Seeking peace… Finding grace… Feeling gratitude…
This describes my past week…
I started this week seeking peace. I was trying to bravely face another week of interviews. However, on Monday morning, I was already exhausted just thinking about the week ahead. I was also a bit frustrated at the fact that here I am, once more, dealing with something new and scary without Bruce by my side. (Yes… I am well aware that he has been gone a long time, and while I should be used to it, I still don’t like it.)
To put my exhaustion in perspective, I have been through about two interviews a day for a couple of weeks now. And while I am extremely grateful for each opportunity, interviews require a lot of energy – both physically and mentally. So, when I say I am exhausted, that is what I am referring to – the prospect of at least 10 more hour-long+ interviews where I need to talk about my strong points. That is also something that is way outside my comfort zone.
Then, there is the added stress afterward of “Was I good enough?” “What could I have done better?” “Did I manage to stay faithful to who I am while also presenting a clear picture of what I am able to do?” “Will there be a follow-up from their end?” I’ve had several tell me that I am what they are looking for, so there is some grace… enough to keep me believing the right job is out there somewhere. Yet, the doubts and questions seem to go on and on.
On Monday, though, I experienced something amazing! You see, years and years ago, after my first marriage, I was diagnosed with PTSD. Wow… sharing that with a public audience feels very vulnerable. However, I am telling you for a reason.
You see, recently, a new(ish) treatment for PTSD was recommended for me, called EMDR. It’s weird. I don’t know what else to say about that part. Basically, though, it is a way for an individual to re-process past traumatic events, so that the memory is still there, but the emotional response changes to something less emotional or anxiety filled.
Of course, I did a lot of research, and, admittedly, still had my doubts. Yet, the idea of the grace this therapy might inject into my life and my soul was beyond tempting and sounded amazing.
For the first few sessions, we talked about certain traumatic events that I want to re-process – ones that seem to pop up in my nightmares and/or affect my own self-esteem. The first one I chose to tackle was Bruce’s death. Since this time of year seems to hold my biggest challenges and triggers related to his death, I felt like I needed to start there.
I have written about that night many times… About waking up to him dying, calling 911, doing CPR, watching EMS work on him, watching the line on the heart monitor stay flat, realizing what that meant, and realizing that I had failed him by not saving him in that moment. I know the Medical Examiner explained the science behind his death. Logically, he explained that I couldn’t have saved him. Logically, I know. Yet, in my heart, I have never been able to truly absorb that into my heart and let go of the “my fault” bit.
SO… that is where I wanted to start.
That first re-processing session occurred first thing Monday morning. It was so weird… and yet, I found my grace! Don’t misunderstand. I am still sad when I think about Bruce dying. However, the horror of those moments, as well as the guilt and regret I have felt for years, is gone. No kidding! Gone!
Even better, in it’s place are thoughts that affirm:
1. It is not my fault.
2. This is not my burden to carry. In fact, it is time to lay it down now and walk away. It is okay to be sad, of course, but no more reliving that night or second guessing everything I did.
3. I did not fail him.
4. He did not abandon me.
5. I was brave. I tried. He tried. However, death is a part of life. It sucks. It hurts… but, this isn’t the end of my story.
I know all of that sounds logical. Why couldn’t I get to this space sooner and without any help? I don’t know what to tell you, except that in less than 30 minutes, I am free from all of the darkness that has been a huge part of that memory since it occurred.
A few hours later, I had another interview. (Of course, right?) I was told that interviewing on the same day was a bad idea, but honestly, I felt great! In fact, the interview went great… and my whole week started turning around… or maybe I was just in a better space to notice it, (like I talked about last week).
You see, there have actually been three companies where I am into 3rd and 4th round interviews… praying for that job offer. All three were businesses I would love to work for. I like the values of each company, the position I was applying for, and the manager I would report to. Admittedly, I had my favorite hopeful, but I also knew I would love an offer from any one of them.
Then it happened. I received a job offer from my favorite one. Not only did I get any offer, it came with the most wonderful praise and compliments – something I have no problem giving to others, but struggle to accept when they come in my direction. Yet… this time was a little bit different. This time, I listened and allowed those words to flow into my soul. That was a new experience for me… and I hung up feeling nothing but gratitude.
Gratitude for a path that can seem hard at times, yet can be filled with peace when peace is what I choose to focus on finding… A path that has opened up a world of grace for mistakes made or responsibility taken that was never really mine at all… A path that supports my growth, so that I can be grateful for all that life has given me and for a future that now holds so much hope.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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