I think one of the worst parts of grief is that you just never know what to expect… So many times, I think I am doing great… I am fine. Then, suddenly, I’m not…
I sit in the sun, enjoying its warmth.
On the horizon, I can see the ever-present clouds –
The darkness of a storm
That can hit at any moment.
Somedays it stays on the horizon,
Present, but not a threat.
Other days, it blows in –
Shutting out the sun
And attacking my very soul.
I never know from what direction the wind will blow.
Will it blow and keep the storm away?
Or
Will it blow the storm directly in my path?
I never know moment to moment
Where it will be,
But I always know it is there…
Somewhere…
~ Linda, 2015
This week, the wind blew that storm directly into my heart… It has been an unquestionably rough week… I can’t explain it, and I have absolutely no idea what triggered it. This wave of grief just seemed to come out of nowhere… All week I have tried to push it down and keep moving forward. However, because I don’t know where it came from, it has been a true struggle to get out from under it. I have cried every night… and most days… Simply put – the only thing I know is that I just miss him.
This week
I have missed you,
And
I have remembered you.
I have cried for you,
And
I have danced with you.
I am tired of hurting,
But
I’m not tired of loving you.
~ Linda, 2021
It seems so silly doesn’t it? Why am I in this position? It has been well over eight years. Yet, this week my heart feels as broken as it did that first night. Until this week, it had been a long time since I wondered this house searching for… what? Him? I know he isn’t here…
Life moves on.
Time passes
But my heart stands still.
Lost in a space
Where I can still hear your voice,
Where your smile still greets mine.
Frozen in this space
Where you should be…
But you aren’t.
~ Linda, 2020
The only difference between then and now is the expectations I allow to be placed on myself. I keep thinking “smile, Linda” no one needs to see your tears or hear you cry. I keep trying to distract myself with other things… other people. I keep smiling at the world in an attempt to force myself to feel something other than this…
Push those feelings down.
It’s been too long…
Don’t talk about it!
Push them down!
Why can’t you let him go?
What’s wrong with you?
Is this normal?
Push those feelings down!
Push them down!
… And when you come up for air…
Be sure you are smiling.
~ Linda, 2019
This week, I wanted nothing more than to just melt inside myself – to stay inside and ignore the world. However, I knew for me that would be the worst thing I could do. So, each day I made myself get outside – sometimes I went for a walk (and made myself say hello to my neighbors); other times I rested on the porch and watched the neighborhood children play or tried to ground myself in the nature around me. There definitely was some comfort to be found out there. However, my heart and mind were not so easily soothed… It seems like each time something made me smile, all I could think about was the idea that Bruce was no longer here to share in all the simple things that at one time brought us so much joy…
I can’t believe you are no longer here…
… No longer looking at the blue sky.
… No longer smelling the fresh air of morning.
… No longer feeling the sand under your feet.
… No longer looking at the same moon
or smelling the salt air
or hearing the whisper of the wind.
… No longer able to share an experience.
… No longer a part of this world.
… No longer a part of my world.
Will this ever feel normal?
~ Linda, 2017
Each week I try to present an honest look at my journey as a widow… to share some tidbit – something I have learned (if possible), and something positive, because that is more a reflection of who I am (or who I try to be). I don’t know about this week… The tears are still streaming down my face even as I write this. I just don’t feel like I have much to offer this week, except the honesty of where I find myself. I’m just in a hard place… I know I will be okay, but right now, the one thing I want in this world is the one thing I can’t have… and my heart is completely broken…
They lie…
Time heals nothing.
It still hurts…
And I don’t know how to make it stop.
I’ve learned to smile at the world.
I’ve learned to push the hurt down,
And say, “I’m fine.”
But
It still hurts.
I have learned to laugh again.
I have learned to find joy in quiet moments
Spent with those I love.
But
It still hurts.
I think it will probably always hurt…
Simply because you aren’t here.
~ Linda, 2018
Sometimes I can’t breathe for the pain of it.
Other times I smile
And laugh at the thought of our memories.
You were always that way…
Making me smile or laugh
When I wanted to cry…
When the pain was so bad.
Now my heart hurts…
Truly, physically hurts with the missing of you.
I feel your soul.
I know you are here.
But I need to see your eyes and your smile,
Feel the comfort of your arms.
I want to breathe in your presence
And feel your love in all these things.
But that isn’t to be…
All I have are the memories,
The memories of our love…
And…
Sometimes I can’t breathe for the pain of it.
~ Linda, 2013
Thank you for not leaving me alone this week… Thank you for giving me a safe place to vocalize my feelings – whatever they may be. I have said it before, and I will say it again – this is not an easy path. It is not a path I ever saw myself on. You probably didn’t either. I don’t think any of us want to be here. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are.
This journey is filled with challenges I never imagined. Each time I think I am figuring it out, I find I haven’t. Honestly, none of us ever know from one day to the next, or one moment to the next, when another wave of grief will hit or what will be the next trigger, and that alone can make this journey feel so completely baffling and hard to navigate. Thankfully, I know I am not alone. We are here for each other and, it is actually our love for those we have lost that brings us together to this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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