T’was the week before Christmas
And all through the town
Everybody was busy –
Scurrying around…
Ain’t it the truth! I have tried to time my shopping trips to avoid the crowds as much as possible but holy cow, aren’t we a busy lot?
As a widow, I think this is one area where, for the past decade, I have (mostly) watched as the world becomes so busy! Sometimes it seems so crazy that everyone is so busy that we (too often) forget to make time for those who may be struggling…
Everyone is so busy
No one has time to talk to a woman alone…
A woman lost.
In a season of celebration,
A season of love,
Things have turned around…
They are out of balance.
For it has become a season of things…
Things to get,
Things to buy,
Things to decorate,
Things to do…
Yet, people – the ones alone,
The ones that little babe came to love,
They are forgotten – pushed aside
Because
Everyone is too busy to take a moment to care…
~ Linda, 2013
I don’t mean that to be judgy at all, because I know, perfectly well, I do it too. I get caught up in all the hype and quite easily forget about the real reason for celebration – unconditional love… for everyone. That is a reason to celebrate… That is something I can get behind…, but it has taken me a while.
As a music person, this time of year was always busy with practices, performance, services, and caroling. Add in all the family stuff, and for years, Christmas was simply one big blur.
Then, Bruce died, and my entire world (including Christmas) changed…
The first year after Bruce died, I didn’t participate in Christmas at all… I ran away to the Keys and spent the week on a boat trying to pretend not to see or hear all the celebration happening around me. I spent Christmas day alone… being mad at my situation and having no idea how to move forward.
As the years have passed, though, I have slowly joined back in on the fun… a little at a time. In fact, when my daughter and grandson were living here, I jumped back in full swing with all the decorating, baking, Elf on a Shelf, and Santa busy-ness.
Now that I am on my own again, I am trying to find the balance between what feels like celebration and what feels like over-the-top busy-ness and distractions.
Yet, throughout the years – even now – on the inside, my emotions… my grief was and still is there (with no place to go). It’s not like I can forget that Bruce is gone just because it is Christmas!
Push those feeling down.
It’s been too long…
Don’t talk about it!
Push them down!
Why can’t you let him go?
What’s wrong with you?
Is this normal?
Push those feelings down!
Push them down!
… And when you come up for air…
Be sure you are smiling.
~ Linda, 2019
That is the struggle for many of us… How do I still grieve during this season and not ruin anyone else’s celebration? How do I grieve and celebrate?
This is my 9th Christmas since Bruce died… My 9th Christmas without him… It has taken a while, but I have come to terms with the idea that I can celebrate and feel joy for what is, and at the same time, my heart can also feel shattered into a million pieces because Bruce isn’t here to share in any of it.
It isn’t easy, and I don’t always get it right. There is a lot of self-doubt and hesitation to join in with others. Yet, I keep trying, and I haven’t given up… Mainly because I keep remembering what Christmas can be, and what the world can be if we only focus on the people around us – those we love and those needing and waiting to be loved… And while he may be gone, I am pretty sure I can thank Bruce and his legacy for the lessons on love…
Your love showed me,
I am worthy.
I am lovable.
I can be who I am meant to be.
I am good enough.
I have a purpose.
I can be confident.
I can love all around me.
I don’t need to judge – only love.
Your love showed me,
Love is kind.
Love is accepting.
Love is respectful.
Love is generous.
Love is embracing.
Love is open.
Love is a purpose…
And perhaps, it is mine.
~ Linda, 2013
Please Note: I will be taking a break next week to enjoy the holiday with my family. I will be back the following week, on January 1.
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All of us on this journey know that it isn’t easy. Congratulations to each of us for each day we have survived and moved ahead. We know that loss can be traumatic, and the grief and life we are left to figure out is hard. We have learned that healing takes time… There is a lot of trial and error and it moves at its own pace. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls and guard our joy. There are also challenges where we learn that we are stronger than we think we are… Both of these provide moments where I learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.
Thankfully, as the years pass, I can honestly say that there are more of good moments than bad. Each day, I continue to learn more and more about those things that seem to help me heal and move forward – like sharing precious memories. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without my love… without Bruce. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!
In fact, none of us need to be alone, because we have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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