THE STORM
~ Linda, October 1, 2013
The storm rolls in;
At first I do not notice.
I can still see the sun;
The part of the sky I am focused on
is beautiful… blue…
I smile.
Then, I see them;
The clouds rolling in,
Getting darker and darker
As they crowd out the sun
and cover my beautiful sky.
I can barely see the light from the sun
As it struggles to find its way around the clouds.
The blue sky is gone;
The sun is gone;
Heavy drops begin to fall from the sky…
Down my cheeks.
I try but I cannot stop them…
Not for now.
But I know one day soon,
The blue sky will greet me again.
And the warmth of the sun will bring back my smile.
If you are grieving, then you are already aware of the multitude of emotions that can hit you in a short span of time. Some days I feel like I must be losing my mind as I go from feeling happy to sad to angry and then, to round it all out, (if I am blessed) I may get a still, calm peace. Many times there is no rhyme or reason, it just hits like an unexpected summer storm. I am learning (after 2 years) that this is normal. Seriously!… Evidently, this is one those things that is supposed to be our “new normal.”
So as abnormal as all this sounds, I have come to expect it… roll with it, if you will. Sometimes it comes on like a typhoon and takes me completely by surprise. But I have learned that it will subside, as well – sometimes as quickly as it came on, while other times it may take a few days to leave like a harbor fog that refuses to burn off. (sigh)
For me, this last week was a storm of emotions. Monday was the 2nd anniversary of my husband, Bruce’s death. In the days leading up to it, I was a complete mess. While I know that dreading the day is usually a lot worse than the actual day itself, that tidbit of knowledge did not help me cope. Two of my daughters were here with me for support, and they were absolutely wonderful. However, I had not seen one of them in a year and the other in two years, so I felt guilty. “Why was I wasting precious time with my tears?!” My kids are great though… they reassured me that this was why they were here. Then, they held me while I cried, listened to countless stories about this man I (still) love and participated in all my “rituals” for this day of remembrance.
Once Monday was over, I had to say goodbye to one daughter, then travel 12 hours to visit another for her birthday. It was such a joy to spend time with my other daughter, son-by-love (her husband) and grandson. We had such a wonderful time celebrating, eating, laughing and just having fun. But as you may have already experienced, even happy times can be overrun with guilt (for having fun), sadness and just-plain, old-fashioned “I-want-my-husband-back” self-pity. Add on top of that another round of goodbyes to everyone as I headed home AND…
you have a mix of emotions that could bring Hercules to his knees gasping for breath.
So then the question is – how to cope? For everyone it is different. In fact for me, it might be different each time. My first two steps, however, are pretty consistent. It is my last step that varies. For this week, this is what worked for me:
- I remind myself that it is okay to let myself feel what I feel and to cry when I need to… no guilt.
- I don’t need to apologize for feeling what I feel, whatever it is. My feelings are mine, and they are valid.
- And when I have let myself feel sad (or whatever it is) for a time, I remind myself that there is still something positive for me here in this moment… And for me (this week), that is the people I love and who love me unconditionally.
This isn’t my answer every time, and I know this isn’t the answer for everyone. I want this to be a community where we share what works. So, please, go to the comments and leave a note of how you cope. What works for you?
Who knows?… You may hold the answer for someone else.
February 1, 2015 will be 11 years my husband past. The deep sadness from losing my husband have become peaceful through the years. I never thought I would ever get to this place of peace. I still take time on the first of February every year to remember my last moments with my husband. A gift I will always treasure.
Such inspiring words, Evette! You are an amazing woman who gives hope to the rest of us! Thank you!
your story sounds like mine only my husband is in the hospice program .He was diagnosed with amyloidosis of the heart that has a life expectancy of less than 6 months.we are still grieving the lose of our 49 year old daughter who died suddenly Sept 24,2012.we have been here 6 months and the journey is before me.fortunately our daughter was a total body donor and over 400 people benefited from her death.A MINISTER RECEIVED HER HEART !!!!! wE CELEBRATED OUR 54TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY LAST WEEK and we are living one day at a time
Please excuse my delayed response – I was out of town. My heart definitely goes out to you. Please feel free to talk to me here. It is hard already… the more support you have the better. Bruce died unexpectedly (to me)… I think he knew and chose not to tell me. Either way… losing a part of your soul is hard. But we are not alone. We have each other here… To deal with both of these issues must be overwhelming. I know what it feels like to drown in those emotions. Give yourself the space to feel what you feel, but never lose sight of the fact that you are worthy… let the rest of us surround you and hug you. You are amazing!