“What other people think of me is none of my business.” ~ Wayne Dyer
In its different forms, this phrase is attributed to multiple people, and I believe most of us have heard it in some form. For me, (thankfully), I heard this phrase early on this journey. At about the same time, I also read several articles about typical rumors that tend to circulate around widows, in particular. Some of these include things like:
1. Widows are “loose” women. (I know – very old terminology.) This can take several directions in how it plays out… Suddenly, you are a “threat” … and since you are no longer part of a couple, you are no longer invited to “couples” events. (I assume, this is to protect their own relationships from our “loose” morals.) Another example is how some men tend to assume the same and run with that idea in many directions, none of which involves any respect at all.
2. Widows are either “loaded” from money left to them or desperately poor from money not left to them or due to no financial understanding. Yes, I have seen each of these play out, but there are also many of us who just keep plugging along like the rest of the world – doing things on our own financially.
3. Widows are looking to remarry. Maybe… maybe not… According to research, most widows do not remarry. I would guess that most of us are just like the rest of the population and moving through life as it comes. Most of us are not on a hunt for another partner.
4. Widows are an emotional mess. Not saying yes or no… It probably depends on who we are and any particular day. I believe we all have our moments, but I also believe, we are doing our best.
And the list goes on… (You get the picture.)
Through the years I have dealt with my fair share of these rumors, but who hasn’t? Shoot, even when I was separated and divorced, there was a huge rumor-mill in our small town. Honestly, I just tried to be open about my situation to head off most of the rumors, but ultimately, it is not in my hands what others choose to believe or not believe.
Even now, after almost a decade, there is evidently a rumor floating around this neighborhood. (Then again… maybe it’s a rumor that there is a rumor. LOL!)
What I know… The last decade without Bruce has been an emotional roller coaster… A fine line between, being friendly, but not wanting to trigger any of the aforementioned ideas people have.
As a child, I was painfully shy. You know… I was that kid who hid under my mother’s skirts when she wanted me to meet someone new… Or the kid whose sister not only had to go on stage with me at my first piano concert, she had to introduce my song and sit between me and the audience so I could just pretend they weren’t there. I laugh now, but that is who I was, and now, while I am no longer shy, I am quite introverted and slow to warm up to new relationships.
Sadly, this has somehow come across as me thinking I am too good… too stuck up to talk to or hang out with others. (Sigh) That couldn’t be further from the truth, although I can see where that might be what others observe and assume… (I think I just need to breathe…) All I know for sure is that I am who I am, and I am comfortable with who I am… and ultimately, while these rumors are none of my business, it still hurts a little bit… I won’t lie. At the same time, I must honestly look at myself and determine if and how I want to change what others see.
I do wish there was more understanding, but how can that happen if I am the one keeping to myself?
I think this may simply be one those bumps in the road, that I just need to figure out. There is an old saying about not judging someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. Yet, if that were the only way to understand me, I wouldn’t want it… I really wish no one else ever had to go down this path. And if I had only one thing to say about all of this it would be this:
Widows are just people who have been dealt a truly, awful, heavy blow. We aren’t trying to be difficult. It’s just that our world has been upended and we simply need some time (and grace) to regain our balance… Please be patient with us as we try to find our way.
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All of us on this journey know that it isn’t easy. Congratulations to each of us for each day we have survived and moved ahead. We know that loss can be traumatic, and the grief and life we are left to figure out is hard. We have learned that healing takes time… There is a lot of trial and error and it moves at its own pace. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls and guard our joy. There are also challenges where we learn that we are stronger than we think we are… Both of these provide moments where I learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.
Thankfully, as the years pass, I can honestly say that there are more of good moments than bad. Each day, I continue to learn more and more about those things that seem to help me heal and move forward – like sharing precious memories. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without my love… without Bruce. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!
In fact, none of us need to be alone, because we have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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