How do you identify? That seems to be the question of the day lately… In some ways, it is easy to answer, and in other ways, I’m not always sure what to say…
Currently at work, we have a company-wide Diversity and Inclusion training program happening. As one of the company trainers who will be leading the training in the next quarter, I have been studying the material and asking a thousand questions of the facilitators who are currently training the program.
I realize there will be some who will read this and roll their eyes, but honestly, it is a great program. There is no guilt or beating anyone up emotionally, nor is it intended to tell anyone what to think. It is simply a “who are you” and “who do you want to be” kind of program… I like it… And it has me thinking…
The program starts with a screen filled with hundreds (or so it seems) of boxes labeled with different things one might associate with or relate to – sexual orientation, religious preferences, marital status, race, nationality, life experiences, etc. … You name it, and it is there. Each person is instructed to pick as many as they wish – anything you identify or associate with who you are as an individual. Then, we take turns introducing ourselves using our “boxes” of “who we are.”
In my first class, I probably picked about 25 or more boxes, “widow” being one of them. Then, as I listened to others introducing themselves, I found myself crossing off any items I thought might be either controversial or might make others uncomfortable… “Widow” was actually still on my list when I started to talk, but I never said it… I looked at it and skimmed on past. At first, I wasn’t even sure why I did it… All I knew was I didn’t want to say it in front of a group of 20+ strangers.
Weird, huh? Especially since it is not a secret… It is something I write about every single week and put it out there for the whole world to read… Yet, I never mentioned it.
I have spent a lot of time over the past few weeks trying to figure out why. Honestly, I’m not completely sure. When Bruce first died, I think I told everyone I met that I was a widow. I was so appalled and angry that he had died, and I was still here that I just wanted the world to know how unfair it was that I was alone… I wanted the whole world to know that I didn’t like it one bit. At that point, coming to terms with that title and all it encompassed was consuming my world. So, I guess it made sense that I was always using it to describe me and who I was.
Over time though, I came to realize that the words “I’m a widow” or “my husband died” are some of the fastest ways to stop a conversation. People aren’t just uncomfortable with that information; they literally have no idea what to say or how to respond. It can be an awful way to throw my struggles out into the middle of the room, while no one else knows quite what to do with it. So… somewhere over time, I simply stopped telling people.
The strange thing is being a widow is still so much a part of who I am… of how I identify myself. It’s not like it is a label I want… It is simply a label that is accurate. It is constantly in my head (usually somewhere in the background). Yet, it is one of the few things, which I find I keep to myself most often in public. This forum is actually one of the few places I feel comfortable talking about it openly.
So… Here is my dilemma, I suppose… I am a widow. It is a huge piece of who I am, because it has had the biggest impact on me over the last eight+ years. The circumstances that created that title changed everything about me. And while I am moving forward and find myself healing a little more each day, I still haven’t managed to expand past it in many ways.
I know I have grown. I know have healed in so many ways. Yet, it still boils down to the fact that I am a widow, in the same way that so many of my friends are married. It is a big part of who I am. I wish I felt comfortable explaining that in a room full of strangers, but I have a feeling that when it is my turn again, I will likely leave it off – partly because I know how uncomfortable it can make people and partly because I dread the perception that others might have.
Then again, maybe I will talk about it… I know this class is supposed to the space where we can help each other realign or reshape our views about certain labels. I know it is a chance to be honest about who I am… And who knows… maybe it will help me find a way to be honest about who I am without stopping the conversation or making everyone in the room uncomfortable… Maybe it will even be a way to open the door to anyone else struggling with how to be honest about a label and how it is perceived.
“When you let others label you, invariably they make your world too small.” ~ Unknown
Whether you are new to this group or whether you have been visiting with us for a while, I am sorry for the reason you are here. I hate it for you… and for all of us. This is not a path any of us want to be on. Yet, here we are. This journey is an odd one – filled with challenges we never imagined. We never know from one day to the next, or one moment to the next, when another wave of grief will hit or what will be the next trigger. That can sometimes make this journey feel even more lonely. Yet, there are other times when I know I am not alone at all. We are here for each other. This journey holds both challenges and peace-filled moments for each of us. Yet, it is actually our love for those we have lost that brings us together to this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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