Your Gift
In each breeze, let me feel your touch.
In each sunrise, let me experience your joy.
In each storm, let me feel your strength.
In the quiet, let me hear your voice telling me –
All is well…
Each moment was planned;
Each smile was for me;
And your acceptance of life was your gift to help me through this storm.
I loved you
and even now… you love me.
~ Linda, September 16, 2013
As the world celebrates spring, I find myself contemplating a memory and asking, “Is there a springtime in grief?” I pray there is… I know Bruce would tell me there is just as he did years ago…
Bruce and I met on a small sailing schooner in the Virgin Islands. After a week, he said he knew he loved me; I wasn’t sure how I felt at the time but my feelings certainly scared me. I could think of a thousand reasons why it would never work… For starters, I was a Catholic school teacher from South Carolina, and he was a truck driver from Michigan. However, within 24 hours of leaving that ship, I knew my future was with him. Ten months later I moved to Michigan and we were married. He had not only captured my heart, he was the other half of my soul.
My move to Michigan happened in November and brought me quite a shock. I did not realize that a place could be so cold… and for so long! I didn’t realize the reality of the term “so cold it will take your breath away.” I had no idea that snow could fall continuously for days and then stay for months. There was a lot I had to learn about living in such a climate. (I laugh now when I think of how unprepared I was for that first winter.) Before Michigan, I could probably count the number of times I had seen snow on my fingers… this place was a whole new experience.
Bruce had promised he would keep me warm, and he did everything in his power to do so. However, try as he might, he couldn’t warm up a Michigan winter. In South Carolina, by the end of March things are starting to warm up (plus, they are NEVER as cold as Michigan). But in Michigan, there is still snow at the end of March. That was unfathomable to me.
I remember one particular Sunday afternoon that first March. I was standing at the window watching yet another snowstorm roll in and the tears started to roll down my cheeks. I was so conditioned to expect spring in March – cool nights, warm days, flowers, birds, green grass, sunshine… This felt so wrong. I found myself wondering if this interminable gray and cold would last forever.
At that moment, Bruce came up behind me, put his arms around my waist, and pulled me back to lean into him. As he held me, he spoke softly into my ear, “You okay?”
I replied, “No… It’s never going to stop snowing.”
“Do you see that those branches on that bush?” he asked. (I nodded.) “Well, keep watching them, because in about 6 more weeks you will see a miracle. You will see green buds appear and you’ll know that springtime really does happen… even in Michigan.”
I would like to say that I smiled and answered, “Oh thank you, Babe. I will believe you and wait patiently.” But I didn’t… Instead I cried out loud and said, “SIX MORE WEEKS?? Are you kidding me? I’ll never make it!” That poor man… he just held me closer and let me cry.
In the years that followed, we laughed many times thinking back on that story. Every spring he would remind me not to give up hope… spring really WOULD come… even in Michigan.
This is my third spring without Bruce. This year I find myself remembering that story again but comparing it to my life now… my “grief journey” as the books call it. Like Michigan, this path often feels gray and cold, and I find myself wondering if I will ever feel the the renewal and joy that life can offer. Will I ever have that carefree, walk-barefoot-in-the-grass, life-is-wonderful feeling again?
Bruce would say, “Yes.” I can almost hear him tell me to be patient. Spring WILL come back to my life… and if I look REAL close maybe I can start to see those buds on the branches of my life turning green. He would tell me to never give up; there is ALWAYS the promise of spring.
It would seem the only answer here is patience… something I struggle with so I won’t pretend that is an “easy” answer. I am only sharing my thoughts. Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.
Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.
This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief
