I know that title sounds like the start of so many funny memes or GIFs that we see this time of year. However, each of us on this path knows that this time of year is anything but funny. Even the good days hold reminders that our loved ones are no longer here to enjoy the season, and somehow that can easily dim those Christmas lights and feelings of joy more than just a little bit.
I think it is probably a familiar experience amongst us that when that person we love with all our heart dies, something also dies inside us. Some of us may take longer to find our footing and others may find it right away… Still others may feel like they have found their footing somedays and not so much on other days. This time of year, seems to make that balance (for lack of a better word) even harder to find.
I have shared before that the first year, I ran away and hid down in the Keys to avoid the celebration. The next year, I did a little bit of celebrating. Then, when one of my daughters and my grandson moved in, I gained massive ground – mostly because of my determination to make his Christmases something to remember. Since then, I have actually (for the most part) looked forward to the holiday and spending time with those I love who are still around me.
I will always remember that second year, though, when I decided to put up the decorations and give this holiday a try. I remember opening the boxes that held all those ornaments and decorations – most of them from when the kids were little and each one with its own story.
I was actually doing pretty good. I wasn’t crying (that I remember). The tree was almost finished, when I opened another box looking for more ornaments. As soon as I opened the lid, an avalanche of tears poured down my face. There on top was Bruce’s stocking – white with red trim, a picture of a bear celebrating Christmas, and the word, “Dad” written in silver glitter along the top.
Bruce was a minimalist – not a “stuff” person. Months before, I had gone through his things – given away a bunch and packed up a select few that held precious memories to keep. Somehow, I had forgotten about the stocking.
When we were first married, his Christmas décor fit into one box and consisted of a tangle of lights, a nativity set, a Christmas quilt, and the stocking. That was it. I, on the other hand, had boxes and boxes of Christmas stuff, so much, in fact, his dad teased me for years about it.
But that stocking… It was totally Bruce.
Almost immediately, I went online to see what ideas other people had for “the” stocking. Should I hang it up? (How could I not?) If I didn’t, was there some other way to use it. I couldn’t bear the thought of putting it back in the box and leaving it there… forever… But would hanging it up make it awkward for others and/or a daily reminder that he wasn’t there to celebrate with me?
Finally, I came across an idea that felt right. One I have continued to do every year. I hung his stocking next to mine, as we had always done in the past. Next to it, I placed a pen and a small box of paper for everyone and anyone to write down a “Bruce memory” and place it in the stocking. Those memories remain there, and each year, I find some time alone to take them out and read them – smiling and crying all at the same time.
But that isn’t all…
No matter where I hang it… even if I switch places with one of the other stockings, something magical happens. Periodically, that stocking will start moving back and forth – slow, then fast, then slow. Yet, none of the other stockings move. I have turned off the AC. (Remember – Florida) Still it moves. Sometimes, I just stand there and wait… 99% of the time, it will start moving.
For me, that has come to be a sign from Bruce. A sign that he is still here with me. I am not alone. Maybe it is the energy of the love he left here or maybe it is him… I don’t know, and I don’t care. Since it is only his stocking and there doesn’t appear to be a physical cause that I can determine, for me, it will always be a sign from him.
… And as time has passed, it has become a reminder that our love is forever… Nothing has been lost – only changed… And that warms my heart with the joy of Christmases past, present, and future.
So, look closely for those signs… You may find a surprise meant just for you. And… may you have the happiest of holidays – wherever and whatever you are celebrating this time of year!
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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