel was anger… and I was so incredibly angry.
However, my whole life I have been told that anger is a sin. It was a “bad” emotion, and as a woman, it was my job to let it go and maintain control… So, if I’m honest, I don’t think I even recognized that anger was the emotion I was feeling.
Everything I read, the support group I attended, the people around me… everyone kept telling me that anger was normal, but I would deny I was angry every single time. All I knew was that I was grieving, (whatever that was) … but in reality, I was incredibly angry.
I was angry at God/the Universe that Bruce was dead, and I was here. I was mad at Bruce for dying and leaving me here. I was mad at myself for not saving him that night. I was mad at other couples for still being together. I was mad at the kind words people offered, because it just made my situation more real. I was at people who didn’t acknowledge my loss, because my pain was so deep how could they not notice. I was mad about all the “business” that goes with death, because I had no idea what I needed to do. I was angry when people checked on me, and I was angry when they didn’t. (And this list could go on forever.)
In other words, I was angry about everything… and that went on for years.
Then one day, I remembered a phrase my mother used to say to us all the time while growing up, “If you are having problems with the rest of the world, maybe the rest of the world isn’t the problem.”
Sigh… The truth can be brutal sometimes, can’t it? I know things didn’t change right away, but this was my starting point toward healing.
First, I had to acknowledge the anger I was feeling… So, I sat with it for a while. I was journaling a lot back then… several times a day, actually. It was my safe space to release all the feelings – even the ridiculous ones that made no sense. Thankfully, I was able to go back and read the things I had written, and while the word “anger” wasn’t there, the tone, the words, and the handwriting left little room for doubt.
Once I could acknowledge that I was even feeling angry, then I had to reflect on if that anger was legitimately pointed in the right direction(s). It didn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that it wasn’t.
I wasn’t really angry at anyone. I was angry at the situation… But I couldn’t yell at a situation. I couldn’t slam the door on a situation… I couldn’t even talk to the situation and make it better. The only option available was to find a way to accept the situation… There would be no peace any other way.
That was a lot harder than I would have thought. I continued to fight it for years. (In fact, I think I still have days when I just can’t let myself think about it, because I get angry all over again.)
I guess the point I am trying to make is this… Until I acknowledged my anger, I was never going to get any better. Yet, that was just the beginning of the journey. I had to stop pointing that anger in all the wrong directions. Instead, whenever I felt the urge to respond in anger, I literally had to sit down and figure out what I was truly angry about. Then, I had to decide the best route to managing those emotions in that moment (because those moments are all different) … And finally, I had to forgive myself for all of it… For being angry… for being sad… for simply being human… and feeling lost.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but somewhere along the way, this grief journey became my healing journey. I don’t know if the healing will ever stop, because I don’t know that my love for Bruce will ever stop. However, I do know that my ability to accept all the parts of me (even the angry parts) has had the most impact on my healing and my growth towards wholeness.
“… our personal healing defines our ability to be sensitive in all situations. Once we heal our hurt and anger toward others, we must cross the bridge of forgiving ourselves as well.” ~ Jamie Sams, Earth Medicine
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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