Peace, Love and Grief… Happy Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day!

I used to hate those words… After the dysfunction and violence of my first marriage, I carried way too much guilt to feel like I should be celebrated at all. My kids had to deal with so much crap – so much stuff children should never know even exists in this world. I couldn’t bear the idea of any of them telling me “thank you” for their childhood or for being their mom.

This has been a struggle for me for years… They disagree. For whatever reason, they seem to understand what made me stay in that marriage for so long. AND they stood strong when we left, as well as, through the years as we learned (as a team) how to survive… In other words, my kids are amazing! They are the reason I can toast the day and still smile.

But when I look back, the first Mother’s Day with Bruce is another that will always stand out…

We had only known each other a little over a year and had only been married for a few months. I had absolutely no expectations for the day. After all, I wasn’t his mother or the mother of his child. Yes, when he married me, that was a package deal which included my children, but all of them were over 18, except my youngest. She was the only one that lived with us (the other three were still in SC)… And at the time, my youngest wasn’t very happy about any of that.

I remember waking up that Sunday morning, and the sun was shining in Michigan – something we hadn’t seen in months. As we lay in the bed snuggling, he reached over the edge and produced a small card which he handed to me with a mischievous grin. I remember handing it back and saying, “Don’t.” But he wasn’t having any of that.

I protested and said, “You don’t have to do this… My being a mother has nothing to do with you.” To which he replied, “You being a mother is a huge part of who you are, and that has everything to do with me. I will always celebrate who you are, because I love you… And that means all of you.”

I remember the card talked about his love for me and my love for my kids. I remember crying so hard as I tried to read it, he ended up reading it to me. Inside, were three tickets to go see The Phantom of the Opera that afternoon (Me, Bruce and my youngest daughter) … TICKETS? To the Opera?? From Bruce???

Now, I need to back up a bit… Bruce made no pretense about nor did he apologize for) who he was. He as a truck driver who loved body building/working out, Jimmy Buffet, football and hockey. He was not a fan of the theater, especially musicals or opera. The idea that a man had gone outside of his own comfort zone to give me (and participate in) something that was solely about me was something I had never experienced before.

I remember being skeptical – Would he really go? Was he going to take me but spend the whole time pouting or acting miserable because it really wasn’t anything he wanted to do?

No… True to who he was, it was the most wonderful afternoon! He made it a true event – Nothing was off limits… And to top it all off, he swore he loved and enjoyed it, as well! Whether that last part was really true or not, I’ll never know. He always swore it was, and that is all I have to go on.

Every year after that, Bruce always made a point to celebrate me on Mother’s Day. It didn’t matter where we were or what life had thrown our way, he always made sure we spent the day doing something I loved.

When he passed, that first Mother’s Day was hard. I didn’t want to celebrate… I found myself going back to those feelings of guilt about my children’s past. But I must say, my kids wouldn’t have it. They did and continue to make this day a special one…

And this year was no different…

While I find myself contemplating the idea that this could be my last Mother’s Day, I also know it could one of many more to come… We don’t know… Life will have its own way, and all we can do is go along for the ride. I can’t change what was or what is ahead. I can only live this moment and be thankful for what it is…

Everyone deals with loss, grief and life in their own way. There are pieces of our past we might change if we could. But, since we can’t we can either allow ourselves to get caught up in the parts we don’t like or choose to find moments in the past worth celebrating. Bruce taught me to celebrate and let the rest go… We don’t need to always be happy, and it’s okay to feel what we feel and be who we are… This is how life was meant to be – learning to let go of what feels wrong and celebrating the good.

These are only my thoughts and reactions this week as I celebrate this day without Bruce. Maybe something in this feels familiar… Perhaps you too have struggled something similar. If so, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

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