“You will be hurt again, because being hurt is part of being alive.” ~ Tom, Downton Abby
Ain’t it the truth?? Since Bruce died, I have told myself that a lot of my behaviors is just me being cautious. However, I have spent the better part of the last few weeks, looking at my own behaviors and trying to come up with answers to why I do some of the things I do, and have realized that there is more fear driving my behaviors than anything else.
Some of the things I do just seem so silly and ridiculous. (I think that is just being human.) Other things are actually a bit self-limiting; I suppose. And to top it off, for years I have let everyone around me tell how I should “fix” myself, rather than spending time figuring things out for myself. Then, I have resented their “interference” and just kept doing the same things, which has resulted in no change at all.
I think one of the biggest areas I have missed out on is in relationships. (I’m not just talking about dating. I am talking about all relationships.) Since Bruce died, I have found it easier to just keep most people at arm’s length. Sure, there are a handful of people who really know me. However, most of these people have been a part of my life for a very long time… Most of them were a part of my life before Bruce died and have remained an active part of my life after. (Granted, there are a few that entered my world afterward, but only a very few.) These are my people… They are my “solids” – the ones I can call in the middle of the night and talk about anything… (or almost anything).
What I have realized lately, though, is that I don’t really let anyone new into my world any more. I am nice. I am polite. I am kind… but… I am not open, and I do not encourage a deeper bond… I would like a deeper bond… I miss that… So why am I this way? Why am I doing this to myself?
Well, this week, it kind of came to a head while talking to someone about friendships and meeting people. They simply asked me “why.” I don’t know how I managed an answer, but I did. And it was the first time I believe I have been honest with myself about this.
“I don’t want to hurt like that again… like I have since Bruce died. I don’t think I can survive anything like that again… I can’t… I just can’t,” I blurted out, with the tears coming right behind the words.
It’s true… I don’t think I have ever verbalized it before, but it is true. Instead of getting to know people… Instead of giving them a chance, I tend to look for reasons not to get close to someone… And I am good at it. I can always find some reason – some small infraction that allows me to keep them at arm’s length without a second thought.
I miss the open way I used to be, and I miss new friendships and all that goes into them. Yet, the idea of losing someone I love is bigger than all of that. It is completely overwhelming to me. Yes, I know that I am likely to lose one of these “solids” in my life at some point. However, most of them were already a part of my world before I learned how devastating grief can be. I can’t control that… but I can control how many new relationships I allow. I guess, without even meaning to, I have been trying to protect myself from the chances of something so incredibly painful from ever happening again. Yet, at the same time, wishing for the very thing that I am pushing away.
What a quandary…
So here I am… forcing myself to look deep within. I can’t say that I know how I am going to change this, because I don’t know. Nor do I know if I am even ready to change this. I really don’t know if I could survive another loss like Bruce. But… I do think that recognizing it and facing it head on is the only way I will ever figure out what I really want to do…
This grief thing is hard. I hate it. In so many ways, I am not the person I used to be… (And I miss her). I am constantly finding myself caught between caution, fear, anger, loneliness… you name it. Each day offers new hope and new tears. I know it has changed me in ways I could never have prepared for, and in ways no one else might understand. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. I would guess that none of us wants to be on this path. Yet, this is where life has landed us. And at least for now, this is where we are. For me, life is now filled with challenges I never imagined. And each time I think I have it figured out; I find I haven’t at all. However, at this point in my journey, I know I have to simply look deep and let myself feel what I feel. At the same time, I need to look at this life before me and not be scared to find the joy, love, and hope life still holds… Then, being willing to hold onto those things with everything I have.
Thanks to you, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Maybe you understand exactly what I am talking about today. Or maybe you have a story to tell.
I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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