Tag: stages of grief

Peace, Love, and Grief – My Thoughts

Growing up, I thought grief was something you only experienced when someone you love dies. Somehow, I also got the message that as Christians, we should celebrate and not be sad because they “have gone to a better place to be with God and the angels”. Grief and sadness were presented as almost sinful in many ways.

This led to many conflicting emotions growing up and even into adulthood… What do you call it when you move away from your family and friends? Or when the family pet passes away? Or when your life suddenly changes in ways that require you to put your plans and dreams aside? What do you do with the unbelievably sad emotions experienced at the loss of a child from miscarriage or the loss of a grandparent?

I had no words for any of that loss and sadness. Instead, I felt shame and confusion… I couldn’t celebrate, and I didn’t understand how these emotions were bad. But rather than sharing those feelings and risking the reactions of others, I tried to hold those things in.

Was I successful? Probably not… But it was the only way I had been shown to deal with it.

So, when Bruce died, I was at a total and complete loss. I had never learned to truly deal with any grief, other than to pretend it wasn’t there. I couldn’t do that this time, though, which has made this journey that much longer.

From the beginning, I started looking for ways to work through grief… I read every book and article and listened to every video and podcast I could find on the topic. And it wasn’t long before I learned that I would need to go back and re-process the grief from all those past losses while I was working on processing my grief for Bruce.

It has been a long arduous journey, and I guess, today I just want to share some quick thoughts on the things I have been told vs the way grief has played out for me in reality.

1. “Life moves on” … Yes, life for the rest of the world keeps moving, and to some extent I had to start finding my way in it right away. However, my life was at a standstill. I struggled to simply keep waking up in the morning. My life had literally collapsed. The world as I knew it was over. Setting new goals and establishing new dreams for a future alone were some of the hardest things I had to learn to do.

2. “This is your ‘new normal’” … I hate that phrase. Yes, this is what life has dealt me, but there is absolutely nothing normal about it. That is like saying that climbing a sheer rockface without gear is normal. No… it isn’t normal. It feels wildly dangerous and every move feels life-threatening in some way. Living life as a widow is not normal. It is simply where I find myself, and I have learned to “climb this cliff” carefully – feeling my way while taking it one slow movement at a time.

3. “You need to let them go” … Our love was not and is not a switch on the wall. It cannot be turned on and off at will. In fact, I don’t know that it is something I will ever be able to simply “turn off”. I believe Bruce (and my love for him) will always be a part of me. So maybe for some of us, “good-bye” is actually a life-long process… Or maybe it isn’t good-bye at all, but more of a “see you later”.

4. “You can always remarry” … While very similar to #3, this one has always been more repugnant to me. This was the love of my life – not a broken coffee mug. You can’t simply “replace” a person. I remember when I lost little baby Matthew, and people said, “You can always have more.” Yes, I did have more, but not one of them was baby Matthew. Each person and each relationship is unique – trying to replace or swap one for another does not seem healthy to my way of thinking.

5. “Time heals” … That’s laughable. Sure, I have learned to manage my grief better. I have learned more appropriate ways and times to express my grief. However, the pain of losing Bruce is just as strong and real as it was the night he died. Time hasn’t healed anything. Instead, it has simply given me enough experience to learn how to live with my feet in both worlds – the world of grief and the world of life.

6. “The stages of grief are a path” … First of all, my understanding is that these were initially written to give voice to the stages a person experiences when they learn they are dying. Over time, people started applying these same stages to all grief, which in a lot of ways makes sense. However, if you think for one minute that they present one at a time and in order, that is a fallacy. Yes… at some point you will experience all of them, but it is not a clear, straight forward path. It is more like a jumbled up, knotted ball of string. You get what you get at any given time, and (hopefully) you figure that part out before you encounter the next jumbled up mess.

I am sure there are more of these, and I am sure I will think of more as soon as I post this. Yet, these are the ones that have hit me hard this week. Phrases that others love to say, thinking they are being helpful, and with zero understanding that each person’s path and experience is different… and the best we can (and should) offer is patience and love while those sitting in grief find their next step.
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

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Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Attached

This week in my martial arts class, our instructor asked a question… “Have you ever been so attached to how you thought something was going to happen that when it didn’t happen that way, you were disappointed?”

The lesson, of course went on to discuss how important it is to not be attached to what you believe will happen, but instead, being open to all possibilities and learning to “roll with the punches.” Of course, he was relating this lesson back to the strategies of sparring, and it was a great analogy…. Everyone can relate to that experience. However, immediately my mind was elsewhere…

My mind was on Bruce… and the future we thought lay before us…

The miracle of two people living in opposite parts of the country, meeting in the Caribbean and falling in love was never lost on us. It was something we constantly marveled. (In fact, Bruce used to tell me I should write a book about it… Little did either of us know this is how our story would be told.)

There seemed to be no end to the depth of our connection and love for each other. While I will always believe he knew his time was limited, I had no idea. In my mind, we had forever. I was convinced we would grow old together… I was definitely attached to the idea of a long future together for us… Death was no where on my radar.

How could  “forever” not be our future? We were each other’s world… each other’s best friend. We could sit for hours without saying a word – just holding hands or snuggling. We always fell asleep in each other’s arms and woke up the same way. We laughed together, cried together, and entrusted those things closest to our hearts with each other. After 8 years together, we were still learning about each other, and a simple touch could still leave me with butterflies in my stomach and feeling weak in the knees.

Of course, I was attached to the idea of more… How can you love someone and not be attached to the idea of a future together?

I remember about a year after Bruce died, someone told me, “I used to wish I could find someone to love the way you and Bruce loved each other. But after seeing how much you are hurting, I hope I never love anyone the way you two loved each other.”

That shocked me a little bit when it was first spoken, and since then I have given it a lot of thought…

What about me? Would I have let myself fall in love with Bruce if I knew what the future held? I believe I would… Don’t get me wrong. I hate this thing called grief – I think it is BS and it sucks! My whole life has changed… In fact, my whole outlook on life has changed!

But, to imagine a life that never included Bruce is far worse!

Maybe that is why grief is so hard… There is constant inner conflict – Conflict between what is and what you thought would be… Conflict between what the world says you should feel and what you really feel.

For example, the world tells you there are “seven stages” of grief. (Which, by the way, is completely false!) I am a “list” person, so when I first read this, I had some hope… I really believed this would be my ticket to healing. However, I soon learned these stages are actually for someone facing their own impending death. The world, however, has taken this list and tried to apply it to the grief process. The problem is grief doesn’t really work that way.

Yes, when you are grieving, you will experience these stages… Just not quite the way you might think. It is different. There is no checklist and no nice, neat stages to master… Instead, you cycle through each stage (and every emotion) over and over… And in no particular order… And without an end in sight.

Once you recognize that, you also understand what it means when they say, “You never really heal from grief. Instead, you just learn how to live with it.” (Something I couldn’t understand until I lived it.)

Bruce and I had a lot of dreams and plans for our future. We knew we wanted to retire and travel… We wanted to sell everything, buy a boat and just sail from island to island. We wanted to see our children and grandchildren grow up and discover whatever the world held for them. All we wanted was a simple life made up of things like time together at the beach or kayaking. In fact, those were our plans together the weekend he died… Plans for things we would never do…

Were we attached to those things? Yes, I guess so… Because the moment he was gone so were all those plans and dreams. And sometimes it has been just as hard to let go of those as to let go of him. Somehow, they all seem to be intertwined, and I can’t let go of one without letting go of all of it… And letting go of even one piece brings on a whole new round of emotions and grief.

So, the question… Have I ever been so attached to how I thought something was going to turnout and when it didn’t happen that way, was I disappointed? Obviously, yes. But have I learned to be open to all possibilities and “roll with the punches?” Hmmm… I would have to say I’m still working on it…

And I believe, my “working on it” is what grief really is…

I sit in the sun,
Enjoying its warmth.
On the horizon,
I can see the ever-present clouds –
The darkness of a storm
That can hit at any moment.
Some days it stays on the horizon,
Present but not a threat.
Other days, it blows in – shutting out the sun
And attacking my very soul.
I never know from what direction the wind will blow.
Will it blow and keep the storm away?
Or
Will it blow the storm directly in my path?
I never know moment to moment
Where it will be,
But I always know it is there…
Somewhere.
~Linda, April 2016

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… For many of us, the confusion and emotions of grief can be overwhelming even on the best of days. Learning to be open to new possibilities can feel impossible at times and at other times, give us hope. We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way… And we each have our own experiences that help us make it through. If this feels familiar, we are here… you are NOT alone. If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Please note – I will be spending next weekend with family (and without a computer). Therefore, there will not be a blog next week, but I will be back the following week (July 23).