(Note: This was written prior to Thanksgiving, but since that was on my mind, I am posting as written vs rewording for this “after the holiday” posting.)
I think sometimes it is easy to forget how much we need each other. Yet, for me, I am reminded every single day when I wake up to face the empty side of the bed, how much I love and need the people around me. How important each on is to me… and how short and precious each moment is. I know that the next moment isn’t promised… which also means neither is the next Thanksgiving (or any other holiday).
I love the holidays. I haven’t always been able to say that, and it has definitely taken some time. However, I am learning to love them once again. Don’t misunderstand… holidays are still hard without Bruce, and there will always be a part of me that just wants to hide away. But… I also know that when I make myself push forward and spend time with the people I love, it is good.
This week, as I contemplate the upcoming holiday, I have found myself trying like crazy to remember my and Bruce’s last holiday together. It has taken longer than I thought, but as I get older, I guess those memories either start to run together or are lost somewhere in the recesses of my brain. So, it has taken a few days of racking my brain, but I have finally remembered…
In the years we lived in Michigan, (except for the first year), Bruce and I always spent Thanksgiving with his family. I love those memories – the food, the laughter, the teasing, the games, and (of course) all the love.
By the year 2012, though, we had lived in Florida for a few years and were still trying to figure out how we wanted to build our new holiday traditions down here… away from family. That was the year, we decided to go out to dinner rather than cooking a feast for only two people. I had tried to make a few reservations, but every place I called was full. I was ready to give up, but not Bruce.
One day at work, while listening to the radio, Bruce heard about some restaurant near the airport that still had openings, had great reviews, and would have TVs set up with football playing. LOL! Bruce was sold and came home to let me know we now had reservations.
Also, that year, my youngest daughter was going to be in town (at the parks) with her boyfriend’s family. They already had plans for most of the day, but we decided to all get together for breakfast. Then, they could go have fun in the parks, and we would have plenty of time before our dinner reservations to get hungry again.
Breakfast wasn’t fancy, but it was fun. We laughed and shared stories. Then, when it was over, I struggled… It was hard to say goodbye… I don’t think any of us could get enough hugs to last us until we would see each other again.
Bruce and I, then, spent time at one of the restaurants at Riverwalk – enjoying some wine and beer and (of course) some football. We took turns calling our folks to talk and wish everyone a wonderful holiday. It was very chill and really nice to just sit and enjoy each other. Dinner followed soon after. Then, we were back home getting ready for work the next day.
It wasn’t anything major… It was a pretty quiet holiday… But it was nice, and we were together. We got to see some family and talked to the rest. It wasn’t like before nor was it like the commercials on TV, but it was still nice… It was still us… together… We were content… We were happy.
And… We had no idea it would be our last Thanksgiving together. In my mind, it was just one more Thanksgiving in what was (and would continue to be) a long line of holidays spent together…
Now… this week, as I remember all of that… especially the part where we had no idea that it would be our last Thanksgiving, I know just how precious this time is. I know that four years ago, after spending a year fighting cancer, I had my own doubts about whether or not I would see another Thanksgiving… But I have… And the gift of that time with the people I love has meant the world to me.
I still struggle through the day… I know that on holidays, I tend to self-medicate (bad, I know) and get lost in my emotions. I know that I must work at being social. I know that my mind isn’t always focused on what is happening around me and I have to constantly remind myself to be present. Most of the time, in the past, it has felt like walking in a dream, where everyone else thinks all is well, but somehow I know it’s not… I don’t know if that makes sense, but it’s the best way I know to describe it. It’s just plain hard… and I’m still not good at it, but I am learning.
The other part of the holidays is the part leading up to it, which is why I am writing this now versus later… For people who are grieving, it seems like the anticipation of what is about to happen can oftentimes be harder than the actual event itself… Not always – but often. This week, it has been hard to keep myself from spiraling down. To constantly remind myself that I am not alone. That my kids and my family will be there… We will be together, and we will have fun… I can do this… I must do this.
So… Since I am writing this before the holiday, I hope yours is a good one. I pray you are able to focus on the love around you versus the empty seat at your table, because… let’s be honest… None of us knows if there will be another empty chair next year… And if that should happen, I don’t want to regret a holiday wasted on what was instead of what is…
Happy Thanksgiving and may God bless your day and those you love!
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All of us on this journey know that it isn’t easy. Congratulations to each of us for each day we have survived and moved ahead (especially the holidays). We know that loss can be traumatic, and the grief and life we are left to figure out is hard. We have learned that healing takes time… There is a lot of trial and error, and it moves at its own pace. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls and guard our joy. There are also challenges where we learn that we are stronger than we think we are… Both of these provide moments where I learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.
Thankfully, as the years pass, I can honestly say that there are more of good moments than bad. Each day, I continue to learn more and more about those things that seem to help me heal and move forward – like sharing precious memories. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without my love… without Bruce. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!
In fact, none of us need to be alone, because we have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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