There is a place within each of us that is the source of our life – it’s the well, the tank, the engine, the overflow in our soul that we live from. In the wisdom of Proverbs, it’s the place in our being where the waters run deep. Sometimes this place is overflowing with life, and sometimes it feels drained and empty.
~ Rob Bell, How to Be Here
When I read it, this quote struck such a chord with me… It’s so true. Life ebbs and flows… Sometimes it is wonderful and other times… Well, it just isn’t. There are times when I am so happy, I think my smile and euphoria could create a life of their own, and there are other times when I am so empty and sad, I can’t see from this moment to the next.
This has been true throughout my life, as I am sure it has been in yours. We all have the choice to feel what we feel or to push those feelings down and pretend they aren’t there… And to be honest, I believe, there are appropriate times for both. The problem comes when my choice makes others uncomfortable… The strange thing is this only seems to occur when my feelings are sad or empty…
For example, when Bruce passed away, my whole world crumbled. It felt as if I had imploded, and I struggled to find myself… Mere survival took all my energy. At first, people were understanding. However, learning to live with grief takes time, and that is where the struggle takes place. So many people have felt the need to “fix” it… To “fix” me. They want to tell me what I need to do to get “better,” which eventually becomes some form of “get over it.” That was really hard at first. Now, I know they meant well. Now, I understand their need to cheer me up. Now, I really do know their hearts were (and are) in the right place.
The problem was I didn’t know that then. I only knew what I needed… I needed people who were willing to simple sit and “be” with me. I needed someone to be okay with tears and listening to stories of Bruce that made me smile.
The words “get over it” were an impossibility… The idea that it was that simple seemed like an implication that there was something wrong with me. While it wasn’t meant to be, it felt judgmental… It wasn’t helpful… It would shut me down.
Over the years, I still get that response occasionally when I mention Bruce in conversation, or if someone feels I’m not doing something with my life which they feel would be “normal.” Honestly, that doesn’t bother me as much anymore… Because usually I just smile (and ignore it).
It’s funny, though, since I’ve been diagnosed with cancer, I find myself struggling (grieving in a way), for what is… and what isn’t… At this point, I really am “looking for butterflies,” but that doesn’t take away the reality of the cancer… And the reality is – I’m scared.
There are days when I feel okay… I am thankful for the day and each moment in it. But there are also days when the fear is overwhelming… I have to work at keeping my fears to myself… I have to work at “looking for the butterflies.” But, I think that is natural… and okay.
The crazy part came this week, when my doctor said to me, “Are you really okay? You can be frank with me… I don’t mind.” So, I was… I didn’t have a total melt-down, but there were tears and I talked about how I was really feeling… It felt good to talk about it… It even felt good to let myself cry.
Then came those words… The words that can still shut me up faster than anything… “You need to get over all that.”
I couldn’t believe it! Seriously? How could she say, “tell me” and then respond like that? But then she went on… “When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, that is what my husband told me… He was trying to help… He meant well… But it wasn’t very helpful.”
It took me a moment to realize she understood… She really understood… She went on to tell me it was okay to feel what I feel… And she would sit there with me all day and talk about it, if that was what I wanted.
WHAT A DIFFERENCE! What a blessing… and exactly when I needed it! To have someone tell me, it’s okay to be scared… It’s okay to cry… And it’s okay to not be okay right now (and maybe be okay later)… It’s all okay.
That is what makes life – life. It is what creates the flavors of life… It is what makes life real and genuine… Because when we allow ourselves the sad times, we are better able to appreciate the good times.
For a painting to truly reflect life, it must include the shadows… Otherwise, the painting will be stilted and awkward… Only a poor image of the beauty available. To live our life, we must learn to accept the shadows; not strive to control them. Let go… then the true beauty of your life will be found.
~Linda, October 2013
Everyone deals with loss, grief and life in their own way. We don’t need to always be happy, nor do we need to stay where we are empty… It is okay to feel what we feel and be who we are… This is how life was meant to be – learning to live with the good and the bad.
These are only my thoughts and reactions this week as I try to adapt to this whole cancer thing, (while wishing Bruce were here to give me strength and support). Maybe something in this feels familiar… Perhaps you too have struggled something similar. If so, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *
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