“Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there’s no one above you
Fill, fill, fill my heart with gladness
Take away my sadness
Ease my troubles, that’s what you do”
~ Van Morrison
I love that song… My favorite version, the one that makes me smile and cry at the same time, was performed by Rod Stewart on his 1993 Unplugged and Seated album. I can’t tell you how many days I walked in the door after a long day, only to be greeted by Bruce with a glass of wine and this song playing on the stereo. He would smile, take me in his arms, and as we danced there in the kitchen, he would whisper those lyrics in my ear. My heart stops every time I remember those precious moments.
Precious moments… That is what has filled my mind this week.
Our 15th wedding anniversary is tomorrow. However, because I have had some time alone, I have been celebrating all weekend. Nothing big or crazy this year. I didn’t buy myself a gift, although I did buy some roses for the table. Mainly, because I know he would have done that… He always did.
I didn’t even take a sunrise walk on the beach this year. Honestly, I was awake in time, but instead, I wanted to just lie in our bed… in our room… and think about him… and us. There was just something about the warmth and security of our bed, that just held me there… longer than normal.
I did go for a long walk later in the afternoon. The tide was high and rough, so negotiating the shore was a struggle… But definitely worth every step. That is my happy place… The space where I can almost feel Bruce next to me. The space where I can talk to him out loud, and since no one else can hear me over the roar of the ocean, it feels so freeing. And there is something about knowing that his ashes were scattered out there that makes it such a precious space for me.
I didn’t go to our special restaurant this year. Things are too crazy in public, especially this weekend. There are people who are celebrating, and people who are angry. I definitely have my own opinions, but not this weekend. I just don’t want to get into the middle of something… Not this weekend, anyway. So, I had a steak dinner last night here at home… in our home… complete with champagne and dessert… and dancing along with a Jimmy Buffet concert playing on the TV.
Today, I have been listening to the music we used to enjoy and just thinking about us… Reading cards and emails we sent each other through the years. Honestly, I think this has been the best part of my weekend. I have smiled… and cried as I spend this day simply thinking about him… and us…
I remember meeting Bruce on a sailing schooner in the Virgin Islands, and my life changed forever…
I remember the two of us flying back and forth every three weeks between Michigan and South Carolina, falling more in love with every trip…
I remember when we finally decided we couldn’t do that anymore, and life changed my circumstances to make the “forever” decision even easier…
I remember moving to Michigan one autumn day and marrying this wonderful man a few days later…
I remember years of learning about each other and our love growing stronger day by day… year by year.
I remember moving to Florida, and how excited we were to embark on this new adventure… together.
I remember when we finally bought this little place on the coast – a place that was truly and completely ours…
I remember so many days in between all of these… Days filled with love… Days filled with adventure… Days filled with frustration and growth… Days filled with life… our life.
I know those days are gone, and I know those days are over. I also know that I don’t know how to let them go… How to let him go… I can’t… Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. He is still such a big part of my soul, and I think that is just what it is.
So… Happy Anniversary, Babe… I love you so much… still…
Life moves on.
Time passes.
But my heart stands still;
Lost in a space
Where I can still hear your voice.
Where your smile still greets mine.
Frozen in this space
Where you should be…
But you aren’t.
~ Linda, April 2020
Special days and anniversaries seem to carry emotions that can overwhelm us even years later. Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. What special days have you had to navigate lately? What do you remember? How do you celebrate? How do you manage those emotions? We would love to hear your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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