I read something the other day that really got me to thinking… and maybe even sent my mind into a tailspin… The question it created was around my own faith and spiritual practices. Maybe you have noticed, maybe you haven’t, but I try not to go too deep into my religious practices here, in order to leave a wide berth for all beliefs in this space… (Hopefully), a space of understanding and compassion – not one where we debate religious theologies.
So, while I am talking about some spiritual thoughts today, my hope is that my words can be held under the light of whatever spiritual/faith practices you observe and still hold some kind of meaning for you.
As I was doing my morning meditation and quiet time this week, I read an article that brought up the question, “Am I just trying to get through my grief or am I learning to walk alongside my grief?” WHOA… That one made me stop to breathe and really think…
In the beginning, I just wanted the pain to stop… I wanted a list of things to do that would make me feel better… that would make land me “on the other side” of grief and back where I could live my life again. However, after a while, I learned that there is no such list… and there really isn’t an “other side” of grief where life goes “back to normal”.
This thing happened. My life is forever changed. I am forever changed.
I have learned on this journey that I can never go back… So, then the question became, “How do I move forward?” And… I think this is why the idea of learning to walk alongside my grief vs getting through it has intrigued me. “Getting through it” implies it can be fixed or ignored or that it heals and is forgotten like a childhood wound that scabs over, heals, and is forgotten over time. That, I know now, is an impossibility.
The loss of Bruce and the grief I have for that loss will always be a part of me… It will always influence my thoughts and actions. So… rather than stuff it down and pretend it is all gone, why not learn to accept that it is here to stay and find a way to walk alongside it?
Here is what I mean… Deep in my soul, there will always be parts of me that were born out of good, happy moments, and other parts of me that were born out of sad or traumatic moments. The child that used to feel such freedom and exhilaration seeing how high I could go in a swing on a summer’s day – stretching my toes to try and touch the sky – is just as much a part of me as the child who overheard a conversation where she learned that she would never be “enough” in someone else’s eyes – someone she loved with all her heart. Both aspects of that child are a part of who I am.
In that same sense, the part of me that shared a love and life with Bruce – a love that saw all of me and loved me anyway – is still deep in my soul. The loss of that relationship… that love, after all, is why I grieve. Which means that grief is and will always be a part of me, so I then need to find a way to live with it.
For example, there are times when that scared child still surfaces and I question whether I am “enough”. Over time, I have learned to recognize that for what it is, and in my soul I am able to comfort that scared child and assure her that I’ve got this… She is safe now.
The way I see it, now, my job is to learn how to do the same with the part of me that still grieves… I need to be able to comfort that part of me and say, “It’s okay to hurt… I can be strong for both of us today.”
So… how is any of that spiritual? Well… maybe that (by itself) isn’t… But we all know that grief isn’t that neat and tidy. Grief has also affected my spiritual life from the very beginning. I was incredibly angry at God. How in the world could God think that this was done “for my good”? Why bother showing me what love really looks like, if the plan was to snatch it all away in the middle of the night?
Those questions (to which I have never found an answer) combined with this idea of learning to walk alongside my grief brought me to another idea, and I believe several things that come into play here:
- My thoughts create my experience… In other words, what I choose to focus on is what I will see and experience. That focus is my choice.
- God is absolute good and everywhere present… In other words, there is no where I can be where God is not. So, if God is everywhere present (that means in me and in everything around me), then two other things are also true – I am never truly alone… and all is well.
- The purpose of life is to grow… Which means life is filled with lessons so that I can learn how to be a little bit better today than I was yesterday.
So, then, if all that is true (which for me, it is), then what does my soul need to learn so badly that I would be in this position of grief? What am I learning on this path that I may not have learned if Bruce were still here?
At first, I felt guilty for even thinking about that last question. Yet, if I am honest, I think I am starting to understand… I needed the lessons that Bruce brought into our relationship – lessons on unconditional love (for all), acceptance (of others and myself), respect (for others and myself), and the knowledge that all things happen at the time they are meant to happen. (That last one is still a struggle for me, but I am working on it.) Those lessons have been invaluable and (obviously) I am still working on them.
At the same time, I have to acknowledge the fact that if Bruce were still here, I may have used him as a crutch in those lessons, if I weren’t forced to work through a lot of it without him. I hate to admit that, but I know me… And I have to own that side of me.
I think that is where I am this week… Realizing that my journey isn’t about getting through my grief… Instead, I need to focus on what I have learned (and continue to learn) in this process and keep in mind that I am not alone on this journey (even on the days where that is a struggle), so that I can learn to walk alongside this grief – not just on a grief journey, but as a part of my spiritual journey, as well… which feels a whole lot healthier to my soul.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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