I have debated even writing today… Usually, I make sure whatever I am writing about, I can end on a positive note. However, today (this whole week, actually) I have felt stressed, and I’m not sure I have anything positive to say. But since my mission is to be honest about my journey… here I am… feeling down and not quite sure where to go with it…
I remember growing up… my grandfather loved me so much! No matter what I did, he only seemed to see the good in me… I am sure he was the same with all the grandchildren, but that is something special I will always cherish. Sadly, he passed away when I was in college. It was a loss that still haunts me to this day. At the time, I wondered if anyone would ever love and believe in me the way he did…
Then, many years later, I was blessed to meet Bruce. And once again, I found myself loved by someone who only saw the good… someone who truly showed me unconditional love… What a rare gift!
When Bruce passed, I found myself struggling in a world where people have been all too quick to tell me what is wrong with me or what I “need to fix.” At a time, when I have really needed people to simply come along and walk beside me, I have found myself under constant scrutiny and judgement.
For example, I remember being raked over the coals in front of a room of 20+ women. I left the room in tears – struggling to maintain some type of dignity while doubting my own worth. Another time, I received a five-page letter describing (in detail) all the areas where the sender found me lacking. I still do not understand why they felt the need to send it. A year ago, I was told my “lifestyle is unacceptable”… Although, I’m not even sure what that means since I’m pretty sure I am neither bad nor immoral… I work, I work out, I eat, I sleep and I love my family… (Sounds dangerous, huh?)
So, these last few days, this is where my mind has been… focused on those who choose to see something wrong with me… Not a good place, I know. I realize I am giving them way too much power in my head, but I feel like I am drowning… I am struggling to simply breathe.
I know there are many times when I am not at my best… Times when I am sad and angry and grieving… Most people who have been through this understand… The judgement I encounter seems to come from those who have not been here, but somehow, they seem “know” how they would respond if they found themselves on this same journey.
I know I shouldn’t let any of this get to me… I know “what other people think of me is none of my business.” But, when the judgement comes from people you love (and you wish could truly love you back), it can be a little hard to ignore. In fact, even as I write this, the tears are still building and falling…
How do I stop it? How do I decide what others think really doesn’t matter? How do I remind myself that Bruce saw in me a woman worth loving?
I know I will spend this week, working on just that… working on remembering that Bruce loved me… That there are people (even now) who still love me… And the people who choose to judge me? Well… I need to remind myself that I can still love them without taking their judgement into my heart.
Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way. Have you ever found yourself wishing others could be more patient and less judgmental? Perhaps you have had moments like I had this week. If so, would you be willing to share your experience? Perhaps there is someone else out there who needs to hear your story too. If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *
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You are an amazing women! I’m sorry there a people making you feel this way, I love you!
Thank you! You have stood faithfully beside me through all of this… I love you, my friend!
Once again your commets, moved my heart and mind. Thank you.
{{hugs}}
You did do something positive today. You wrote. Your story touched me. A year ago I lost my mother-in-law, whom I had cared for over 15 years to Alzheimers Dementia complications. In a month where I was already struggling with her loss, I received backbiting criticism from someone I had invited into my home and life, which impacted work I do on a voluntary basis, as they spread their deadly venom wherever they could. Most people gossip and hurt others because they themselves were wounded by someone they loved. With trust and loving others, we open ourselves to this possibility. I choose to keep loving, and I choose to pray for those who despitefully use me. I also choose to exercise when I feel myself under their condemnation. Most mental health issues could be minimized by 30 min or more of daily exercise as it releases positive endorphins and chemical changes in our bodies. If you are a believer in Christ, Jesus said, there is now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, to those who walk according to the Spirit, and not according to the flesh. I am praying for you. I pray another Bruce comes into your life. I pray that another trusting relationship, like the one you had with your Grandfather, comes into your life. I pray that God will heal the hurt you feel from their loss. I pray that God continues to use you to help others though this blog.
Thank you so much for taking the time to say such kind words and making a difference in my world! God bless!