(Note: I apologize if I let you down last week. I skipped last week due to family visiting. One of those visiting here is not in great health, and as I am sure you will understand, I wanted to take in every precious moment of our time together.)
Generally, this time of year, from Halloween to mid-January, holds so many triggers and challenges. Every year, since starting this blog, I have written about it. Every year I have tried to use this space to download and work through all the emotional muck in an effort to battle the depression that seems determined to settle in for the next few months. Some years I am more successful than others, but still it has always been a battle… until this year.
This year feels different…
On Halloween, just a few days after writing and posting my last blog, I realized quite suddenly that I had not written my normal “this time of year is tough for me” blog. In fact, I wasn’t even feeling the need to write such a blog. Instead, my spirits were (and still remain) high. For the first time in over a decade, I am genuinely excited about the season ahead.
When I think about it, this seems so foreign… How can things have changed so much in the span of a year?
As I write this today, I find myself staring a few days ahead, knowing that our wedding anniversary is on Saturday. Yet, that thought isn’t bringing even the hint of tears. Instead, I find myself smiling at the memories – my heart bursting with the love we both felt and expressed on that cold, Michigan day so many years ago.
A lot of things have changed in my life since that day – especially this last year. I don’t think it was any one thing that has made the difference, as much as a combination of all the things – EMDR, talk therapy, relationship changes, meditation, new faith practices, … and probably time, as well.
That being said, it doesn’t mean I am no longer grieving. I am still grieving and probably always will. It just means my grief experience is different from what it was. I am still well aware of all I lost that January night.
I can still remember every moment of our last anniversary celebration, from the ride to and the restaurant to the taste of the food to the thrill I felt each time he touched my hand or kissed me. I had no idea what was waiting around the corner for us… All I could think about was how amazing it was that after so many years, I still got butterflies around Bruce… And how I wanted to feel that way forever.
Life, however, rarely goes as we plan… I suppose if it did, we might not learn and grow into the people we are meant to be.
In the movie, Good Will Hunting, Robin Williams’ character, Dr. Sean Maguire, says, “Real loss can only happen when you love someone else more than you love yourself.” For so many years, that notion would be enough to push me down the rabbit hole of depression. I related to it so deeply, it almost felt like permission to go there… and stay a while.
This year, though, I find myself nodding and thinking, “Exactly… and how blessed I have been to have known such a love… How even more blessed I am to know the love we share is not over… It lives on, not only in the energy I still feel from Bruce, but also in all of my other relationships.
His love is too strong to have died with him… rather his legacy of unconditional love lives on in each of us who know him… and is shared with all those we encounter, as well.
Happy Anniversary, Babe! I love you… I will always love you… and that’s forever!
__________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief
* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.